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(29 Posts)
illhaveabrew Thu 22-Sep-16 15:52:47

Going to counselling as H has recently had an affair. Not sure what to expect, any words of wisdom?

BarbaraRoberts Thu 22-Sep-16 15:54:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

illhaveabrew Thu 22-Sep-16 16:55:17

First session on Saturday. I think first one is together not sure what to expect after that.
Lots to discuss, H helping out around the house, not going to pub, just generally being more aware of his surroundings and the people in it and not taking us for granted.
Not sure how to put it so he doesn't feel 'got at' as I want this marriage to work and I know it can't all be him trying.

BarbaraRoberts Thu 22-Sep-16 18:16:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BarbaraRoberts Thu 22-Sep-16 18:39:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

illhaveabrew Thu 22-Sep-16 19:38:09

Thank you Babara please as know that I can help you flowers

illhaveabrew Thu 22-Sep-16 19:54:03


ExpatTrailingSpouse Thu 22-Sep-16 20:01:50

I'm sorry brew to hear that.

Expectations - don't expect a solution fast necessarily. It will take (IME) 3-4 good sessions for the counsellor to get enough background on the affair, your marriage and you as people, so you may not feel like you're making progress right away. Do expect the counsellor to be unbiased - I had an awful one who had an old fashioned view of the role of women or something and told me to "just get over it" when I found out H was still in contact with OW.

And yes, pm if you need to anytime.

Good luck!

BarbaraRoberts Thu 22-Sep-16 20:30:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

illhaveabrew Fri 23-Sep-16 18:55:05

Gosh I hope mine it like that, that is an awful thing to say angry

ExpatTrailingSpouse Fri 23-Sep-16 20:21:43

brew - I didn't mean to be negative, just wanted to give you an example of what not to accept from your counsellor.... So if you get one that makes you feel terrible about yourself or just gives you the wrong vibe I definitely suggest trying to find one you're comfortable with instead.

PastoralCare Fri 23-Sep-16 22:36:40

I agree with the messages above:

what do you expect?

An apology? The certainty he wont do it again (if so ask what help is a counsellor)? ... an act of contrition on his part as they do on Oprah ?

SleepingTiger Fri 23-Sep-16 23:06:09

Remember every counsellor is a normal person, not a god.

They are still learning about how to counsel every day. they are not born with the gift, and some are well behind their patients in experience and maturity.

If it does not work for you, and you think the counsellor is not helping you sufficiently, then replace them.

BarbaraRoberts Sat 24-Sep-16 17:38:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

illhaveabrew Sat 24-Sep-16 18:29:43

Hi Barbara, it was just an initial assessment, however made us confront things which is always helpful. H has agreed to go to counselling for his own issues (childhood issues) and AA which is a big step forwards. You don't realise all your issues are there until something happens to make you really think about what you need.

How is yours going?

BarbaraRoberts Sun 25-Sep-16 15:17:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Solongtoshort Sun 25-Sep-16 18:01:04

Oh ladies can l join, l have my first session on Tuesday h idea, l don't know if will do any good. I'm anxious about it.

illhaveabrew Sun 25-Sep-16 19:48:21

Hi solong, if it is the very first one then it may just be a fact finding thing, but all very good to get out.

Barbara, I know how you feel. Also struggling with the deceit, however I have made a promise to myself to really try and make this work and try my hardest not to keep punishing him. He has apologised, said it won't happen again. I think there will always be a little bit of me that will never truly trust him again but I willing to let him try to regain that trust. I think that is all we can do (or be expected to do) for the moment.
Much love to you all smile

ExpatTrailingSpouse Sun 25-Sep-16 20:15:25

solong - good luck! as brew said, it's just the first one so don't feel like it's not working if you didn't have time to delve into things right away. our counsellor now mostly gives us 2 hour sessions as 1 hour just isn't enough to get into the meat of things (also with a H that goes round and round in circles, we waste a lot of time, but that's another story).

i think most people know right away if they feel comfortable with their counsellor even on the first meet, so I would say, go with your gut and don't waste time if you really don't like your counsellor on the first go.

illhaveabrew Tue 27-Sep-16 19:39:50

How did it go so long?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 27-Sep-16 20:07:49

He has agreed to go to AA?

So the affair is the least of your problems then?

How about you go to Al-Anon?

Solongtoshort Tue 27-Sep-16 21:52:21

Hi it was ok, there's along wait for our next appointment, she said it was really clear we don't like each other very much and she also said that at this point in time my husband needs to put our relationship first above all others as that's what is important to our family. She said we only have two options working at it or separating and l agree with her because he can't move back whilst we feel like this towards each other.

He suffers from anxiety and is nasty with with and shouts a lot, he feels pushed out of our family because he has to go to work, l'm on mat leave l go back in 3 weeks, l will be honest l don't know how l will cope, l will, but l don't know how. He wouldn't feel pushed out if he stopped watching the tv and reading his magazines and got involved in our life's. He makes me so angry and takes no accountability for his actions, l have come away feeling very frustrated.

I get the feeling he thinks everything is just going to get back to normal and l will go back to being ok getting treated like the dogs body of the family.

And don't get me started on a man telling saying he is tired especially to someone who hasn't had a full nights sleep in nearly a year.........bloody prick.

ExpatTrailingSpouse Tue 27-Sep-16 22:25:16

solong - yes!!! Wtf is with men who don't understand not having had an interrupted nights sleep in a long time?! (Almost 3 years in my case). Oh but I go to work all you have to do is look after ds and you can nap whenever you feel like it (during those 20 min naps ds would take ...hmm).
Sorry you are feeling frustrated - don't give up yet. Some sessions will be like that but in my mind can still be useful.
I hope thinks work out for you at counselling - its a pain you have to wait so long for the next appointment. We didn't get anywhere til we started going at least once a week, 2 hr sessions. (Mind you we haven't gotten that far with regular sessions). If you can, do try and get your appointments scheduled so they're not normally so long apart - easy to fall back into old routines and forget what the counsellor said etc.

illhaveabrew Wed 28-Sep-16 06:54:22

Run rabbit, yes there are a lot of issues but I don't think he's an alcoholic but does need some help with his drinking as I think he uses it as a crutch to block out/numb/deal with everything in life. It was a real eye opener for him and now I think he is not drinking for him and not just to win me back which is a real start.

Solong, bless you, mine is turning 2 next week and although I was excited to go back to work (adults real adults doing adulty things) I missed her so much, without everything you are going through. Big hugs x

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Wed 28-Sep-16 11:14:25

Following with interest. I am currently working on my DH to go. Not because of an affair, but I think we need help, and a lot of it.

Well done to those of you who have taken the leap. I hope it helps.

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