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Think my marriage is over, because of a job

(14 Posts)
DDManchildMeandTheCat Sun 18-Sep-16 21:42:59

DH and I have been married just over a year, we have a DD of 18 months together (she was 6 months old when we got married).

Work wise DH should be the breadwinner as he works more hours than me on average, he usually does 30hours a week but his work have a habit of cutting his hours back to his contract hours when they go over their "wage budget" so he can sometimes work as little as 5.5 hours a week (he's contracted for 5.5 hours a week the rest is overtime) which means he can earn anything between £40 and £216 a week. He doesn't have any travel costs as he works a 10minute walk from our home.

I work 25 hours a week, earning £250pw. I do 3 long days in order to keep nursery costs for DD down. I also have a choice of a 45 minute drive or a 20 minute train with 20 minute walk to work and the same back. I generally take the car as I have to pick DD up. Travel costs £30pw, which I use my PIP for.

I cannot do more hours than i'm doing. I'm disabled; dyspraxic, have peripheral vision problems in one eye, asthmatic, suffer with depression and have severe allergies. This is all limits the type of work I do.

The doctor has told me I cannot work more hours than I'm doing, as I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed at the end of my working week. I pick up extra shifts occasionally (when DHs work cut hours for 3 weeks or longer) and I generally end up really poorly with the flu/chest infections and sore feet, so know I couldn't do it for longer than a few weeks at a time. I could of done before DD, but with her as well I'm just physically unable.

I've asked DH if he'll look for another job. He says no. I really want to buy a house rather than live in rented, as we'd have more choice. But he likes the flat we live in, despite the fact that the "second" bedroom is barely big enough for DDs cot, let alone a bed, and the only outside space is a shared balcony with my neighbours, who're chain smokers and smoke on there, cigarette smoke is the biggest trigger of my asthma and I also don't want DD breathing in secondhand smoke. We also live on the 4th floor of a block of flats, I cannot continue to manage the stairs and the lift is 20p a ride apparently it's for maintence, I have to use it at least twice everyday - on work and nursery days, and also other days when I leave the flat to see family/friends. Plus if DH wants to use it twice that's 80p a day just on using the lift.

When I ask why he won't he says that he wants a work life balance despite having no hobbies and spending any free time playing video games, he gets annoyed if DD wants to play with him when he's busy. He never picks her up from Nursery even when he does no hours. Other reasons include; not wanting to lose our tax credits (which go up and down regularly anyway depending on how much he's working), not being qualified (he's worked in his job 2 years, plus done voluntary work in a different sector I'm sure experience counts of qualifications), and there not being any jobs nearby. He says the train is too expensive and he won't learn to drive.

I've offered to move closer to the city I work in which would make travel cheaper for me, but he already thinks we live too far away from his parents who're a 15 minute bus/train ride away (can do it in the car in 5-10mins on a good day). His parents live in a village with no job opportunities so I won't move there as it'd make my commute and day longer, and make DDs nursery day longer than it already is (3 days of 7.30am-5.45pm).

I'm at the end of my tether, and can't live in this flat anymore. We won't get a mortgage currently as DH needs to be earning a consistent amount over a year before they'll consider us. I've shown him jobs he could easily do, but he won't apply.

I'm stuck. He's like this with other aspects of his life too. He has depression and has seen a doctor but the counselling service never got back to him and he never chased it up.

I can't be with a man who won't help his family have a better life. I want a garden, and a proper bedroom for DD, that's not too much to ask is it?

YouAreMyRain Sun 18-Sep-16 21:48:41

You have to pay to use a lift??!?

(Your DH is being unreasonable)

chocoLit Sun 18-Sep-16 21:49:17

It wouldn't be over because of the job it would be over because he's a lazy selfish arse angry

Spell it out plainly & see what he does but tbh you would like you do everything anyway so what's the benefit of him being hheee??? flowers

Euphemia Sun 18-Sep-16 21:49:21

Your marriage is not over because of a job. It's over because your DH is unwell and won't do anything about it.

Have you made him aware that you're considering ending it?

MephistoMarley Sun 18-Sep-16 21:49:53

You're married to a lazyass man child I'm afraid.

ijustwannadance Sun 18-Sep-16 21:51:25

And you married him because?

He won't help himself or his family.

Financially in your situation you would probably be better off on your own.

SandyY2K Sun 18-Sep-16 21:57:25

Your DH isn't really providing for his family is he. I mean on 5 5 hours what can that do for your DD. If you became ill and unable to work, you can't rely on him financially.

I generally advocate for a woman being financially able, but I also advocate for being with a man who can carry the can if needs must. He can't really do that.

He needs a job with guaranteed income.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 18-Sep-16 22:00:12

Sell his games console for a start. Remind him he is a parent not a teenager. It is damaging to both yours and your dd's health living there. Tell him you are moving with or without him and get on to the council. Ask your Dr and health visitor to write you a letter outlining your health issues. Contact your MP for help too with rehousing.

AyeAmarok Sun 18-Sep-16 22:03:20

Your DH cares more about himself than you and his daughter.

You'd probably be better off without him, it doesn't sound like he contributes anything positive to your life.

notapizzaeater Sun 18-Sep-16 22:04:30

You've got a fully grown adult child.

Do you love him ? What do you want ? Can you see yourself in 5 years with him ?

trufflehunterthebadger Sun 18-Sep-16 22:23:58

Blimey, i'm all for keeping your marriage vows but really ! What exactly is he bringing to the party working a maximum of 30 hrs a week so he can play video games ? He'd have a rocket up his arse if he was my husband - in the shape of the playstation.
You either need to get down to business bucking his ideas up or move on. He'll only ever hold you back with that attitude.

WillWorkForShoes Sun 18-Sep-16 22:25:30

Do you think he likes the fact he only works a few hours some weeks? Then he has more time to play his video games. He probably doesn't want to give up the lush life.

He's being selfish. But he needs to get his depression sorted. It's such a contributing factor to everything else.

Italiangreyhound Sun 18-Sep-16 22:32:46

I really think your dh needs to see a doctor.

It sounds a bit like you are falling out of love with him because of his attitude. I think that is totally understandable, I would fall out of love with a man who didn't want to play with his kid or further his life and just wanted to play video games.

Please priorities you and your dd. I would give dh a chance to get this sorted and then I would start to think of my own future and how I want it to be...... thanks

AnotherPrickInTheWall Sun 18-Sep-16 22:37:51

Give him an ultimatum. Either the games console goes or you do.

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