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Husband has been on hookup sites

(29 Posts)
sdanon Tue 20-Sep-16 09:17:43

Sorry this is a long one!!
Ok so last year when my lg was 8wks old I found out my husband had been on hookup sites, I was being silly and googled his nickname and it came up with a link to a dating site and his photo....I was not expecting that at all! I was raging, I confronted him and he denied all knowledge & claimed it's a dodgy site that had stolen his details from FB or somewhere. I didn't buy it but he did seem genuinely confused - cue me waiting for him to go to work everyday and hacking his emails, I just didn't believe he was telling the truth, he's never done anything like this before has always been an amazing husband and brilliant dad so I didn't want to believe it but had to be sure so got all psycho and hacked into everything I could - bad I know but I've been in this situation before with someone else and you just know when someone is lying.

I found he had profiles on other websites, they were all about 2 years old so well before we had a child together but we were married, he happened to be away with work - he's military so is away a lot and I know it really is work but I gathered all my evidence ready to throw at him when he got home, he admitted he had made the profiles he thought it would be fun but claims he has never even messaged anyone let alone met anyone and that did look true as he had a load of messages from random women on these sites but they were all unread by him, he could have marked them so but as he was never thinking he'd be caught I don't think it would occur to him to leave them there as unread.

This was all about a year ago now & I have been feeling uneasy about it all ever since I found out but I wanted to believe him, I wanted it to work & not just throw our marriage away, it's so easy to do now days to just go for that option. Anyway he's been glued to his phone a lot recently he's never been that sort of person so I actually said 'have you got naked women on that phone' he just laughed, of course.

Anyway cue the psycho in me again, he is so good at deleting his internet history, I can't snoop through his phone as I don't know the passcode, but found a couple of porn sites on his iPad where it seems you interact with girls on live webcams and tell them what you want them to do etc.
I can cope with porn so many men do it but what I can't work out is when he has time to do this - he doesn't have time at work, we go to bed at the same time and have a one year old to deal with first thing in the mornings. I also don't trust that he's not on hook up sites again, I told him last week I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth but my mum has been visiting since and we've not had a chance to talk & he's just completely ignored my comment - if someone said that to me I'd want to address it & find out what that person was thinking or why they think that.
This morning he sent me a rudey photo and my first thought was 'was that meant for me?'

Am I just being a complete psycho?!
I don't know that he has physically cheated but going on hook up sites and porn etc. means he is unhappy within our relationship and I just don't know what to think - he says he's happy but he's clearly not. I don't want to be taken for a fool but I don't want to throw it all away either.

I don't live near anyone I can talk to and I feel embarrassed to talk to my friends on the phone about this, they all think he's amazing and I don't want to lower their opinions of him knowing I want our relationship to work so here I am, asking you lovely lot!

What would you do?

Thank you

hellsbellsmelons Tue 20-Sep-16 09:37:13

Why aren't you near your friends?
Why are you isolated like you are?
Is it due to your work?

I can tell what I would do but that won't necessarily be what you would do.
It depends on your boundaries really.
What do YOU want to do?
Do you have family or friends you could go to for a week or so to get your head straight?
Get some real life support. It's the best way.

WingsofNylon Tue 20-Sep-16 09:46:32

Being secretive with a phone is never good. If my dp make even a joke comment about me being that way with my phone I would reassure him and make sure to leave it around because caring couples to what they can to make each other feel good. To just ignore your comment is odd behaviour in its self.

sdanon Tue 20-Sep-16 09:50:17

The military life, we've literally just moved to a new area so not made any friends yet - not anyone I would want to discuss something like this with anyway.

What do I want? I want to be super mum, super wife and be all round amazing. grin

Yeah I could easily go home and stay with family for a week or so but I really don't know if that would help or hinder which is why I've not done it yet I guess.

I want the relationship back that we used to have and I'm trying but I don't think he is.

Thanks for your reply - I will definitely think about going away & trying to get some head space.

hotinhere Tue 20-Sep-16 09:51:36

I'm an army wife and understand what you say about friends. I have 1 friend where I am posted that I share any marital issues with and that's only if I have to. It's a difficult life in terms of feeling isolated and not having much real life support.

