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Long story trigger warning drugs and rape.

(25 Posts)
Survivor5833 Tue 20-Sep-16 21:37:38

I was a young mum having my ds at age 17 luckily my dh had just finished his degree and got a good job we were very happy and at age 21 I had our dd1 then I got pregnant with Dd2 when I was 22, I was young but extremely happy I didn't have any friends and I never went out but I was happy with my family then all at once things went wrong. I had a mental breakdown and I was diagnosed as bipolar type 1.

I was stable on my medication however and doing well. Dd1 however was between 18months and 2yo and she wasn't hitting her developmental milestones, she had terrible tantrums hated to be touched and was diagnosed with autism she was two, ds was having extreme behaviour problems and was diagnosed as having adhd.

I did all my dc care and was surviving on two hours sleep a night as dd1 wouldn't sleep and dd2 was just a baby. I was 24 now and I made a very shallow and stupid mistake the first of many I was taking 15mg olanzapine and I had gained 4 stone so I refused to take my olanzapine any more so I was put on 30mg aripiprazole and as I had needed to be seen quickly my care was handed from a senior consultant psychiatrist to a junior psychiatrist as I needed a emergency appointment and he was less busy.

I didn't react well to the aripiprazole and I became severely depressed making suicide attempt after suicide attempt. I asked to be put back onto olanzapine but my new psychiatrist refused he said if the aripiprazole wasn't working I wasn't bipolar I had bpd and he took me of my meds that was three years ago.

For a year I was severely depressed I couldn't look after my dc anymore and I just lay in bed I made regular suicide attempts but nothing was done after a year however something worse than the depression came.

I had been surviving on two hours sleep a night struggling to cope with my bipolar and my three do two of which had sn and I went on a major manic episode. This was two years ago.

During this manic episode I ran off with a violent drug addict who had been to prison for attempted murder and gbh with intent. He was extremely abusive and I left my beloved dh who treated me well for him then I stupidly copied him and started to inject amphetamine.

For 18 months I was injecting amphetamine and during that time I have watched friends who weren't as lucky as me die. I put my family through absolute hell, at one point at age 27 I was admitted to hospital and given morphine hourly for a painful infection and put on heart attack watch for 7 days with my ops taken every 15mins the morphine eased the withdrawal greatly but as soon as I left hospital I went straight back to injecting the amphetamine.

My relationship was severely abusive to name a few things my ex did was every come down he would anally rape me beat me and stop me sleeping for four days in order to cause me maximum pain during my comedown. I asked to go into rehab but was told rehab is only for alcoholics and heroin addicts, I went to crisis many times begging for help but was turned away as I only had bpd. I would beg my ex to let me stop injecting as it was extremely dangerous to do so as my arms were in a bad way but he would force me to keep going and when I came down he would punish me by not letting me sleep. One time he got fed up of me wanting to give the drugs up that he let me get to 7 days clean then injected me in my sleep. I was no longer manic I was now severely depressed and I was so broken by my exes abuse I was afraid to leave him believing I needed him as I'd lost everything.i still had regular contact with my do as I made sure I never went near them when I was using and my do have no idea I used drugs they think the days I couldn't come I was unwell one day when they are older I shall have to explain the truth I'm sure and answer for what I've done as my dc still all ask to come live with me. My family barely spoke to me and my mum was shut off from me I thought she didn't love me but I couldn't have been more wrong.

6 months ago I had been injecting for two weeks straight as my kids were on holiday so I saw no reason to come down I was on day four of a comedown having been forced to stay awake and suffer as usual when my ex and me had a massive row and the beating I got was severe he left me alone so I took a overdose, when the ambulance crew came I refused to go in the ambulance and I couldn't be prouder of my mum for what happened next. I was lying in bed over 200 dirty needles on my bedroom floor I had been badly raped and beaten and I had been awake 18 days 14 while off it on amphetamine four on a come down I had 20 dirty but still usable needles laid out over the bed next me blood was pissing down my arms when my mum was called and she walked into my bedroom and took one look at me and said can you move the needles luv I moved them and collapsed in my mums arms we were both taken up the hospital. I passed out in the ambulance. My mother was told there was no need to stay as I wouldn't be awake plus she hoped crisis would give me more help if I were alone. My ex woke me up at 4 in the morning and asked could I walk I said yes and as drowsy as i was I managed to walk home.

