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The best, non sleazy dating sites? Your experiences please ...(25 Posts)
Hello everyone! I'm a fairly established Mumsnetter, but it's my first time on 'Relationships', and I'd really appreciate your input here.
Backstory is that my 18 year old marriage came to an end 4 years ago. I am 42 and have 3 children. I have been feeling lonely, and decided that it was time to get out there and try to meet someone. So I joined Match.com about a month ago. It's my first experience of a dating site/relationship since my marriage.
I chatted with a guy on there for a couple of weeks; we had some great banter and a good laugh. I really enjoyed it. So when he suggested meeting up, I didn't hesitate, as by then had built up a good rapport with him.
We met and the date was brilliant. We texted lots thereafter, and I was really happy and positive about it. Then a day later his texts took a slightly sleazy turn, which culminated in him sending a photo of myself. I explained to him that this was too much for me too soon, that I had been out of the dating game for 20 years, and I wasn't used to this kind of stuff. He was apologetic and absolutely mortified; he couldn't get over having made an arse of himself, so we didn't see each other again. I was actually rather gutted, but vowed never again to email for weeks on end before meeting, as in hindsight I was way too over invested in the whole thing from the start
So I got chatting to another guy. He seemed straightforward, normal, decent, bookish, dependable. I didn't feel particularly attracted to him, but he seemed like just what I needed. The kind of guy who would always text when he said he would. We haven't met, but swapped numbers last night, as his membership was due to expire. We exchanged a few texts, and even they started taking a sleazy turn! He started talking about his tastes in women's underwear
I started messaging another guy today, who seemed very nice. Then he asked if I was curvy all over, or "just in the places that boys like". Heaven help me. He asked me about the free time I have. Apparently I have time to "be a good mum, and a naughty girlfriend".
Really, is this how it's going to be? I didn't think I was a prude until I joined. I can flirt and have a laugh. And I cannot wait to have sex in due course, as it has been so long! But this, really?? Is it the norm these days for the opposite sexes to chat in this way, so early on? And is there a dating site where I'm likely to meet someone a wee bit more gentlemanly?
Would really like to hear from those of you who have a bit more experience in the ways of internet dating. Are my expectations too high? I just don't know any more. I expected better of a paid site I think.
Sorry to hear about your experiences. Come over and join us on the dating thread- there are quite a few of us sharing our online dating experiences and it's very supportive. Sadly your experience seems to be very common. I'm using Guardian Soulmates, again thinking a paid for site would be better. However I've been sent dick pics before even meeting up with a guy, one guy who texted me every morning at 6.30 to tell me he was having a wank, and several guys who after a quick first coffee date started requesting naked shots and asking about my knickers/preferences in bed!
Hi Clawdeen! Please could you post a link to the dating thread, as I can't see it. Thanks so much for your reply
How do I post a link?! ( slightly embarrassing given I've been on mumsnet since 2006!)
It's called 'not feeling OLD... Dating thread 107'
Though I've just seen its reached 1000 posts so imagine thread 108 will pop up soon.
Lots of lovely women on the thread and loads of helpful advice
dieu we feel your pain, it's not the sites that are sleazy....it's the majority of the users! They are everywhere, I suggest the minute the chat takes that turn for the worse....stop it there, block if you need to. The politer ones are there, they are just bloody hard to find.
Upto 1k now on the dating thread. I'll start up a new one now. Come and join us.
Trying to find our soul-mate. It's dating thread 108
I don't think any site is going to be free of pervy sleazes - I think it's just a matter of perseverance and luck in trying to find one of the few non-sleazy men that use them. They do exist though!
Waterstones book club or anything similar.
It's safe because people go there to for anything but dating. On the plus side they all have something in common so if you find anyone interesting you can have the most natural of starter conversations.
"So did you like the book"?
I was on eharmony for six months and I hated almost every moment. Their matching algorithm is useless - I'd get matches described as excellent and the person would have almost nothing in common with me or an almost empty profile. I'd have people who were outside of my essential criteria (based on distance mainly, but also on things like smoking). I also really disliked the way they force you to jump through hoops before you can message someone - send icebreaker questions etc. It was all too much of a faff and clarified that I was quite happy to be single (probably says more about me than the site).
That being said, my oldest friend met her husband on there and they are blissfully happy.
Thanks for the replies so far everyone.
