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When does it stop hurting

(12 Posts)
user1474193901 Sun 18-Sep-16 11:30:26

If left my STBEXH the end of last Nov, with our 2 boys following a 20 year marriage. I had learned 8 months before about an affair, which he still denies. Now having left I have learned that the relationship abusive. With control and amnioukation and years of brainwashing, that I was losing my mind, i didn't see it for what it was. He's a charmer and able to pull the wool over everyone's eyes, including mine. I have recently learned he is in yet another relationship, and continue to learned about other incidences when he's cheated during the course of our marriage. It seems my whole married life has been a lie and I've been in love with a stranger.
I've been gone 12 months now, we have no contact anymore except through the mediator and solicitor. But learning about all these affairs still hurts like hell, and reduces me to a pathetic heap. When will this stop feeling so raw? I don't want him back, and will never be able to forgive him... But when will I be able to be free from the upset?

mygrandchildrenrock Sun 18-Sep-16 12:03:59

flowers Grief can take a long time to get over, you can't rush it.
One day you'll realise you haven't cried so much, or so often. It's natural to be so upset when you find out your marriage was a lie/sham.
I am sorry you are so hurt but honestly the day will come when you won't be.

FritzDonovan Sun 18-Sep-16 14:01:24

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry flowers
Just thank your lucky stars you saw the light and got out, try not to dwell on the past and move forward. Eventually you'll realise you're living a much better life than you would have if you had stayed. Hugs.

user1474193901 Sun 18-Sep-16 14:54:04

Thank you so much for your kind words. X

flapjackfairy Sun 18-Sep-16 15:09:18

20 yrs is a long time and i would imagine that finding out all about his affairs must mess with your head. As you say it seems(to you) like your marriage was a big lie and so you might wonder what there is in your life that remains solid and stable.But you have your boys who are tangible proof that those 20 yrs were not completely wasted. Allow yourself to grieve it is early days. I hope you find genuine happiness in the future. X

user1474193901 Sun 18-Sep-16 16:39:26

Thank you flapjackfairy. What you have written gives me great comfort and strength. I don't know where I'd be without my boys. They are my rock and the most precious thing people in the world to me.

Whyislifesohardconfused2016 Sun 18-Sep-16 21:31:49

You are an amazing woman if only so many others could have your strength!! Even if the hurt never goes are you coping day to day? Living? Eating? Enjoying at least some things? Valuing yourself? I hope you are - just continue and one day when you least expect it the wounds will have sealed

Kirk123 Sun 18-Sep-16 22:59:13

Just breathe , try not to overthink , I am 18 months on after 31 years together I was broken into a 1000 peices abd believe me it does get better I promise , one day at a time just breath again buy runaway husbands from Amazon it will help , mumsnet will keep you strong xxxxx

user1474193901 Sun 25-Sep-16 19:57:15

Thanks everyone. Just ordered the book suggested.
Feeling quite strong today. Had a couple of nasty emails from the STBEXH regarding mediation/settlement. He made a few horrible personal comments but today, for some reason, they didn't not upset me. I almost laughed and thought how pathetic he seemed. Is this a turning point? I hope so. I know it's two steps forward, one step back. But today I feel like any comment he made was just not going to upset me. Hurrah!

user1474193901 Sun 25-Sep-16 19:59:53

Thank you whyislife. You're lovely comments give me strength.
It's lovely to have people listening... To be 'heard' if you know what I mean.
Just sad that there seem so many of us out there that have had our hearts and spirit broken.

hermione2016 Sun 25-Sep-16 20:16:22

It's not yet 12 months so I think you need to give yourself more time especially when you get new discoveries.Imagine a deep bruise and ever so often you get hit again.The healing doesn't stop but the progress is slowed down.

You have come out of a long relationship and it is like a bereavement which therapists say can take 2-4 years to fully recover from.

How fast is the divorce going? I suspect that whilst that is still ongoing you will struggle to draw a line under the marriage.

Know that your life will be better, I have seen many marriages break up due to affairs and rarely has the man been happy long term.
They often descend into deep unhappiness just at the time that their ex devoted partner has recovered!

user1474193901 Sun 25-Sep-16 21:00:11

Hi Hermione. The divorce petition was issued at the beginning of Sep. Am I right in thinking he gets 28 day to sign it and return it to the court? The petition is for adultery. He wanted it to be unreasonable behaviour but I stood my ground and told him to grow a back bone and own up to his mistakes... (He agreed to sign it, but I've yet to see if he actually will). The financial bit will take a while. He's hidden most of his finances as he deals with cash - his financial disclosure form was a complete joke. I'm trying to use this to my advantage by pushing him toward a decent settlement for me and the boys or we take it to court (which he really doesn't want to do obviously). But the bitchy comments continue. He's trying to force face-to-face mediation again... Pfft. He'll be lucky.
I've just realised that maybe why I'm feeling quite strong... I've not had to see him face to face. Contact has been reduced dramatically (up until the last 3 days when he has sent a flurry, following the shuttle mediation session Thursday).
Just a few months ago the thought of a divorce was really upsetting. Now I feel it will be liberating. I still get sleepless nights, nightmares and mild panic attacked whilst out thinking I will bump in to him, but everyday it seems to be getting easier.
Everyone on here is amazing BTW...

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