Him being away a lot has not

hotinhere Tue 20-Sep-16 09:53:08

Sorry - pressed post too soon!!!

His being away a lot is not an excuse if he tries to pull that one. My husband is away all the time and he hasn't done this.

You need an open and frank discussion. You can't go on constantly checking his phone etc, that's not healthy. It seems like there's no trust and if he wants to be with you he needs to earn that trust back.

sdanon Tue 20-Sep-16 09:59:15

I've tried being really frank and open and told him I don't trust him and asked him where he thinks that leaves us.

I don't want to be the bunny boiler psycho wife checking his emails, iPad etc all the time but I find myself doing it more and more and I just don't want to.

The thing is, he's a great guy he really is, he's brilliant with the baby and fab around the house, this is the only thing I have to complain about which then makes me feel silly because I know some women have husbands who are totally lazy, crap with the kids and who are all round horrible guys.

smilingeyes11 Tue 20-Sep-16 10:21:17

Why are you calling yourself a psycho? If you can't trust him there is really no hope. And tbh he sounds a million miles from a great guy. Porn and hook up sites - how bloody grim. Why on earth would you accept this from him - where is your self esteem?

sdanon Tue 20-Sep-16 10:42:39

Smiling eyes I gave him his ultimatum last year - I told him I'd not put up with it and if I found out he was doing it again I'd be off.

I had plenty of self esteem until I found out about all this last year and I'm struggling to get it back, it's completely knocked my confidence and as yet I have no proof he's doing it again so can't just up and leave on a whim - I feel that's unfair on the baby.

I do love him and I want to work it out.

How would you handle this with a one year involved and no proof?

Humblebee1 Tue 20-Sep-16 10:49:44

Sounds so like my situation, turned out mine told ow we were separated and did actually meet her. I found out everything for myself, he denied it all. So awful, my heart goes out to you.

smilingeyes11 Tue 20-Sep-16 11:01:35

why give an ultimatum if you are not going to follow it through though? You can't work anything out if he is doing this behind your back. You do have proof. And I would run for the hills quite frankly.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 20-Sep-16 11:04:04

I could've written your post.

Ex mil wife with a STBEXH who I found 8 times on these hookup sites. Firstly it was just to see real naked women for free (because you can't find that for free on the net, eh? hmm).

I was supposed to be flattered that it wasn't models or porn stars.

Then I found he'd paid an annual fee to join for messaging. (Promised he didn't)

Then I found a letter he'd written on word to a woman ready to paste into the message page. Explaining he would never leave his --fully financially supportin--g wife but wanted to explore. He promised before that he'd never contacted anyone.

Then he promised he never sent the letter.

Then he promised he never got a reply.

It was never ending.

We had counselling. He wasn't happy with the army knowing his business. Went apeshit.

We moved countries when he retired. Out of curiousity I checked the sites. There he was in our tiny little village as a contact looking for fun day time hookups as a stay at home dad.

Oh and the icing on the cake - blamed me for being frigid, but he could leave his Angel of a 5 year old (nice line).

The Angel he'd be arranging play dates for so he could go fuck in the daytime.

And yep thanks for telling a whole world of strangers about my kid, and a pack of bullshit about me.

Do you recognise yourself op? Permanently on edge, panicky, full of fear and disbelief. Questioning everything?

Is that a way to live?

sdanon Tue 20-Sep-16 11:23:37

Thanks ladies I appreciate all the responses.

Think I'm more confused now as to how I feel than I was before - sorry to hear some of you have also gone through this.

adora1 Tue 20-Sep-16 11:26:55

Honestly, he's not worth the stress OP, he's interacting with other women sexually and you think you are a psycho, dearie me, where are your boundaries, what he has been doing and is still doing is taking the absolute piss, he is behaving like a single man so let him go be one, I'd not allow any person to disrespect me to this extent, stick to your ultimatum then and get rid, he's no good.

Ineedmorelemonpledge Tue 20-Sep-16 12:19:38

And I would go and see your families officer if you are on patch.

They can sort out a nice room in a block for him while you get some headspace on what you want to do.