LNR, that's very interesting to know, as it was a toss up for me between Match and eharmony. In the end though, the decision was made for me, as you have to be divorced to join eharmony! I'm separated, divorce in progress, but this wasn't enough!
I quite like Match for the freedom it gives you, in that you can browse anyone's profile.
Clawdeen If i may ask, was this err malarkey there on the GSM site?.
I thought that one was, the shall we say decent one!
Seems not then?
Hi justaboy, yes it was GSM! My first foray into the world of On-line dating and several people had told me it was one of the better sites to find some one decent. Granted I only joined in July but even so, there have been a stream of fuckwits! I've just had a first message from a guy asking if I like Guiness and touchy feely! Some of the messages are so sleazy from the off that I do wonder why men would assume I'd then agree to meet up- I'd feel too apprehensive about being groped! However, over on the dating thread, a man posted to say he'd been messaged by over enthusiastic women asking for/sending naked pics, so it clearly appeals to some. It's been truly eye opening if not depressing!
I met my BF on muddy matches. It is geared towards us countryside oiks but can honestly say I didn't speak to any oddballs. Avoid POF!!!
Horsey, me too! Well, my BF, obviously, not yours. I hope! I came on this thread just to recommend it. It's not that well known or big, so I think that filters out the dick-pic types.
" a man posted to say he'd been messaged by over enthusiastic women asking for/sending naked pics,"
Eh!?, own up who did that, come on fess up!.
Bizarre, that's all i can say just really odd.
Perhaps we see people with very thin veneer of civilisation removed sometimes;(.
POF always gets slated on here but that's where I met DH. And I never got a dick pic either!
I was on GSM and was very disheartened by the number of men who specified a younger woman. I also joined Muddy Matches, messaged a few men, and was ignored. The final straw for MM was when I was messaged by a chap approaching fifty who still lived at home, and whose profile picture showed him holding his ferrets . That's not a euphemism.
OK Cupid I found quite sleazy, and I deleted my profile after being approached in quick succession by a polyamorous guy and a guy who'd taken a picture of himself in his underpants. Not sure what to do now; that was almost a year ago and in many ways it's nice not to be bothered with all the faff
embryonic mad cat lady
However, over on the dating thread, a man posted to say he'd been messaged by over enthusiastic women asking for/sending naked pics, so it clearly appeals to some. It's been truly eye opening if not depressing!
Sorry, I call bullshit women do not request pictures from men they don't know. Guys I know online dating have ever had that happen...ever!
"Guys I know online dating have ever had that happen"
Perhaps you've just met the good ones It does seem its a very sad situation this OLD stuff. You'd think it'd be an excellent way to match people up but seems not.
It also seems the dating pool compromises of prat's and chuck outs that other women didn't want, spoilt mothers boys, they do exist i know two of them and ones that send dick pics?, just what are they trying to do other than piss any female off totally;(
JeanPadget Lurve me lurve me ferrets;! LOL!.
Em, I meant no guys I know have ever had women ask them for pics of them naked, plenty of risque text requests from women that's usually after they are either dating or have spoke quite a bit.
Sorry, I don't agree at all there are no good men or women available dating online, I do agree online allows some guys to cross boundaries they would never cross in real life you could its also fact you'd find those same guys in bars/clubs or anywhere humans interact trying it on with women,they have always existed.
There are plenty of good men and women on dating sites you do have to glean through quite a lot of dross to find them.
I was on Dating Direct and was messaged at the end of 2011 by my now fiancé, I was on various sites for a long time before we met though.
I met my partner on POF, he's an absolute gem and I did chat to a fair few really decent guys before deleting my profile when I met him.
POF was good in my experience, just add some decent filters to weed out the dross.
"which culminated in him sending a photo of myself". - not sure I understand this, did he take a photo of you during the date and then send it to you, and this is what made you feel uncomfortable, seems odd, would creep me out too.
POF for me and DH, I did get dick pics and lots of weirdos - key advice is use the block button! Seriously if they do or say something you don't like block and move on.
I met my lovely bf on Match, but before him I got nothing but old farts or sleaze balls DEMANDING more pics.
Most couldn't hold a conversation at all. My bf was the only one who messaged like a human being.
It's tough going, I found it very draining. But there are wonderful men out there, I found one, so there is hope.
Just keep your standards up nice and high. Don't fall into sleazy chat, at all
In fairness that's something you only do with a partner, so no idea why these men feel they can do this.
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