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Partner can't forgive me, turning into a bully

(22 Posts)
shereexx Wed 21-Sep-16 12:04:21

So, my partner went through my Internet history and found that I had google searched my ex partner. Just to give some background this ex tried to kill me and I have googled him on a regular basis to see if anything else has ever happened, curiosity and that is it. Anyway so my current partner left and came back, said I broke the trust in the relationship. Although I find it hard to understand as in my mind it was innocent I have come to understand he is hurt and in his mind it means I am looking at him because I miss him, in actual fact he couldn't me more wrong.

He refuses to except my explanation, can not believe me however he has completely changed. He has turned into a bully and says he will never forget this and can't forgive me overnight. Our relationship is at breaking point, every time I mention anything he tells me to walk away if I can't deal with it. I don't recognise the person he is now, I don't know how to repair this. I don't want to leave him, but I don't think I have any other choice? Please help, am I in the wrong? Should I just accept he is hurt and let him vent how he needs to? How long should I accept this behaviour for? Please help I'm lost, I'm so tired of feeling this way sad

hellsbellsmelons Wed 21-Sep-16 12:11:34

The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE
Unfortunately you have traded one abusive bully for another.
This is the real him.
He's found a way to keep you in line and punish you and he's using it to it's fullest.
This won't die down or end.
Even if it improves for a while he will bring it up time and time again and use it as a stick to beat you with.
You know this isn't right.
Did you get support from Womens Aid after your last abusive relationship?
I'm sure if you look at this one more closely you will see similarities.
Please get in touch with Womens Aid enrol on their Freedom Programme.
This WILL escalate.
If you want to go out he will now want to know, where, with who, how long will you be? He will punish you if you are late etc....
It's dire.
Don't get into another abusive situation.
Get out now - don't look back.
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

OnTheRise Wed 21-Sep-16 12:13:14

You're not in the wrong. You're entitled to search for stuff online. If your new partner is bullying you then he's the one in the wrong. Simple.

Now you're running round trying to repair what's not broken: he's manipulating you. This is not good.

Figgygal Wed 21-Sep-16 12:15:25

You are but wrong that's a sound explanation your dp is an idiot

daisymai08 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:16:59

Aw that's really sad and he's totally unreasonable - look after yourself....

sentia Wed 21-Sep-16 12:17:09

Eh? Does he have any logical reason to think you're pining after your ex that you haven't mentioned? Because if not he's completely overreacted in a weird and disturbing way. I google my exes out of curiosity from time to time, doesn't everyone?

Starlight234 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:18:30

Can I suggest the freedom program for you.

You have to understand how he feels..

He doesn't have to forgive.. I have looked up all sorts of people online... I have my first boyfriend on fb...He is happily married... We are FB friends. I do not expect someone to judge me based on that

I also do not expect someone to be going through my browsing history.

I am sorry to be blunt this is how it all starts..Its your fault... He can go through your stuff because you destroyed his trust, your fault how he behaves.

Yes you should leave because this won't get better.

You deserve better but think you need to do some work on you before another relationship.

Mightjustbelosingmymind311 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:22:17

Why did he feel the need to look through your internet history in the first place? Is that something he does frequently?
How long ago was this incident that triggered this behaviour from him? I wonder how long he is going to use it as an excuse to abuse you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 21-Sep-16 12:33:52

You are not a real person to him; he is keeping you as a pet to train and control. It is not mentally healthy for you to be around him ... Which can manifest in physical harm either directly from him or through stress induced ailments.

My sister had this- her first husband of 20 years died and she cried- her present husband went bonkers.

You are not to consider any other male on the planet in any way shape or form.

The present rift in your relationship is a perfect time for you to get out.

PumpkinPie9 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:37:59

Googling previous partners is fine. I've googled all sorts of people including ex partners because I'm nosey. I don't fancy any of them. It's normal. You've done nothing wrong.

Isetan Wed 21-Sep-16 12:49:39

Run, this is who he is and he's twisting your legitimate explanation and using it as a stick to beat you with. If you stay, he will continue to beat you with this stick and invent new ones to keep you in line, this isn't love it's abuse.

