Mediation tomorrow

[NeuroGirl]

Hiya mumsnet.

Thanks everyone for being so supportive and lovely with your advice about the divorce. Long story short: husband barely works and is about to start a masters. He was meant to be 'full time carer' but in actual fact son was in nursery 4 days a week. I've worked full time and still done the majority of childcare and housework.

When I told soon-to-be ex he was shocked for a day or two, then decided that he should 'have custody'. I think this is mostly because he wants the benefit income and to not have to leave the house. I can't see him being a stable, competent, reliable, solvent parent for the next 15 years, but know I can: it's barely more than I've been doing already, without having an extra 'child' around the house.

I just don't know what to expect from mediation. I am worried that it will just turn in to an opportunity for him to do all the controlling, undermining things which have destroyed my self esteem over the last couple of years. I can't see him agreeing that he is less capable than me. I know the mediator is not allowed to take sides, but in my mind they are just some Freudian analyst who reflects everything and says nothing.

Anyone got any advice/experience they can offer?

[donners312]

I didn't have to go to mediation but i think it is fairly ineffective unless you are both pretty reasonable to start with and both have the DC's best interest at heart.

Your ex sounds about as useful as mine - just go, tick the box and then go to war to protect your little one.

Good luck!!

[RolfsBabyGrand]

Hi can I be nosey and ask how mediation is going? I'm in similar position but yet to start mediation and curious to hear your thoughts.

[NeuroGirl]

Hi RolfsBaby, wish I could be positive but it broke down and was useless. My STBXH is just used to bullying me and the mediator just let him be stubborn and unpleasant, then tried to get us to agree to 50:50 care for a 4 year old!

I think maybe if you are not disagreeing about every little thing it might help...

[goddessofsmallthings]

Did you engage n shuttle mediation or were you in the same room as your twunt of an h?

[goddessofsmallthings]

in shuttle mediation etc

[NeuroGirl]

No, same room. We still have to live in the same flippin house!

[notrocketscience]

Mediation is worse than useless and it's bloody expensive too.

[NeuroGirl]

Yeah and there seems to be no reason not to attend the assessment then decide oh well not for me court it is.

[Hellothereitsme]

I found it a waste of time too. We were there to discuss finances but ex refused to disclose his finances as felt it was none of my business. So I didn't bother to book anymore sessions. We are no further on 6 months later. It wasn't cheap either.

[minnymoomoo]

For what it's worth, don't bother with the mediation. I found it very stressful and upsetting and we still ended up in court anyway. Happily divorced now (14 months later). Save your money and yourself from the stress.