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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trying to find our soul-mate. It's dating thread 108

999 replies

PrizeyPrize · 20/09/2016 20:17

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize-they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Read Why Men Love Bitches (aka WMLB), and take from it what you will.
12. Don't serve up moose burgers on the first date (although this is still in debate right now)
13. Matthew Hussey also very useful. And very easy on the eye even if you don't find him any good.
14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP
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cattychatty · 20/09/2016 20:23
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ThisIsTheRightTime · 20/09/2016 20:26

Yay! A new thread Smile

I hesitated a tiny bit before sharing this with you all but I think it's worth writing down the positive experiences when we've all been through really unpleasant situations with extremely unpleasant men. Wink

This is not an OLD experience. One of my closest friends suggested a few weeks ago that one of her exes should help me out with the photography needed for a project of mine destined for a British magazine. Early August this man spent the day with me; far longer than the photos required and there was a strong chemistry between us but nothing happened. I went on holiday, he worked on my pictures, we exchanged emails but everything was above board.

Today he returned for a second session (lots of work involved). And there he admitted to me that he had found me attractive the first time he'd met me over a year ago (I couldn't recall that at all) and that he would really, really want to have a relationship with me but obviously his ex / my friend made things complicated. He hugged me (for a very long time), told me he felt so happy with me and I said to him that I couldn't do anything with him because my friend was very important to me. He agreed with me and proceeded to do four hours' work (free) with grace and kindness.

Maybe this all sounds mundane and boring to some of you but the thought which resounded in my head today was 'at LAST, here's a man who has the courage to be honest with me AND who respects my decision not to engage without becoming in the slightest grumpy.

I thanked him for his honesty and for the work he'd carried out.

I've despaired like Destiny and so many other lovely women here over the past few weeks. I've experienced the lack of courage and integrity of a good number of men towards me and wondered what on earth I was doing wrong. There are some good ones out there, ladies. I really hope you don't mind me sharing this with you. My desire is to help you all BELIEVE.

And here I am, again, alone. Wink But at least I've behaved decently and done the right thing.

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Destinysdaughter · 20/09/2016 20:39

Hi all, had written something on last thread but then realised it was over 1000 posts so couldn't post it. But here we all are again Thisis your post sounded so positive at first, what went wrong..?

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ThisIsTheRightTime · 20/09/2016 20:40

What do you mean what went wrong Destiny? Smile

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ThisIsTheRightTime · 20/09/2016 20:49

I'm not sure if this is an answer to your question Destiny but over the past few months I've met up with men with whom I've experienced attraction. I am a firm believer that if I feel attracted (aka sexual tension) to a man there's a likelihood that he's feeling something too. Unfortunately most of these men haven't had the courage to tell me how they feel and with time things have become more and more awkward between us. A bit of clarity works wonders in such cases.

Today's experience was refreshing for me; a man who openly admitted he was attracted to me and who, like me, refrained from following up in respect for his ex who is also my friend.

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PrizeyPrize · 20/09/2016 21:54

Oh man....so I thought I'd try my luck with men my own age or older (only dated younger so far). I've just been asked how my tea making skills are, and another one wanted a phone call after literally 2 'hello' messages. To quote: 'So where do we go now. I'm not the worlds best 'texter',.........do you chat on the phone so I can see if a date is on the cards??'.....give me strength....I'm going back to the younger ones. Hmm

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UpYerGansey · 20/09/2016 22:49

Hello!! May I join you all? My name is UpYer, and I'm putting a toe back into the choppy dating waters. Some background, coming out of a long sexless marriage. Have recently fallen for a Very Unsuitable who was emotionally unavailable and with whom I had a great connection- not over that at all 😬
Went on a date with an interesting guy last Saturday who's emigrating soon 🙄. Also he was v small. I weighed more than him too I'd say. Prior to that met v nice guy, employed, single, own place etc but he told me something about himself on the date that I know I couldn't get past, so that was that. Also he kept a shroud (for dead people) as a throw on his sofa.
Fun times.

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Dieu · 20/09/2016 22:54

Hello all! First time on a Mumsnet dating thread. Joined Match about a month ago, and hope to (one day) embark on my first relationship since my 18 year marriage broke down 4 years ago. It's a different world now since I met my ex husband 22 years ago! The online dating scene is completely new to me and has been a real eye opener. What I can say is that a lot of men have fewer inhibitions online, than they would in the traditional 'boy meets girl' setting. What I mean is, the chat can quickly turn quite sleazy, and I'm just not comfortable with this. Sadly, it seems to be the modern way. Wouldn't want to tar everyone with the same brush though, and will not stop hoping or believing that someone good will come out the woodwork! Would really like to hear all your top tips and advice. I think I'd like to meet a bit of a modern day gentleman. Basically, if they want to say something that would make their mother blush, then I probably don't need to hear it for at least the first couple of dates!

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Texfactor · 20/09/2016 23:12

Upyer I like ' I'm putting a toe back into the choppy dating waters.'
Me too. Haven't been on any actual dates yet. Had to call in sick for one. Just chatting on OK Cupid (starting to call it OK Stupid) - some pretty interesting messages & propositions on there.....

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UpYerGansey · 20/09/2016 23:19

I'm on POF only texfactor. I met the Very Unsuitable that's caused me much bother on an erm... "niche interest" board Blush but he was v gentlemanly
I haven't been back there though. Hi dieu. Don't know how useful I'll be but sure I'll try! I can't even tell if they're attracted to me. Am clueless. But all of the last 3 told me they were.