I'm afraid you've got rid of one bully and saddled yourself with another.

Canyouforgiveher Wed 21-Sep-16 12:50:36

Walk away now. You'll be glad you did.

He should not have gone through your browsing history.

He should not have gotten his knickers in a twist about you googling an ex (googling an ex is very normal by the way, even without the special circumstances in your case).

He should have accepted your explanation immediately.

He should not be giving you this level of abuse even if he did, unreasonably, feel hurt.

He is having a great time watching you twist and turn to make him happy. Leave now. you'll never regret it.

shereexx Wed 21-Sep-16 13:07:07

Thank you for all the replies, I know I need to walk away, I can't face being in another toxic relationship. It's hard because I had never seen this side to him, however I know I can't make excuses for him.

To answer the questions, it has been a couple of weeks of this, that is enough it's exhausting and emotional torture.

No, I have never give him any reason to doubt me, I am open and honest with him. I have never mentioned my ex relationships to him or even thought about them in my mind.

He hadn't before that I know of, he said he was looking for a site he visited previously on the iPad, I have no reason to not believe that however since then he wants to look at my phone a lot.

I didn't get any help, I wish I had but at the time I found it difficult to admit to people what I had been through and never felt like I would have been able to make the most out of it. I think now is the time I need to seek help and advice to help myself.

Thank you all !!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 21-Sep-16 13:32:55

since then he wants to look at my phone a lot
No no no no no.
He does NOT get to look at your phone.
Put a new passcode on there and tell him he's not to invade your privacy again.
Then walk away.
Your update sounds strong.
You know you need some support now.
So get out and get all the support you can.
From RL friends and family to any support services that are offered.
Time for you now!
Find yourself.
Find your voice.
It's liberating!!!

ShotsFired Wed 21-Sep-16 13:34:39

Um, just a thought, but if he is searching your phone now too, will he be able to see you logging into MN and what you have posted here?

(I can't add anything other than vehement agreement to pp, btw)

AndTheBandPlayedOn Wed 21-Sep-16 13:40:25

Be careful. He sounds the type to have put a key logger on your devices to track your messages; or activate GPS to know where you are at all times.
Get away first, then have all your tech devices checked. I don't mean to alarm you, but I've seen it described on here before.

SandyY2K Wed 21-Sep-16 16:19:42

Take back the power and end it with him. Nothing good will come of this relationship.

Shayelle Wed 21-Sep-16 17:25:57

He sounds like another psycho. Get rid x

pictish Wed 21-Sep-16 17:35:38

He has used this as an excuse to get you right where he wants you imvho.
If it hadn't been your search history it would have been something else sooner or later.

He's a cunt. Let's be clear on that. He does not get to go through your phone and he does not get to hold you to ransom and threaten you with the end of the relationship for two weeks solid over an innocent and understandable google search!

You have ended up in another abusive relationship I'm sorry to say. Your partner may even have sensed your vulnerability from the beginning. These men certainly seem to seek it out.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 21-Sep-16 18:03:38

Defiitely get rid. And, once you have got rid of this man, look into getting some help such as the Freedom Programme before you date anyone else. Women who have previously been abused tend to attract abusers - they have something like radar for a woman who is vulnerable, and will zoom right in. And, because you have experienced abuse and control, it will seem familiar and 'romantic' in some ways. But you can break the pattern and learn to recognise the dangers signs and dump such losers straight away.

pictish Wed 21-Sep-16 18:20:39

They also spend a deal of time convincing you that they are the polar opposite of the bad guy you had such a poor experience with before.
So when they show their true colours and hit you with their shit, you tell yourself it must be down to the awfulness of what you've done, rather than their bullying and control. Cos he's not like that, right? must be you. You'll know not to do that again.

I bet you've already apologised a fuck ton. Yet he keeps it going on anyway. What a wanker.

AnyFucker Wed 21-Sep-16 18:26:34

You have found another abuser

Get rid of him pronto

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