Feeling lost, vulnerable and need advice ( gentle)

[user1474231486]

So my story... I found out my husband was texting a girl his office. We have a 2 year old. looked at his phone while he was there and I can't remember the context as strange as that sounds. Anyway I saw he had installed whatsapp which he hadn't gotten before so I asked him and he grabbed the phone from me, deleted his one conversation history with this girl then gave phone to me. He was really defensive, angry and when I looked at the data history he had installed it three days prior and exchanged about 400 each. Big row, with him leaving, me begging him not to ( such a sap) and him going away anyway. As he left and that whole next day he was still showing up as "online" on the app. He denied there was anything.
he came back and he said he wouldn't message her anymore, that he was all in etc even though said nothing going on knew it wasn't right etc. He never acted sorry though if that made sense?
Anyway he kept leaving his phone out then and made a big show that it was always lying around.
In the interim I found out I was pregnant.
Then a few weeks later- he had another phone in his pocket. I asked him wtf and big row again cue him opening the phone and deleting what I saw to be her message thread. I threw him out then like a fool rang him to come back. He denied denied denied then after hours said he had taken a spare phone from work ( he has easy access to them) and gave a plausible enough reason. I believed him. Suppose I wanted to.
We had a blazing row again one night where he just said some awful things and I told him to leave. My sis came around and called him and told him to come back which he did and he just said some awful things about how not happy etc and anyway I went up to bed and about 3 in morning came down to find him sleeping on couch with yep- another phone. This time I got to see a few of the messages and I look pictures. The messages seemed to be her begging him to answer and the earlier one saying "I don't care about any of that I want you simple as"
He had a bit to drink but again denied everything and said he didn't know what she was on about in the message. He admits that it was wrong but that nothing happened.
Things have been up and down since. I thought I saw another phone one night but I can't be sure. I'm finding it hard to trust and I don't know where to turn or what to do.
He's been up and down personality wise and I don't know if I'm trying to fight for something and someone that is now gone. The sad truth isthat I love him so much and for our family I want to believe and forgive him, I just don't know how.
I feel like these past few months have been this fog filled haze. I just want my old husband and life back and I don't know.
I've contacted counselling service but funds are an issue so it's not something we can do at this minute.
I feel very vulnerable and just I guess sad and upset. I'm finding it difficult to have the strength to get on with life and I suppose I'm waiting for the next big bombshell.
I don't want to separate, as pathetic as that sounds. I don't like him very much at the moment but I do love him, and I loved what we had.
Jesus my heart is breaking. 😢

[HerFaceIsAMapOfTheWorld]

You will forgive him and he will do it again simply because he can and he knows you will accept it.
Do you want this to be your life?

[MiddleClassProblem]

You need to talk calmly to him at a separate time from finding a phone/reading a message. Talk about what has happened the last few months, about how you feel and how he feels. Maybe get your sister to babysit and do it at a lunch or dinner just the two of you so it's less likely to get into a big row.

The kicking him out, asking him back thing needs to stop. Next time you do it you stick to your guns and don't contact him for at least a week but respond if he contacts you civilly. You know he's at least having an emotional affair but your feelings are stopping you being strong enough to leave him at the mo that's why I suggest the above.

[user1474231486]

He is quite confrontational when I try and talk about it and I just get stonewalled with him saying for me to stop bringing it up and just not being nice.
I half would just love to put my headin the sand as I don't know it's feasible that I keep living like this. His moods have changed so much, he just appears to get so angry now. I genuinely feel like he doesn't like me anymore. He told me that he felt trapped with the babies and even though he apologised for that; I think now that he does.

I'm sorry I'm not making much sense. I suppose some part of me knows that he is still doing it or wants to and will do it again, but I think I'm living in denial. Worried about the uncertainty of being alone and raising two babies and trying to get along for their sake. It feels so unfair- why do they have to come from a broken home just because he can't be bothering honouring the vows he said.