When I got home he started mentally a using me refusing to let me sleep police and everyone were searching for me. My mum called and i heard the worry in her voice and it cast doubt on my exes constant lies that my mum didn't love me, I thought fuck this I'm going home for some sleep. I ran out of the house and was chased by my ex luckily I came to the end of the street and by coincidence my mum and sister were there on their way to weather spoons. I collapsed at my mums feet and said please can I come home to sleep and my beloved mum nearly down and cried does this mean your coming home at last and I started crying with happiness as I had found a way out plus my ex was wrong someone did love me my mum and my sister had to help me home and they were crying on the way with happiness that I was coming home.

I have been clean since but the mess on me at first was bad and my beloved mother has taken great care of me and helped me back on my feet. I couldn't be more grateful and over the last six months I've been rebuilding things with my Dc now I have them overnight once for each child and have them everyday Monday to Friday things are going well.

I've repaired a lot of the mental damage and I've re built the bond with my family and dc. I even have managed to get on good terms with my dh who I cook a meal once a week for. I am so lucky to have survived and to have the love and care of my mum. My mum got my meds put back on to olanzapine and i have been stable since and my psychiatrist has been changed to one who diagnosed bipolar 1 and bpd my previous psychiatrist has been severely reprimanded.

I have done terrible things but now I'm off the drugs slowly I return to the person I was before I became unwell.

The reason I'm posting here is everything's going so well for me and I worked hard to get to where I am but I feel the urge to use badly again and I'm afraid I'm going to throw it all away and use. I think I need some therapy tbh to deal with the things I've done and seen.

I've done terrible things which I can never be forgiven for but now I'm I suing all my energy to make up for the things I've done.

I guess the reason I'm craving is because the other day I found two dirty needles where kids could get hurt so I picked them up and disposed of them and that mixed with the fact that I'm waiting for my std check to come back is making me want to use badly. This is my first post please don't be too hard on me.

Sassypants82 Tue 20-Sep-16 22:24:54

I just wanted to say congratulations, well done & keep on trucking. You've come too far to go back. You have so much love & support around you & a beautiful life to be lived. Please don't ever give it up. You are stronger than you know. Best of luck flowers

Texfactor Tue 20-Sep-16 22:37:40

You sound like an amazing & strong woman. You have people around you who love you & beautiful kids.
Keep on keeping on.
Only look back to see how far you've come. brew

Ilovewineandcrisps Tue 20-Sep-16 22:45:02

Bloody hell you have been through hell, well done for getting out flowers

nilbyname Tue 20-Sep-16 22:55:02

Don't use.

You're strong and capable. Just keep swimming.

Cut all the negative contacts.

OhMrsQ Tue 20-Sep-16 23:11:46


You have been doing great. You are on the path to recovery and sorting your life out. Remember how awful it was when you used? Please try to keep going, one step at a time.

You are so strong. Think of the fantastic life you have ahead. Keep posting here for support. xx

SavageBeauty73 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:20:37

Keep going! Take one day at a time. Are you going to NA? It can be massively supportive but I know it's not for everyone.


horseygeorgie1 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:43:11

I am in awe. You have been through so much and are clearly such a strong person. Stay strong.

Survivor5833 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:48:44

Thanks all no I don't attend NA I just have my drug aid worker who I see once a week. I don't want to use I am just about to start court proceedings to have my kids all together every Monday night so I can gradually build up my time with them. I'm on good terms with my husband and while I don't think we will ever reconcile we are starting to get a good friendship going and he was my best friend for most of my life so I'd love to have the friendship back. I don't want to frighten my mum as I didn't realise before how worried she was as my ex convinced me I was unloved.

I've come this far thanks to my beloved mum she has been amazing in the early days I was more or less bed bound and she would do everything for me and has gradually started giving me more responsibility as I get better.

I'm not back on my feet completely yet but it's a weird feeling as everyday I get more and more like my own self. My interests and hobbies are starting to come back like I've started reading again and playing computer games with my kids I clean now and do all of my school care while they are with me.

I have come a long way and it was honestly a nightmare on the drugs I was in constant agony of I didn't have it I really don't want to go back. I'll call my drug aid worker and arrange a emergency appointment see if that will help. Thank for all your kind replies.

torthecatlady Tue 20-Sep-16 23:56:32

So pleased for you! Please keep going! You and your mum sound amazing.

MrsC2810 Wed 21-Sep-16 00:25:58

Please keep going! I'm in total awe of you.

It sounds like you have a great support network and your mum sounds amazing.

Be strong and think positive, you CAN do this.

Dieu Wed 21-Sep-16 00:37:58

Reread your post and look at the nightmare your life was when you were using. Not to mention how hellish it must have been for your loved ones. Stay strong.