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Curlylox · 21/09/2016 10:58

This thank you for sharing, that made me smile. I do believe there are some good men out there despite the crap I have experienced so far.
Pricey thanks for the heads up on dating men much older than myself, which to be honest I wasn't keen to do, even though my friends said give it a go.
Tex Dieu and Upyer I agree with you all re OLD, definitely an eye opener can very easily turn sleazy. I was naïve to start with to the point where we would swap numbers then the chat turns to "hey sexy" and that would be followed by a cock shot/dick pic Shock. I have been on OK Cupid, Match, POF, Tinder and now Guardian Soulmate. Go with your gut instinct and air on the side of caution...but that's me.
Although I have got a date on Friday, he is very keen which makes me somewhat concerned. I will not pass any judgement until I have met him.

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Curlylox · 21/09/2016 11:01

Whoa myusername are you saying Mr Shy sent you a shameless topless selfie?!?!

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loobyloo1234 · 21/09/2016 11:04

Hey ladies ...

Destinysdaughter I just tread your update Angry What a twat. Can we rename Mr Posh to something else now? refrains from using a sweary word

So Tall Guy ... no reply to a text I sent yday morning (in reply to his) until late last night. I was out. Replied this morning ... he's definitely gone quiet. Now what? Block? Ignore? Double Text? Confused So bored of the games, honestly

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loobyloo1234 · 21/09/2016 11:06

Also, hello to the new people ... welcome to this rather depressing OLD dating thread where we keep meeting tossers Grin

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Dieu · 21/09/2016 11:21

Thanks Loobyloo. You're really selling it!! Wink Grin

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loobyloo1234 · 21/09/2016 11:39

Haha sorry Dieu - I think some people have found 'The One' who have been on this thread so we have to stick with it don't we ... Smile

I just saw your other post .... Hmm Welcome to the OLD thread

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Dieu · 21/09/2016 11:55

Thanks! It would be interesting for me to hear others' views on where flirting stops and sleaze begins. There's a bit of a thin line, as far as I can tell. What are you ladies comfortable with, and how far would it have to go (and how early on) before you were put off that person? I know it's a personal thing, and completely subjective, but I'd still be curious to know! Not sure if I'm prudish or not ...

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Slowlyslowly · 21/09/2016 12:13

Morning lovelies! (I've been trying to catch up all morning Grin)
Ooh thisis thank you for sharing. That is lovely Smile
I met MrSad at the weekend. He seems nice & sensible, but there really wasnt any spark. He'd used photos that weren't really much like him. So i had already given a sigh before i got out of the car. He also refrained from eating (at Sunday lunch) as his mum was cooking his dinner for him Hmm I also felt he'd find me too erratic Grin I just want to be me.
3 weeks now chatting to Mr Strong. He seems like a lot of fun; there's really something about him. Although the conversation always ends up in the gutter. Which would be fine if I could just see how he is in real life! I think he's getting bored with me deflecting his text advances. He seems to think I'm not interested in anything physical which is not the case at all, but I won't get carried away until I've seen him in RL. We've talked about this weekend but nothing concrete. Will have to see...
Fed up today. Thought I was looking for something fairly standard. Seems a lot of the men really don't have their shit together that much, considering their age. Keep wondering if I'm too shallow, but I don't think my expectations are wildly unrealistic. Also, I do wonder about a guy who can be so sexual before meeting. Maybe I'm over thinking it. I want to know he's really attracted to me, & wouldn't just take the first person who offered Blush
It is a v thin line Dieu. I think I'm as confused as you...

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Myusernameismyusername · 21/09/2016 12:34

Hi all

I still don't know what to do about Mr Shy

After the 2nd date he was chatty then suddenly went to ground completely.
Yesterday he was OTT with messages including one of him topless which in the last 6+ weeks of communication is a little out of character for him (IMO so far)
I am so confused and don't know whether to try to pick it back up or give up.

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Myusernameismyusername · 21/09/2016 12:35

They really DONT have their shit together and I have intimidated a far few with mine in my time too

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Topknob · 21/09/2016 12:38

Can I join the club??

Turns out the man I have been seeing for a while is a liar...so I have binned him and blocked his number.

I am currently using Tinder Grin
It's fun !

I met one man Friday night, he was ok, nice enough but that's all.
Currently have a few conversations going. Mr. Attractive is nice..not too far away, has a good job and has suggested meeting for lunch soon.

There is also Mr. Very Local, don't know too much about him yet.

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loobyloo1234 · 21/09/2016 13:14

Myusernameismyusername

Has he mentioned another date? Maybe he really is Mr Shy - and is just trying to put himself out there a bit more for you? Hmm

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Myusernameismyusername · 21/09/2016 13:18

Looby that's crossed my mind for sure.

I just think when he went to ground the way he did, with no kind of polite acknowledgment (hey, how are you?wow I've been so busy etc etc) type of response just set off all my jangling alarm bells. Now he's come back and is Greg different than how he was before. The balance has all upended and I don't know if I am totally overthinking it or ignoring my warning bells?

Good luck Top! What did the liar do?

Slowly - I think it's ok to deflect, you need to meet in RL!! Then you will feel better placed to allow the gutter chat to flow

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Myusernameismyusername · 21/09/2016 13:19

lol who is Greg? *very different it should read

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Slowlyslowly · 21/09/2016 13:23

Myuser have you read WMLB? just wondering if this was the bit where they go into their cave then depending on your response can be all ok again? I know there's been chat about the book recently but I can't keep up Grin think I'd plan for date 3... assuming the topless selfie didn't put you off Grin

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