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The police are going to arrest my partner, it won't help but they won't listen. I asked them not to, what the hell am I going to do?

(935 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 22-Sep-16 12:54:48

Fucking hell, I just went to the police station to make an application under Clare's law about dp, which is all confidential and they will contact a friend instead of me for safety.

I happened to mention that he pushed me over a few weeks ago and they now say they are going to arrest him, I have no choice or say in the matter. I told them that it will
make things worse, not better, and they just kept spouting about how they had to minimise the risk to me. WTAF, arresting him will maximise the fucking risk, creating risk where there was none.

I told them that it didn't feel like they were protecting me, quite the opposite and that I now feel unable to tell the police any thing at all.

They're going to come to our home and arrest him. I asked them to do it when the kids aren't there and they said they'd put a note on but couldn't guarantee it. They'll probably come tomorrow morning.

What the fucking hell am I going to do? Should I tell him beforehand? I think I have to. He will never forgive me. He had just started fixing our bathroom, which we have been without bath or shower for weeks now, I'm desperate for it to be fixed. He won't fucking do that now.

I feel like I've been coerced by the police, 'for my own protection' but it won't protect me, it will make things worse and they would not listen. Thy said I had made a cry for help. This is not the kind of 'help' I need.

Cockblocktopus Thu 22-Sep-16 12:59:01

IKEA, I'm sorry you're in this situation.

What sort of help do you need now? What do you want? Him gone?

I don't think I would tell him - could you use this as a way to get him out? Emergency non mol? Who own the home?

Motherfuckers Thu 22-Sep-16 12:59:19

What kind of help were you after? Why is this a bad thing? You need to keep you and your children safe.

furryminkymoo Thu 22-Sep-16 13:04:40

How long have you been with him?

Why were you lodging an application?

Bathroom issues seem insignificant if you are living with violent man?

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 22-Sep-16 13:08:29

He had bi polar disorder. He is prone to severe depression. We have been together 10yrs. I want to end the relationship but in my own time, to minimise the drama and upset for the kids. He only pushed me backwards onto the bed. I wasn't injured. He has hit me a couple of times in the past, on arms and legs - no injuries. I am not in immediate danger.

This will likely push him into a serious depressive and/or paranoid episode. He will never forgive me and it will far lessen the chances of a harmonious split. Things are ok at the moment, he will see it as coming out of the blue, and that I'm trying to make sure he can't see the kids. He said a few days ago that he can't remember pushing me and said sorry for having done it.

The fact of the police coming to our home and presumably taking him out in handcuffs where people he knows may see will upset him a lot. I'm wondering if I tell him he could avoid that by presenting himself at the station.

wellcoveredsparerib Thu 22-Sep-16 13:10:18

What made you apply for information under Clare's law Op?

TyrionLannisterforKing Thu 22-Sep-16 13:10:21

OP, I am not British so do not know the particulars abour Clare's Law. I read about it before replying to this post.

1- What was the reason for you wanting to know about your DP's past? It appears they will not disclose anything unless there is a risk.
2- It seems you believe that your DP will be violent after the arrest. Why? It looks like a red flag.
3- Tell us about the pushing over. How did that happen? And when you visited the police, is it possible you showed any bruising, etc, that made them worry and react to the mention of you being pushed over?
4- Do not tell him about the arrest. Read 2 again. If he gets violent, better with the police than with you.
5- The bathroom. Surely your safety is more important than it?

Amandahugandkisses Thu 22-Sep-16 13:12:14

If he has hit you before and didn't remember the last time are you not concerned at all that the violence will escalate?
Women are most vulnerable from a violent partner when seeking to end the relationship.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 22-Sep-16 13:13:25

I was making the application because I've been reading Lundy Bancroft and at the start of our relationship he made me think that his ex was crazy, she took an injunction against him - one where you don't give the person notice beforehand - when he went to court for it it was dropped. I just thought it would be prudent to check.

It just seems contrary to all the 'cover your tracks' advice from women's charities - that the police will ignore your wishes like this. I honestly wish I'd never mentioned it to them. This is going to fuck up everything and it's my fault. I could have just made the application and said nothing else.

wellcoveredsparerib Thu 22-Sep-16 13:14:15

Sorry for previous x post. Police should refer you to a domestic abuse advisor. Do take this support as they can help you plan your leaving safely.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 22-Sep-16 13:16:03

I refused to be referred - I was feeling so cross with them for not listening to me. I know that a woman is at most risk when ending a relationship - which is why I don't want him to know I've been to the bloody police. It's quite ironic. I've really fucked everything up now.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 22-Sep-16 13:17:58

The incidents have been fairly evenly spaced over the 10 yrs, it is not escalating, who knows now, he will be very very very angry and upset about being arrested. He will be angry with me and blame me.

ikeawrappingpaper Thu 22-Sep-16 13:20:59

We were having an argument, he went to leave the room and shut the door behind him, I went to open the door, he pushed me backwards and I fell onto the bed, he went off shutting the door again. He was not in a good mental state at the time. This will put him into a not good mental state again.

