Concerned friends partner is a conman

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest as I can't stop mulling it over in my head. So, for some time I have had suspicions my friends partner isn't who he claims to be. She met him on POF around 18 months ago. My first 'spidey sense' was set off before I had even met him as she told me he had no family (parents died in tragic circumstances, no aunties/uncles/siblings etc), few friends and a long term health condition (I don't want to give specific outing details, but what he has said regarding the health condition didn't add up). I instantly felt something wasn't right. She told me he works in finance, and was proud of this, which it later emerged as actually working in a call centre for a bank.

Anyway they were long distance for a while, he would come and visit her every weekend. Then he got a new successful job (earning about four times his previous wages apparently ) in her home town (other end of the country to him), so he 'temporarily' moved in with her until he could find his own place. Cue over six months later, and he still has not been paid from this new job (he has come out with some ridiculous reasons for this), and she is funding his entire lifestyle. He pays her no bills or rent. She leaves work before him and arrives back later so I am highly suspicious that there was never a new job at all and he just wanted to move closer to her. He is very intense and has already proposed to her and she has accepted. With her funding the entire wedding and planning to purchase a house together to start a family. I have tentatively voiced a few concerns regarding his pay but she is only angry at his work not at him. I also rarely see her without him around. She has a career, inheritance and investments and I am very concerned about her. She is a very unassuming person and just feels a lot of sympathy for him regarding his job situation, money, health, family etc and is not a confrontation, suspicious person at all which is making her a prime target for this conman.

I have tried digging for information about him e.g. googling his name but I find nothing. His Facebook name doesn't reveal much about himself and his friends etc are all kept private. (if he actually has any)..in person he deflects any questions and puts the focus back on you and changes the subject. He is convincing and very charming.l and flattering- lots of compliments etc.

I'm not sure why exactly I'm writing this. I am just very worried about her, and it has literally kept me up at night thinking it over. I keep worrying about who the real person behind the mask is. Whether he has criminal convictions. Whether he has another family. Whether he could be dangerous if the truth emerges. Maybe any advice? Has anybody experienced anything but similar? How can I suggest to her something isn't right without offending or upsetting her?

Thanks for reading 😊

[LumpyMcBentface]

I think you need to be blunt with her.

She may already have her suspicions.

[Pinktartan]

I thought she might too Lumpy but from my gentle probing it really doesn't appear she is. I asked whether the wedding would definitely go ahead, despite his job situation as I would need to book time off work and she was adamant it would. She is also adamant that he will eventually be paid from his job, even suggesting lawyer action!

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

Watching with interest because I have a fof in similar situation and my friend is extremely concerned about her friend.

[AnyFucker]

I would say it sounds highly likely you are correct in your suspicions

He is currently cocklodging off her and she is wholly funding her own wedding ? Deary me, has she taken leave of her senses ?

I don't think you have any choice but to lay it on the line even if you risk your friendship. You would never forgive yourself if this all goes the way it is looking and you had not clearly stated your concerns

Good luck x

[RaeSkywalker]

Surely if they're buying a house together, he will need payslips etc? He will get caught out eventually.

I'm not sure what I'd do. Probably bring up the job to him in a concerned way, ask him about the delay etc. I'd also probably be nosey enough to google the company- if he has a senior position there, he might be named on their website (if the job is genuine). Encourage your friend to be sensible and not put her assets in both their names- look into deeds of trust if the house purchase in imminent. Ask him about his life as well- who will be his best man, etc.

[RaeSkywalker]

^ I've just realised that I come across like Miss flipping Marple in my post 🙄

[AnyFucker]

Nothing wrong with that. This is someone's whole life at possible risk.

[TheInimitableMrsFanshawe]

Nobody, nobody stays in a job six months without being paid. Unless they are a totally gullible idiot. So he's either a cocklodging conman or the most naive fool alive. Neither is particularly attractive in a mate.

[Pinktartan]

I definitely need to somehow sit her down and explain but she is in love with him. He is also very convincing and anything I said I'm sure he would find an explanation for as I haven't got any solid evidence. I am also worried that he could turn nasty- with me in the form of complaints to work etc, or with my friend in terms of violence. He has said things before like how he will destroy people if they get on the wrong side of him. Although he hasn't shown physical violence he has said some strange things suggesting he is capable. There is also just 'something' that puts my nerves on edge.