RollingWithIt Wed 21-Sep-16 01:03:29

Wow op you sound so strong and you are strong! Keep going don't look back, look forward to spending time with your DCs and family. They clearly love you. You have nothing to gain by going back and everything to keep moving forward away from the past. Enjoy one day at a time

Hidingtonothing Wed 21-Sep-16 04:22:55

Please don't use, it would be an utter tragedy if you went back now having come so far and not just for you. Your wonderful mum has her daughter back, your kids have their mum in their lives, don't take that away from them. Without drugs you are surrounded by love, if you go back you will be surrounded by pain and fear and quite possibly abusers like your ex again and you're worth more than that. Stay strong, keep busy and occupied and drown out those old associations dragging you back, forget about them, they're not your life anymore. Keep posting here if it helps, I for one would love to know how you're doing and that you're beating this last ghost of your addiction, I believe you can do it flowers

6demandingchildren Wed 21-Sep-16 08:27:49

Confide in your mum it will bring you even closer and she we help you. She sounds amazing xx
I'm going through hell with my eldest son he has undiagnosed mental health problems and get got attacked on a night out and couldn't work. He has turned to drugs I'm not sure what he is taking as I only knew he smoked weed. But he attacked me 4 months ago and the police had to be called, I didn't press charges but I have not seen him since.
The situation you got in wasn't your fault and hopefully counselling will help you see that.
But keep going forward as that's the new adventure just don't turn back as you have been there and done it and worked to hard to get where you are now xxxxxx

soaringdoves Wed 21-Sep-16 11:08:37

What you have been through and managed to overcome has braught tears to my eyes.
Please stay strong for your own sake. The world is your oyster and when you look back in a few years you will be so proud of the new life you have created (are creating now).
Im really rooting for you and your children, this is an amazing new opportunity for you, grab it with both hands and never let go! Best of luck

loobyloo1234 Wed 21-Sep-16 12:19:08

OP - what you have done is amazing. You should be very proud of how far you've come flowers

You do not need to use. You have your whole life ahead of you now, no looking back

Have you thought of pressing charges against your ex? It may help to bring some closure to this chapter?

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho Wed 21-Sep-16 13:44:25

Wow. You have been through so much and you can beat this. In fact you are already beating it every day. Finding those needles and disposing of them was temptation right in your face, and you pushed it away, as well as helping the community by disposing of the needles.

This might sound a bit silly blush but I was thinking of quitting smoking in October (when everyone is doing "Stoptober") and you have inspired me. When I am craving a fag I will think of you, and know that if you can do this I can stop smoking a few fags.


ps. I know a bit about the "it's only BPD" thing. Very hard but try not to take it personally, there are problems in the mental health system with this that affect a lot of people. People who like yourself have been through a lot and actually need support, not being turned away. x

Champers4Pampers Wed 21-Sep-16 14:30:22

Wow, just read your post with tears in my eyes. You've been through so much & you are amazing. Please don't throw it all away to use again. Please stay strong. Xxx

Fighter5833 Wed 21-Sep-16 20:31:30

Hi I'm the op I forgot my log in details and couldn't get them back so made a new account up.

I did have a flat thanks to all your kind messages I went to the council and handed my keys in today . We kept the flat as my kids live at my mums part of the time I couldn't risk using so if I slipped I would have somewhere to go but I talked to my mum and we agreed that having the flat was just giving me a place to go to in order to use. So I gave it up today. Now I have no where to go which makes it harder as although I have lived on the streets during my time on drugs I found the experience very frightening and it makes me less likely to use knowing I have to go on the streets in order to use.

I have health problems I've been ignoring at first I thought it was withdrawal but now it's been so long I'm realising I've done permanent damage. I vomit three or four times a day and I have terrible dioreeha (sp) so bad that I regularly have accidents. I've been hiding from it as I'm afraid of having a colposcopy and I'm scared of being told I've damaged myself irreversibley. I have decided it's time to face it as I'm in a lot of pain every day.

As for using I don't want to as I can finally look in the mirror I was unable to face looking at myself as my cheeks were drawn in and I was pale and had dark circles round my eyes I looked like a skeleton with my skin pulled too tight I had to shave off my waist length hair as I tangled it up on the drugs so badly it turned into a dreadlock. I couldn't bear to see myself but now everyone tells me I look amazing my hair has grown I've gained weight and I have colour in my cheeks.

I'm on a lot more medicine now as I obviously damaged my brain with such severe drug use I am gaining weight fast but this time I don't care I've learned there are far worse things and that my mental health needs to come first.

I've looked in depth into what areas of my life made me turn to drugs, I've decided to change some areas of my life. I now make sure I have regular sleep as that is very important to bipolar. I take a lot of medications now to help keep me stable. I have cut contact with all my friends who use drugs but I've also realised that having dc so young and never going out having no friends or social life also contributed to my breakdown so I'm trying to make new friends this I am struggling with as most people seem to want to drink, I can't consume alcohol as my stomach problems mean I vomit it straight up. I been thinking about going to a mental health support group or someone mentioned NA which I would like to try in the hope I can build up some kind of social life.