I think I will have to tell him later after the kids are in bed to give him the chance to avoid the humiliation of being taken handcuffed out of his own house.

mouldycheesefan Thu 22-Sep-16 13:23:20

This may be the push you need to break up with him. Sounds like you are never going to actually do it otherwise. Waiting him for not be depressed or react badly, you could wait forever. Kids will be upset whenever you break up with him, again waiting for a time when there won't be drama or upset isn't moving things forward. This is your opportunity, seize the day.

Buzzardbird Thu 22-Sep-16 13:24:16

Ikea, I was on your last thread about him and have read your posts about him being controlling, possessive, abusive etc.
Did you contact WA last time?

You went to the Police and you said what you said because a little part of you was asking for help. They are trying to help you. They know from experience that so many people in your position back track after 'accidentally' telling them what is happening.

You need to accept that this is finally going to be over...for the better.

ElspethFlashman Thu 22-Sep-16 13:25:39

Wait, he has unpredictable and erratic severe MH issues and can be aggressive "without remembering" and you're planning on telling him you're effectively having him arrested when you're alone in the house with him late at night?

Are you mad???!

MrsHathaway Thu 22-Sep-16 13:25:47

"Creating risk where there was none"

But ... you're making an application under Clare's Law, the results of which can't go to your house just in case, about a man who pushed you over.

Can you see why they think there might be a risk? They've dealt with a lot more abusers than you have.

LemonBreeland Thu 22-Sep-16 13:26:50

I agree with the above poster. Use this as your chance to end things rather than being angry at the police. They are trying to protect you, particularly as they are not doing it for yourself.

Forget about harmonious splitting and just get on with it. This is not a good environment for your DC.

Dollykazaver Thu 22-Sep-16 13:29:35

Don't tell him you went to the police. Just don't.

MrsHathaway Thu 22-Sep-16 13:29:44

Cross posted.

... a man with a history of hitting you who pushed you over recently and didn't apologise or check you were ok, who is currently mentally unwell and may react unpredictably ...

Of course they have to arrest him. Because if they didn't they might be responding to the neighbours' call saying you've been killed.

It happens every single day.

I take your point about covering your tracks but you can safely leave while he's in a cell.

Mikkalina Thu 22-Sep-16 13:30:15

Ikea, I would talk to police again.

BlueFolly Thu 22-Sep-16 13:30:21

The 'perfect time' to leave him will never arise. This is your chance to endings with him. It sounds to me that the police are doing the right thing.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 22-Sep-16 13:31:08


You've basically been abused by him for the last decade and now you have become completely ground down. Just because his behaviour has not escalated in your mind does not mean to say that it is okay because it is not.

How much of this is really due to him being bi-polar (is this also an officially confirmed diagnosis) and how much of this is due to him being inherently violent towards women?. Such men like this really hate women, all of them.

Why should you at all protect him from the consequences of his actions?.

If you mention anything that could be a criminal offence - for example that your partner has hit you – the police will have to investigate that as a crime, and may choose to arrest your partner if they feel it necessary. They should also give you the details of a specialist domestic violence service, who you can go to for support.

user1473282350 Thu 22-Sep-16 13:31:27

Have you considered that the police may have run checks on him whilst you were there and there is potentially more risk to you that you are unaware of? For instance, there may be more to the story with his ex that he has not told you.

Police (at least in some counties) have to act when domestic violence or suspicions of domestic violence come to light. This is because it is now known that this crime takes a huge toll on the entire family. Additionally, it is not up for the person to chose whether to investigate or drop the case, as in say a burglary case, as it is known that many people who have been through domestic violence do not make appropriate decisions due to the situations they are in.

If you genuinely feel for your safety because he is going to be arrested you need to make sure that the police but safety procedures in place at your home or move you to a safe place.

The most dangerous thing you could do now is stop communicating with the police and agencies who are trying to help you. That would leave you isolated and in a potentially volatile situation.

MostlyHet Thu 22-Sep-16 13:31:28

Ikea - I am so sorry this has happened to you. But (if I am remembering correctly) didn't you have a lengthy thread recently about his sexual abuse of you? I think you're actually minimising his behaviour here, and the police are right (and they have the power to prosecute without your say-so precisely because it is now well-established that DV victims - which you are, given your description of your life with him in your other thread - are often so ground down by their violent partners that they can't bring themselves to press charges).


I do hope you can get out of this relationship, because honestly, the only long-term solution to a man whose mental state leads him to attack you, and where you are so worried about sending him into "the wrong mental state" that you walk on eggshells all the time, is to live your life separately from him.

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