Oh another thing he cannot spell at all, or add up simple sums eg divide a bill despite claiming he is some financial whizz maybe my imagination is running away with me but I am thinking of all sorts of scenarios e.g. was he in a youth prison. Seems odd not to have any friends or family.

[BeenThereDoneThatForgotten]

How can she possibly believe that he hasn't been paid for 6 months? I would be very blunt about that.

[Pinktartan]

He doesn't have a best man. And as far as In aware no paperwork but she has stress in her own job and isn't as direct as many of us would be. She is quite a timid sort

[CMOTDibbler]

I think you are right to be concerned. A friend was involved with someone like this, and he took all her money, plus money she didn't have - fortunatly the police finally tracked him down from other people he'd conned but it was messy and very upsetting

[Polyethyl]

You must see her own. Tell her straight that she's engaged to a cocklodger. Accept that you will be on the receiving end of her misplaced rage and upset and be the scapegoat her self-respect will need. Then tell her you love her and step back.

I did this for a friend. He decided to go ahead with the relationship with the awful girl. But he knows I'm there when he needs me. Once we had that honest conversation we have never discussed it again. I was lucky he didn't cut me off. When he's ready he will leave her, but he isn't ready yet.

[Pinktartan]

As I say he has excuse after excuse for not been paid, all ridiculous to me but she is lapping up the excuses. (Bank account mix ups etc)

[AnyFucker]

She is being very stupid.

[FinnMcCool]

I think maybe you need to sit down with her and show her an actual written list of all the strange things about him.
Maybe if she sees them all together she won't be able to minimise and may take what you are saying on board.

[RaeSkywalker]

Yes, but any decent employer would have resolved this by now. Who can survive financially for 6 months with no income? Any company would be worried and and would be treating this as priority to get resolved.

Just for perspective, when I stared my current job, my salary didn't fm go into my account. I raised it immediately, it was discovered that HR had entered by bank account details into the system with 1 digit wrong. Our finance director personally apologised, asked me if I had any direct debits that I'd default on so that she could look into compensating me, and arranged for an emergency payment for the full amount I was owed to be in my account within the hour.

Maybe he's been sacked? I think it's far more likely that the job never existed though.

[Marmighty]

Can you do more to investigate whether he actually has a job? Get him to name the company then call them. I think you need to risk your friendship to help your friend.

[AyeAmarok]

Oh God. It must be like watching a slow motion car crash for you

I think all you can do is try and get her alone and lay it all out. Say that you have to tell her what's on your mind because you're worried about her and you'd never forgive yourself if you didn't say it. Ask her if there is any doubt whatsoever in mind about this story, and suggest that she maybe puts some measures in place to protect herself.

If she flips, she flips. Just say you will be there for her if she changes her mind.

I think that's all you can do. Horrible situation though.

[Pinktartan]

I think she is just so happy to have her dream wedding and a loving partner (he is very lovey dovey) that she is overlooking the basics. I'm worried he is going to gain access to her money once married, fleece her and leave.

[AcrossthePond55]

Rest assured that he's already probably started in dripping poison in her ears about you and any other friends/relatives he perceives to be a threat, so your friendship with her is probably doomed already. Isolating their 'meal ticket' is one of the first things a cocklodger does. Isolate their victim so they feel they have no one else in their lives but the 'lodger.

You owe it to her to be brutally frank. She won't listen, of course, but you still need it to be said out loud, without mincing words. She may very well cut you out of her life, but you will have done your duty by your friend. You need to make it clear to her, no matter what she says, that you love her and you will always be there for her when this all goes tits up.

[Pinktartan]

Thank you, I was thinking I was just being some overly suspicious witch, but I can't see a rational explanation for what's happened. It is exactly like watching a slow moving car crash. I can see things happening before they do and I'm waiting for his next excuse for not being paid etc. Then when I hear it, it is hard to keep a straight face. It's awful. She is being very naive and when/if the truth emerges she is going to be distraught.

[dowhatnow]

If nothing else ahe should be protecting her finances.

[ImperialBlether]

I doubt very much he's going to work at all.

Does anyone know whether the police would be of any use here? I'd be surprised if they hadn't come across him at some point.

[Pinktartan]

Interesting you say that across because in my presence he had already started planting negative seeds about her best friend, and being very critical of her and there is indeed a distance between them. Unfortunately she blames the friend and not him