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Need some space to write things down and get a little perspective

(29 Posts)
slightlyinsane Mon 19-Sep-16 08:55:51

Marriage has been a struggle for a long time with a lot of head burying. I've got to the point I couldn't take it and his behaviour anymore.
I told him how I was feeling, the fact I feel taken for granted, expected to do everything, him thinking he could say and do what he wanted and there be no repercussions.
I'm a sahm he works ft, I don't expect a huge amount just some support and assistance when he's around, simple things like moving his own pots, picking up his crap from the middle of the living room, when he can't find something (because he's forgotten where he's put it, not that it's been moved) that it's not ok to throw things around dump the ironing all over the kitchen floor sofa cushions all over the living room and walk away for me to pick up. The list is pretty long.
I told him calmly all of this and received some really shitty responses, name calling (lazy bitch was a particular highlight) told to fuck off and find somewhere else to live, he was sick of bank rolling me and he expected my half of the bills by the end of the week.
We finally sat to have a chat where he listened to me, was rather patronising in the process. He claimed he wasn't sure how he felt and needed time.
Fast forward 4 very long miserable weeks and I try and talk to him again. He just won't talk, I'll ask him a question he doesn't answer but turns it back on me, won't explain anything.
He asked me what I wanted, I explained that I'd been telling him for a long time what I want. That was the wrong answer, what I wanted wasn't the answer to the question and didn't constitute a good relationship. Told me to go away and write down what a relationship and tick off what we have (bit like talking to 5 bloody 5 year old).
I'm afraid I got really bloody angry shouted a little and stomped off for a walk (that moment when you step outside and realise it's bloody freezing and you didn't pick up a coat)
I don't know what a reasonable amount of time to think is?? I'm torn between thinking he's pushing and pushing until I end the marriage so he's not the bad person, or that he's going to continue saying he needs time thinking he can do that I'll give in and nothing will have to change, that way he doesn't have to admit he's been an unreasonable shit towards me.
Fml right now

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:04:14

Marriage is a partnership and you have collectively agreed your roles, he is a dick for bringing up money.

I agree with you in as much as you are not everyone's dogs body and although you should take on the housework, childcare etc., doesn't mean that people deliberately make a mess or leave rubbish around, this is where respect comes into it.

But I do have to ask how organised are you?

slightlyinsane Mon 19-Sep-16 09:06:59

What has my organisation got to do with it??
I'm as organised as 5 kids let me be.

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:24:02

Because I was wondering if his dumping was to do with frustration.

slightlyinsane Mon 19-Sep-16 09:28:44

He does it because he can, he does it when he claims he's left something just there and some fucker has moved it. Said items can usually be found in his coat pocket where he left it when he got in (usually dumped somewhere around the house instead of hanging it up, his phone is typically in the bathroom or next to his bed. He does it with stuff that he uses every day, his responsibility to look after them not mine for not being psychic

Joysmum Mon 19-Sep-16 09:32:55

He thinks he's bought you as your contribution to the marriage is unpaid.

Quite right for you to call him on that sense of entitlement and inequality

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:36:51

So it's just to piss you off. I wasn't criticising you, just trying to see the bigger picture.

You sound like you have had enough and have done the talking etc., perhaps you shouldn't be waiting to find out what he wants but deciding what you want and make plans accordingly.

theansweris42 Mon 19-Sep-16 09:51:20

dobby the dumping stuff all over isn't OPs fault, I agree with her question of what's her organisation got to do with it? confused

clumsyduck Mon 19-Sep-16 09:56:24

I think regardless of organisation etc the issue is he calls you a lazy bitch and has a go at you for not financially contributing - while you stay home to raise his 5 kids !!! Horrible !!!!

Perhaps he would like to try stay home and do all the housework and childcare while you go out to work then he can see how easy it is and how fkin disrespectful he is being when he essentially trashes the place and let's you clean up after him angry

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 10:05:56

theansweris42 - have already answered that...... But to repeat was only to obtain some background.

slightlyinsane Mon 19-Sep-16 11:58:58

He has absolutely no idea what it takes to run a house of 5 kids plus him.
The money comments have really hurt, I never ask him for anything, I'm wearing a 10 year old pair of trousers that don't fit, I can't remember the last time I had my hair cut. He's such an arse!

DoreenLethal Mon 19-Sep-16 12:05:44

he was sick of bank rolling me and he expected my half of the bills by the end of the week

Have you thought of invoicing for the housework, childcare, ferrying kids around ad infinitum for the last x years?

