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Feeling very sad and guilty at daughter starting Uni

(6 Posts)
Marge15 Mon 19-Sep-16 10:10:15

My daughter has always been a really good girl, confident in herself and sensible. I made the mistake of getting a job in June to take my mind off things, so when I took the last week off before she left, it hit me like a tonne of bricks! Last week, I actually felt more 'grief' than when I lost my Mum a couple of years ago. My heart ached, literally. I cried on and off all week leading up until she left on Saturday 17th. Ironing her clothes to pack was tough!!! I never felt like this when my son left for uni years ago, I think it's because my daughter is quite petite and without makeup on, she looks about 14. It's hard for me to relate to her being an independent young woman. (My big problem was we had financial issues as my husband is self employed and that had dragged on for years since the crash of 2008. Plus we had become embroiled in a very, very expensive court case. The stress had a huge impact on our family. We felt we had let her down, even though we had done nothing wrong intentionally. My husband and I both ended up ill due to the stress. We felt so guilty because her childhood wasn't as happy as it should have been. And you can't bring those years back.)
When we said goodbye and I said 'I love you', she just hugged me, I so wanted to hear her say 'I love you' back but she was probably putting on a brave face for me. As she walked away her dad and I got in the car to leave, a van drove past blocking our view and then she had gone. There was no final wave, nothing. I'm not sure if she even looked back.......driving home seemed like a surreal nightmare. BUT, after ringing her and having a 2 minute conversation yesterday I felt so much better. smile I don't think you can expect much for the first couple of weeks, just the odd line here and there. As much as we want to hear everything about their new adventure. Thankfully she is only two hours away and her dad is insisting we visit every month, if only to go and have a pizza for an hour, just to catch up.

Chimpfield Mon 19-Sep-16 11:03:10

Hand hold here - you echo my feelings exactly - dropped my son off on Saturday like you two hours away. I feel numb - child free for the first time in 22 years and the house is so empty. My son has in the past cared for me and his sister who has epilepsy and autism - I know this is his time to put himself first but god I miss him. He's fine, seems to be settling in just fine for which I am very grateful. I am letting him lead the text and telephone conversations...... crikey being a mum does'nt get any easier does it!

mogratpineapple Mon 19-Sep-16 11:42:07

Ah, mine's going on Saturday! I'm excited for her but I know everything will change once she's gone. She's my rock - so sensible and wise or all her young years.

Dad won't be here to see her off and I will drive her to Aberystwyth - a four hour drive. But we'll be seeing her the next week for dad's birthday.

We will text and skype often. As for me, I'm looking for some new hobbies...

HuskyLover1 Mon 19-Sep-16 11:48:51

Oh, I feel your pain! But let me reassure you, that this is entirely normal. I posted a thread on here a few weeks ago, just after my daughter started Uni. For the first few days, she wouldn't speak on the phone to me and when I did grab 5 mins, she was quite cold (think along the lines of "what do you want?"). It was very hard, as we are very close. I actually took a step back, and funnily enough, she now messages me quite a lot. My DD (like yours) could pass for about 14!

I would suggest only texting and FB messaging, and don't sound as though you are checking up on her, make it about other stuff. It also gives me peace of mind if I can see she's been active on FB, even if not with me, at least I know she's ok!

On the plus side, you will have more free time now, less washing, less cooking, less cleaning, the house will stay tidy, the weekly shop will be cheaper. Try to concentrate on the positives.

And don't forget, she'll be home for Christmas. And, then she'll only be at Uni from January until May, so at the end of May she'll be home for 4 months! By that time, you'll be used to the peace and quiet and it may come as a shock!

LellyMcKelly Mon 19-Sep-16 16:14:30

I'm a lecturer and our new first year students started today. It was wonderful to see all their nervous, excited, faces. It's hard for parents to let them go, but they're going on to do great things, and as sad at it is for you, be happy and proud that you did such a good job with her that she's got the grades to get into uni.

AlmaCogansFrockFan Mon 19-Sep-16 18:24:50

Please don't beat yourself up about this, as a previous poster said it's normal to feel sad, especially when your second dc leaves. My dc's are now in their 30's and as I didn't feel particularly sad at DS going (DD still at school) it came as a shock that a few weeks after leaving DD at uni I felt physically unwell with knotted stomach, and I realised it was empty nest syndrome as it made such a difference with both away. Having a job will also be good for you at this time - having been a SAHM I was glad that I had started a part-time job the year before DS started uni.

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