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What do they gain from making me out to be the bad guy?

(14 Posts)
Emochild Tue 20-Sep-16 22:54:20

Split up with my ex 6 years ago -we have 2 dds

Over the last 4 years he has been slowly decreasing the amount of contact he has with the dds

Contact often took place at his parents and as a result, dds were close to his parents

I make sure dd2 goes to her grandparents every 6 weeks even if she isn't seeing her dad (he will go months without being in contact)
dd1 doesn't have contact but that's a whole other story
I do the travelling to get her there and back, drop her at family parties etc

She's been this weekend and was quiet when I picked her up

Turns out her grandmother has spent the weekend telling her that the reason her dad doesn't get in touch is because he is scared that I will have a go at him

He's text dd tonight (first time in 8 weeks) and invited her for tea -" as long as it doesn't upset your mum! "

What are they playing at?

Dd knows I facilitate visits
She knows I invite her dad to all her school events -and he never shows up
She knows I take her to get Christmas and birthday presents for him
She knows she can't stay over at his as he has no room now he lives with his girlfriend and her children
She knows I got up at 5 am to wave her off on a weekend away with him and his 'new' family (when he barely spoke and she spent more time talking to his girlfriend)

What do they hope to achieve by making me out to be the bad guy?

gamerchick Tue 20-Sep-16 22:57:54

Because she doesn't want to admit to herself that her son is a waste of space?

PacificOcean Tue 20-Sep-16 22:57:56

Who knows? But if I were you, I'd reduce contact with her grandparents. That doesn't sound like a nice weekend for her sad

gamerchick Tue 20-Sep-16 22:58:37

I'd be having a quiet word with he in private though about her dripping words into your bairns ear.

ivykaty44 Tue 20-Sep-16 22:59:49

Why should he shoulder the blame for his own short comings and inadequacy when he can tell silly tales that he's frightened of you and your to blame for his actions?

Canyouforgiveher Tue 20-Sep-16 23:03:59

Turns out her grandmother has spent the weekend telling her that the reason her dad doesn't get in touch is because he is scared that I will have a go at him

Well the alternative is that your exMIL has to accept that her son is a complete shit and a bad father so I suppose I can see why she lives in denial land.

Still, I'd call the grandmother on this. And make it clear that your dd does not enjoy spending time with people who say untrue, mean things about her mother.

DarklyDreamingDexter Tue 20-Sep-16 23:05:21

If you're going to get painted as the bad guy whatever you do, I'd cut off contact with the grandparents and tell the spiteful bitch exactly why you've done it. Some people are just poisonous. Who knows what other nonsense they are filling your DD's head with.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 20-Sep-16 23:17:53

How awful for your DD. She had to sit there and be told repeatedly that her mum is horrible. What could a child say in that situation? She must feel rubbish, maybe guilty for not defending you enough or guilty for calling out her DGM / DF. Poor girl.

Stop doing the leg work to maintain contact with his family. Leave it all 100% to him.

You can't have your DD see you arrange visits and drive her there when they treat her and you like that. Draw a line OP.

Emochild Tue 20-Sep-16 23:36:24

I won't be sending her again

To my face she will tell me what a good job I do, dd1 has ASD -they don't understand the detail but they do seem to appreciate it's hard

I just can't believe I didn't see through her

Nothing my ex does surprises me but i'm truly shocked

She was grilling her on her older sister -a topic I told her was off limits unless dd2 brought it up

This weekend was supposed to be about her having a break from her sister and having some quality time with her grandparents

Cary2012 Wed 21-Sep-16 07:13:07

What IvyKaty44 says above.

They're going along with his lies to enable him to ignore his bad parenting. Like him, they'd rather blame you than face the truth.

If I was you I'd write a letter to her saying that your DD won't be visiting again due to the distress caused by her badmouthing you and grilling about her sis. Say that if her son wants to visit his kids he can make the effort, as can she.

You'd be a mug to keep driving your daughter to visits that she finds stressful where people put you down.

Remove yourself and daughter from this scenario and mil may be forced to remove her rose tinted specs and see her son for the waster he is.
Good luck.

ravenmum Wed 21-Sep-16 08:41:47

Grandmother doesn't know what is really going on anyway, so you can't blame her for believing what her son says. But even if it was true she should not be talking about such sensitive matters to her granddaughter. I'd give her a ring and tell her as much - say that your daughter was really upset by the sniping, and whatever gm thinks is going on she shouldn't be making her gd feel bad about either of her parents.

Do you get along well enough to invite her round to yours instead of sending your daughter over there? I also make sure the kids see my in-laws - it is good for them all, and also helps me counter whatever crap my ex might be telling them about me - if I turned my back on them it would just reinforce the picture he has painted of me as disliking his family.

Emochild Wed 21-Sep-16 09:26:01

The only way they could get to me is if I went and picked them up and took them home again -fil has recently given up driving due to ill health

He's in his 80s and i'm aware he might not have much quality of life going forward so I don't want to be the cow that prevents him from seeing his grandchild but I can't allow mil unsupervised access

ivykaty44 Wed 21-Sep-16 20:51:46

I certainly wouldn't be writing anything down on paper.

Why waste time

Just get on with your life

abbsismyhero Wed 21-Sep-16 21:28:14

i would (and have) call her out on it she has upset your daughter when she needed a break thats nasty and uncalled for

fwiw my ex wanted nothing to do with his daughter she still saw granny then granny was leaving her with her dad at her house while she went shopping he didn't feed her didn't give her asthma medicine and told her to call his girlfriend mommy and said she was going to live with him and her new mommy the poor thing was three years old i told granny about it she got in my three year old daughters face and tried to confront her about it i said it would be best if she saw her granddaughter at separate times to when her father was supposed to see her so they both got to see her she said if she couldn't do what she wanted she wouldn't see her at all 13 years later thats exactly how it went i never denied her access every time she asked for contact she got it but its still my fault im still the bad one because i wouldn't compromise my daughters mental stability

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