Another decision I'm having difficulty with is my arms are horrifically scarred and people always stare and seem frightened by them. I am considering getting them covered with tattoos which would be nicer to look at and people wouldn't stare. However those scars are a part of me and in a way I'm proud of them as they show what I've been put through and survived so I can't really decide.

My kids are doing amazing my ds is now 10 and in his final year at primary school he is a lot calmer now and has a amazing caring loving personality he is doing well academically and although he struggles with his social skills he now has one friend.

My dd1 at age 4 just before I left was assessed by the education psychologist as having a two year developmental delay. Now at age 7 she is only a year behind developmentally, she can now speak and will hug and kiss me and even likes sneaking in my bed when she sleep over smile.

My youngest daughter was the hardest hit by my dissapearance she struggled and became very aggressive refused to eat for days and was underweight. Since I've stopped the drugs and she has regular inconsistent contact every weekday before and after school and I have her one night a week. Now she eats very well and is back on the 25th percentile and her aggression towards other children is a lot lower we have a quarter of the amount of aggressive incidents at school. she is thriving now and has even made a friend.

Im ready to go to court to request that I have all three Dc on a Monday night (as obviously for my school best interest this needs to be done slowly) but I'm afraid too. I'm petrified that I'll start having more contact and then I'll use drugs again and my dc will be messed around more than they already have been. But I can't really wait much more as all three do are very eager to spend more time with me and I get asked everyday when they can start living with me again. But I'm really frightened as I couldn't cope last time and ended up having a major mental breakdown and on drugs. I'm just petrified and my confidence has been severely shaken.

Finally I miss my dh so much we were together 10 years and all of my adult life we spent all our time together and we're best friends. I miss him so much. Dh has been incredible he never stopped me seeing my dc and in the beginning when I was very weak physically and mentally dh would accompany me so I could see my dc he has also done a absolutely amazing job in my absence of raising our school during what must of been a very difficult time.

It's amazing but thanks to all your kind replies I feel stronger and more able to continue this fight than I did before I posted, I won't be using this weekend I shall remain strong.

I'm also very sorry for those who also have drug or mental health struggles either themselves or in their loved ones.

I like it here and think this a amazing forum full of very kind women I hope to stick around and maybe I can use my experiences to help others.

I am literally crying at all the kind replies.

soaringdoves Wed 21-Sep-16 21:26:58

Whenever you get the urge to 'use' please post on here your feelings or whatever and im sure we can be there to support you and keep you strong.
Your children deserve a happy, healthy mum. Think how you would feel if one of your children went down the path you did due to a chaotic childhood ( not to sound patronising here but alot of people turn to drugs because of childhood issues). You want the best for them. Im sensing a lot of strength in your posts and i hope you stay on the right track. Do whatever is necessary to move forward with life and keep in close contact with the proffessionals helping you with regards to your mental health.
Sending love and positive vibes your way

6demandingchildren Wed 21-Sep-16 21:30:18

Someone is normally here day and through the night. And even if we have no advice we can always listen xx

Justaboy Wed 21-Sep-16 22:59:14

I been thinking about going to a mental health support group

Eh!?, with the strength your showing you can be that support group!

Your bloody amazing In my book with what you've coped with and come back from:-)

Hidingtonothing Thu 22-Sep-16 00:25:24

Fighter is absolutely the right username for you OP, you have more guts than most of us put together. That was a really brave and sensible decision giving up your flat, no going back, only forward towards the life you deserve. I beat addiction, nothing as damaging as amphet and I escaped more or less unscathed but the difference in my life is immeasurable, I'm not going back either. You're right, there is huge kindness and support on this forum and there's pretty much always someone around willing to pull you up from the depths when you need it, remember that if you're struggling again. I think a support group is a great idea, the more support you can put in place for yourself the stronger you will be but I also think you would get a lot out of supporting other people, you've come so far you would be an inspiration to others to do the same flowers

flapjackfairy Thu 22-Sep-16 07:45:08

. We have all done things in our lives we regret and we all have things we are ashamed of. You are absolutely wrong when you say you have done things that you cannot have forgiven .You can be forgiven and indeed it sounds like you already have been by those you love and who clearly love you. I am a christian and whilst i dont want to derail your thread with a bit of bible bashing the whole premise of that is forgiveness and hope. Try to forgive yourself and let it go. Take it one day at a time. You sound amazing. Good luck.

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