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Don't know what to do...(14 Posts)
I hope some one can give me some advice...I feel like I am reaching the end of my tether.
I will try and cut this as short as I can. Basically been with DP for four years and we have an 18 month old together.
When I got pregnant we agreed that I would be off work until our child was 2 then I would go back to work as much as I could manage and increase hours as my DD got older. The deal was that DP would be the provider.
Since being pregnant and having my child I would say we have really struggled financially in that he isn't on a terrible wage but definitely not enough to pay bills easily and often we have been short most months either on food or the bills.
He has a job he loves and always wanted which I am so happy about because he is happy. He has also worked hard to work his way up and is now in a higher position which I am very proud of him. However these different job roles have not meant that he has had a huge increase in wage. So the struggle continues.
I don't want to come across that I sit on my fat arse and won't contribute I am currently working every Saturday and Wednesday but don't bring in much money.
Everything we have goes towards bills and rent and food and we make sure our DD has everything she needs. However we never have enough money, I actually believe we are living in poverty most months.
We have many arguments about money and not having enough and have put together budgets and cancelled every direct debit we don't need for example Spotify but we still do not have enough for basic needs.
I have never been someone who has had mental health issues but in the past four months I have been suffering quite badly with anxiety and do believe all our problems are financial.
I have tried to speak to DP about him getting another job because basically he can't afford to support us. He has said he is happy too but always says there's nothing. Basically he won't look for a job that's not what he really wants to do. Like he could get a job in a different field for more money but I feel like he just won't look even though we suffer every month.
Lately I have started to feel resentful of him that he does not earn enough to support us and when he is at work all day I am the one on the phone to our creditors explaining again we don't have the funds to cover what we should be paying. It's gone past soul destroying and I'm starting to just not care. I really am worried about my mental state. I have been given medication in the past but they didn't work. I feel it all stems from the problems we have financially as I have said.
I am starting to imagine a life without my DP because I can't live like this anymore. It's all come to a head after I've had to go to my mums and ask her to buy my food shop and she was basically like we can't carry on like this and she shouldn't be doing this for me st my age. Obviously i agree and feel completely mortified that I have to ask but we have no other means of getting through the week.
I know being on my own will be so hard but I feel I am reaching the end of the road. The more I resent him the less I love him. I can't carry on like this. I feel like I cry most days. We get some help from tax credits but that money mostly goes on petrol or whatever food DD needs and then I stretch it all week and often don't eat meals so she has enough.
Surely this isn't right. Why doesn't he see how much pain this is causing and do what it takes to make sure we at least have food and can pay bills.
He is an amazing dad and I know everyone always says it but he really is perfect in that sense. Apart from lacking motivation he is a great partner also but the longer this carries on the more I feel we are just so different.
What can I do?
I think you have to take on more hours, or go back to work fulltime - the agreement you had was unrealistic. I can understand you feel let down and anxious, but I'm not sure expecting him to find something else is the answer.
You realise that if he did find another job, it might not work out and in the first couple of years you have no comeback on dismissal etc - so him staying in a stable job where he is working his way up has its advantages?
Thanks I am quite happy to take on more hours but we could never afford the childcare. My mum has our daughter on a Wednesday but will not do anymore than that and he has her on a Saturday. His family doesn't really help out so that's a no go.
I can see it might come across although I have too high expectations but like I said I am happy to do my fair share (looking after a child full time is a job in itself) I just feel I should have enough money to pay bills and to eat every month but the reality is I don't...
Do you think you will be better off alone? Have you looked at your entitlements etc if you were a single parent?
Where is all the money going? He works fulltime, you get some tax credits and earn a little part-time. Is it your rent? Do you have debts? You say you've done budgets together - do you both stick to them?
I don't know...probably not but it's hard to cope with arguments and the financial situation we have...I just want a break.
Yes our rent is quite high and we don't get any help with it, we aren't entitled. We don't have many debts really but our outgoings just seem to go through the roof. DP has a car on finance and insurance which together costs us about £300 per month and the money he spends in petrol travelling to work is insane but his company won't help to pay.
I meant budget as i sat down and wrote down everything we have going out and it came out as more than what DP earns so basically we 'live' on my small wage per month to live and that must include food.
I've done everything I can think of in the mean time like reducing our British gas direct debit and getting the council tax to be paid in more instalments but our income is our income.
We have had a row since I wrote on here and I think he feels guilty he says he will see what he can do at work. I just don't know if things will change...
I don't know what I would be entitled to as a single parent no. I don't know where to look. I have heard from friend though that if I were to go down that route DP really wouldn't have to pay much as he only has one child...
It seems like you need to go back to work full time. Usually separation causes more financial strain, not less. When you made this decision before baby came, did you crunch the numbers and make sure it was affordable for you to stay home a bit? What happened?
Could you get an evening job eg in a bar or restaurant? I know it's tiring looking after a toddler but I know a few mums who have got evenings jobs as their partner can look after the child and you don't pay out for childcare. I have three friends in evening/weekend jobs ie supermarket, nhs helpline and a sales call centre. Surely that would be better than asking your mum for food.
If your partner works full-time and he is happy where he is at the moment Im not sure he should change that.
The car on finance would seem the logical thing to go - there's little point in cutting out spottify if you're spending £300 a month on a car. You'd be better buying an old banger for two months worth of that. What about him commuting by public transport? Are there cheaper places you could rent?
You can check out what you're entitled to on the benefits calculators online. There's also one for CMS (child support). Both on the Gov.uk website.
But if you would otherwise be happy, maybe you can salvage this.
It seems unfair that you blame him and hold him responsible for your family income. He could earn more but he doesn't want to - so could you.
It sounds like you are running a car that you cannot afford, that would seem like a sensible place to start. I don't understand the comment about his work not helping pay his petrol - employers don't pay the cost of getting to and from work.
Could you move to somewhere a bit more affordable?
You would undoubtedly end up worse off financially if you separated.
Have you done the calculations if you worked full time whether you could afford childcare, especially if your mum's doing one day? It seems unfair that financially support the whole family is down to him.
That's not always true, Mywinetime. I'm better off single - but that's mostly cos he pissed away all our money down the pub .
When does the free child care kick in? Is it age 2? Op can you cope until your dd is 2 and then try to up your hours around the free child care?
It's a bit cheeky demanding that he gets a better paid job, even if he wouldn't enjoy it, because you don't want to work.
You might not do much better than breaking even after childcare at first but you work your way into better paid positions, like you want him to do.
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