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 12:16:02

I hate how a sahm's work is down valued, especially when it's used in spite.

Rather than an invoice I would be inclined to say fine I will find paid work, I can earn X amount and child care will cost X amount, plus more for school holidays. The housework, laundry, shopping etc will be split 50/50 as will all things the children need help with. See if he then agrees you should stay at home and at that point he agrees to never mention being the bread winner again.

Having said that, you do sound very low and like you have had enough anyway. Do you want to try and work it out (again)?

Btw he only says about the bills because he has nothing else to use.

Just out of interest how old are the children?

clumsyduck Mon 19-Sep-16 12:16:54

sad aww op id be demanding money for new clothes !! Do you have access to joint finances ?

Do these type of men with these attitudes think staying at home is easy ? I work part time and my days at home can be busier than when I'm at work and certainly more stressful on occasions !! Doesn't he see how you also contribute Massivley to the home , he may bring in the money but I bet everything else is down to you honestly I'm sure your right he wouldn't have a clue what to do if he was the one running the house !!

I'd take him up on his offer and get back into work have a sit down later and make up a plan for him having to do 50% of the school runs and school holiday cover since if you are both working and contributing equally to the finances the childcare should also be shared equally . Oh and also all the housework to .
I'd be interested to see his thoughts on that!

HuskyLover1 Mon 19-Sep-16 12:23:20

he was sick of bank rolling me and he expected my half of the bills by the end of the week

That's appalling. You have had no choice but to stop working, as I suspect you'd find it hard to get a job that pays enough to make it worthwhile, after you've paid for Nursery fees/after school clubs etc.

In your shoes, I think I'd work out what I would earn monthly, if I worked. Then calculate what childcare would cost. Let's say you'd come out with £500 per month after that, tell him you're happy to work, you'll be able to contribute £500 to bills, but then present him with a rota, to show how ALL the housework will be split 50/50. So, let's say on Monday's after work, he can cook dinner, Tuesday's he can do laundry, Wednesdays he can do ironing (etc). See how keen he is then, for you to go to work. Of course this plan could backfire, if you don't actually want to work, which tbh, I wouldn't in your shoes. I only raised 2 kids, I can't imagine how you cope with 5. You most likely deserve a medal.

I do hope you have full access to the bank account, and can withdraw whatever you need.

HuskyLover1 Mon 19-Sep-16 12:24:30

Cross post with lamdobby

Shakey15000 Mon 19-Sep-16 12:27:18

Arse. Yup, I'd also be telling him I'll be looking for FT work. And present him with a list of what expenditure would be. Alongside, draw up a MASSIVE list of shared duties. Like " so, I'll do the nursery run Mon, Wed, Fri, you do Tues, Thu, then we'll swap the next week. Take it in turns to do the food shop weekly. Now, weekends, would you rather do ALL the laundry or ALL the cleaning?" Etc etc

Shakey15000 Mon 19-Sep-16 12:28:06

Massive x post with everyone smile

clumsyduck Mon 19-Sep-16 12:31:51

Haha me to !
it does seem like a good plan though

slightlyinsane Mon 19-Sep-16 13:15:09

I'd love to get a job and make him realise the reality, unfortunately it's just not possible. Location, lack of transport and his shifts make for difficult job hunting.
The kids are 12, 9, 7 and 2.

SlowJinn Mon 19-Sep-16 13:22:10

Fuck him. He's an arsehole. Do what everyone else has suggested - an invoice for all your duties.

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 13:27:25

Ok but what if you discussed with him the possibility as he has such an issue with you not bringing in an income, it was more to get him to realise exactly what is involved so as to shut him up when he asks you for bill money. Or just say to him 'how exactly am I meant to work when X y & z need to be taken into account'

Have you or would you consider couples counselling? Assuming you would rather stay married.

slightlyinsane Mon 19-Sep-16 15:31:42

I have no idea if I want to stay with him. Couples counselling would be a start, however I don't think he would ever be at a point where he would be willing to even consider he is anything but perfect.
It's all bloody crap

SlowJinn Mon 19-Sep-16 15:39:20

Slightly my love, you know what you have to do.

Deep breath.

Now pack your bag and go.

I have a spare room if you need it.

Iamdobby63 Mon 19-Sep-16 16:30:50

Well you can't continue as you are, so suggest counselling if that fails then tell him you want a trial separation, which means he moves out.

You deserve to be happy.

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