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Fed up and need advice please

(8 Posts)
wheresthel1ght Wed 21-Sep-16 21:06:20

I love dp dearly. He is a great dad, works hard and provides for us etc. But he seems to have lost any desire to be near me. We haven't had sex since before dd was born - she is now 3. He won't come to bed with me even to snuggle.

He has put on a lot of weight in the last few years - as have I. I am trying hard to eat more carefully and increase my exercise to try and lose and it is happening but very slowly. He on the other hand whinges incessantly but does nothing about it. He pays a fortune out every month for a gym membership he never uses and the. Whinges that things are tight.

Pleas Ele time be clear, the weight doesn't bother me. He is still sexy as hell to me and I adore him. It is an issue for him - or at least he says it is. He hates how he looks and I suspect is a bit depressed.

How do I help him without sounding like a nag? I have been cooking slimming world meals and trying really hard not to snack etc. Been cutting down portions but then he snacks all night.

The dscs are here tonight, dd has actually gone to bed easily for the first time in forever and dp has flopped on the sofa and snored. I went to make the lunches for tomorrow and come back to find he has fucked off to bed without a word.

It feels like I am just his housekeeper and nanny. I don't care about the sex. I don't have a high sex drive but I miss the closeness, the cuddles, kisses etc. We have tried to talk about things but nothing changes. I am not sure if I am going nuts or if he just no longer loves me but hasn't got he balls to tell me.

Any advice?

Onlyonce Wed 21-Sep-16 21:15:46

Aside from the weight issue would it be worth him getting checked over by a doctor? If he's feeling tired all the time etc. That would rule out any physical issues and perhaps help motivate him.

Have you told him how you feel? That you love him but miss how your relationship used to be? Something needs to be done to bring the spark back. Is there a way for you to have an afternoon or evening together just the two of you. Do something like go to a local beauty spot for a walk or just out for a coffee?

Onlyonce Wed 21-Sep-16 21:19:24

Does sound like maybe he is an emotional eater or the snacks have just become a habbit. Hard to break but it can be done

wheresthel1ght Wed 21-Sep-16 21:24:06

Thanks for the reply.

His health is suffering because of the weight - he is an asthmatic and it's bad because of the extra weight. Other than that he is fine health wise. He works nights which is a huge issue. On his "nights off" he stays up til 2 and then lazes around all day and stays up all night. I work days so time together is not excessive. We don't have childcare options with family so time together without kids is very sporadic.

I have told him, it came to a head over my birthday a few months back and I did lay it out that I wouldn't keep allowing him to make me feel like this. That it was last chance saloon for our relationship and he made an effort for a couple of weeks and then it has all gone back to being glued to his phone and ignoring me.

He whinges I come on Mumsnet but he literally spends hours on Pokemon or sim city - to point I have flipped out when we go out for "family time" and threatened to hurl hi phone out the car window!

Onlyonce Wed 21-Sep-16 21:52:14

Do you think he would consider relationship counselling?

Onlyonce Wed 21-Sep-16 21:55:00

You could say that him making an effort to be more healthy would be supportive of you, so you are doing it to help each other? He sounds very much stuck in a rut. It must be really hard for you

wheresthel1ght Thu 22-Sep-16 03:35:21

I don't think he would do counselling but I might look into it - his ex had an affair and blamed his weight amongst other things and I think he thinks history will repeat.

I would never cheat but I also can't go on with this coldness.

I will try the supporting me tactic and see how it fares.


Onlyonce Thu 22-Sep-16 20:45:36

I hope you find something that helps. I know where you are coming from with the closeness. It's disappeared from my relationship too. I don't know if it's due to him losing his mother in extremely horrible and sudden circumstances, or if it's the fact we now have dd or if it's purely that he doesn't like me anyore. He never says I love you, we haven't been out just the two of us in two years. I get a peck on the lips in the morning. No cuddles normally. He will cuddle me if he wants sex and that's it. I've posted elsewhere about his comments on my body.

You and your dp stand a good chance as you evidently still love him. He needs to work with you though.

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