They will support for a certain time if you decide to leave and offer counselling.

hotinhere Tue 20-Sep-16 15:56:59

You here all the time, "he's a great guy, he's so good with the kids, he helps around the house" but that doesn't mean it's ok for him to do these things to you. There are plenty of other men who do all that AND are faithful to their wives.

I understand it's not cut and dry, you love him, you don't want to split. So you need to accept what's happened and move on if you want your marriage to work. You can't be constantly stressed, checking up on him, it's no way to live. Or you leave.

Cabrinha Tue 20-Sep-16 16:09:26

You've had good advice, I just couldn't not add... please stop calling yourself "psycho".

It's a shit way to live, the checking up... But you're not in anyway psycho for searching out the truth about a liar.

loopygoose Tue 20-Sep-16 16:16:16

I think you need to work out how you really feel about boundaries and which ones are uncrossable. Different people, men and women, view them differently. This is probably something you need to explore in yourself and then, possibly, with him. Eg. At what point do you believe you are you being betrayed? What's the difference between interacting with a live woman or watching a video? What if the woman is being paid? Your version of what is acceptable may well be different from his and that's where the discord arises. My husband secretly went on a course to photograph nude women. Before he told me he asked me not to flip. I asked him if he'd been touching any of them and he said 'no' and I wasn't remotely bothered. You need to be clear on how and why you see it the way you do in order to be able to explain it clearly to him. If he then sees it differently then you might be able to negotiate a middle ground but it's probably more likely that one of you will have either accept the other's limitations or agree that the relationship is unsustainable. Working this stuff out might be easier with counselling but I don't know how feasible that is in your location. Whether your relationship is long term sustainable what have you got to lose by exploring just where your beliefs and boundaries lie? If you have already been clear about them and he's taking an alternative course of action then you need to explain to him how that impacts on your trust and respect for him and ultimately leads to the end of the marriage.
Sadly falling in love is the easy part; it's how we work things out as we go along that really defines the relationship.
Good luck.

sdanon Tue 20-Sep-16 16:19:49

I hear what all of you are saying and if it was a friend of mine I'd probably be saying the same but it's not as easy as to just walk.

On the one hand I am thinking he's a total arsehole and it's simply not on, since finding out about the hook up sites last year I have no evidence he's been on those again so issued the ultimatum & not had to act upon it.

The porn sites do bother me as there is clearly something off if he feels the need to do that but as I said before my mum is staying at the moment so we've just not had the chance to discuss properly.

On the other hand part of me feels like I'm over reacting over a bit of porn.....

If I had hard evidence of hook up sites again I'd be long gone.

I do really appreciate all the replies though, you're not telling me anything I haven't mulled over a million times in my head already - sometimes I guess it helps to hear from other people instead of just thinking it myself.

SandyY2K Tue 20-Sep-16 16:30:53

You aren't a psycho and he's deleting the browser history for a reason.

I suggest you use condoms with him, as you don't know what he's up to.

smilingeyes11 Tue 20-Sep-16 16:47:37

Why are you not allowed to disagree with porn? I wouldn't tolerate that let alone anything else. You are allowed firm boundaries you know.

adora1 Tue 20-Sep-16 17:06:09

So you are not ok with hook up sites but it's ok for him to plaster his pic on profiles all over the place and interact sexually with other women, really?

You must know OP that he's a cheating scumbag and you deserve much better than this from a relationship, I hope you kick his ass out when you get the chance, it may not change his behaviour but at least it will show him you are not a doormat and he's not some king that you need to worship, total sleaze bag if you ask me.

sdanon Wed 21-Sep-16 09:41:56

Smiling eyes I don't know, I almost feel as though so many people do it now days it's silly for me to get annoyed / upset over it but you're right - if I'm not OK with it there's no point pretending that I am - thank you, you have helped me there.

sdanon Wed 21-Sep-16 09:45:04

Adora1 he's not uploaded any pics or anything like that to porn sites just uses the chat boxes - I think, but no I'm not Ok with it.

Still not had a chance to discuss anything with him but will do tomorrow when my mum has gone home and we have privacy again.

I'm reading other threads about abusive / controlling relationships and I feel these issues are trivial in comparison but I can't help the way it makes me feel.

adora1 Wed 21-Sep-16 10:03:30

Nothing trivial about not having trust, it's the basis of a relationship.

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