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Relationship with mum

(10 Posts)
SnortGruntFart Sun 18-Sep-16 11:29:53

Need to get some opinions on this situation.

I have a pretty-much fractured relationship with my mum. It really started when I went out with friends and came back the next day (this was many years ago BTW), after going to another friend's house and having a jamming session until 2am (the house was a detached, so no noise annoying the neighbours).

I was living with mum and dad as I'd broken up with an ex, and when I got back to their place, dad called me a slut. I didn't sleep with anyone so I was incredibly hurt and was wondering how he came to that conclusion.

The tipping point was when mum came up to see me in my room and told me that she agreed with my dad, that I was probably sleeping around. I told her that I wasn't interested in sex, and that she wasn't with me at all times to know that. From then on her snipping, bitching and general picking on me over extremely minor things to the point where she would take anything I did/said/dressed in etc and bitch about it, became to much to bear. The last time I saw her she verbally laid into me over me saying that there was an element of dysfunctional behaviour in the family (believe me, there is and if any of you lovely lot could spend a week with my family, you'd see what I'm talking about). I stood there wondering if the irony was lost on her considering she was engaging in the behaviour I was talking about. I said nothing except that I wasn't putting up with her shipping at me all the time. I said that I wouldn't stop the DC from seeing her, but it was up to them to come round if they want. I know DS doesn't like her as he has witnessed her bitching at me and he says that he doesn't go round to see mum as he doesn't want to risk her bitching at him as well. This is an 11yo picking up on mum being nasty to me, which my other siblings don't get to the same extent.

Getting to today, I find out that mum has been left with nearly 50k of debt. The bulk of that debt was because dad had not declared a certain income to the benefits office and now mum, who knew all about this and signed the document that all information asked for was given and correct, has been landed with a bill of what is owed back to the benefit's office, and other bills that hadn't been paid.

Mum knew that dad had previous form for not paying bills (many years back he stopped paying the mortgage and their house was nearly repossessed), so why she still let dad pay them, knowing what his form was previously, is beyond me.

Now she is snapping, and bitching at me because she is stressed over this. I told her that this is not my fault and that I made the consequences clear to both of them of what may happen if the bills weren't paid, and what they had actually signed up for. As usual, she ignored me and is now paying for being complacent and complicit in signing for these things.

I now have my younger brother on my back about 'poor mum' being under stress, in so much debt etc. He also says that here are issues that I need to sit down and sort out with mum, but knowing mum, they are extremely minor issues that mum makes into a major issue.

TBH, I've got to the point where I cannot be in the same room as mum. The reason is that I know she'll pick on something minor (usually the way I dress or something) and turn it into a major issue/drama, then make out that I'm to blame for her stress etc.

There's so much more, but I won't go into it as it would take ages to list all the shit that mum has said and done to me.

Anyway, all thoughts are appreciated.

strawberryblondebint Sun 18-Sep-16 11:37:43

Not your debt and not your problem. Focus on your own family and limit contact. I had to do it with my dad. Never been happier. I am full NC though

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 18-Sep-16 11:44:38

Their debt is not your problem and your parents seem as bad as one another. Your mother has stayed with her H for her own reasons. I would stop engaging with any of your family of origin altogether.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what are your roles here?. You have been harmed by what they have done to you. Its not your fault they are like this, you did not make them this way. Their own families did that lot of damage to them.

I would also think that your brother is more favoured and also does not get your mum moaning at him half as much either. He is certainly not acting in your interests either.

Your parents were not good parents to you and its no surprise to see that they are not decent grandparent figures to your children either. Your further mistake here was to allow your children to at all have any relationship with them at all despite your own knowledge of what they are like. It has not worked because your eldest in particular has seen how they treat you and he has backed away from his grandparents understandably.

Would look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages as well as reading "Toxic Parents" written by the same author. It may well be beneficial for you to see a counsellor or therapist to talk about your dysfunctional family of origin.

Aussiebean Sun 18-Sep-16 11:48:35

Not your debt. They are adults they have to deal with it.

Tell your brother he is well to sit and talk with your mum about her problems as often as he likes but he is not to involve you or tell you about it.

Start going low contact.

Aussiebean Sun 18-Sep-16 11:49:46

What's that saying ?

Not my monkey, not my circus.

Tell him that. grin

SnortGruntFart Tue 20-Sep-16 12:02:48

Apologies for the delay in getting back to you all, I've just ended a 21yr friendship because I found out that ex-friend had been lying to me for all of those 21 years. I'm ashamed to admit that she really did pull the wool over my eyes, but it is partially my own fault as I gave her more chances than she actually deserved, but such is life I suppose.

Strawberry, if I went LC or NC, I would have my brother on my back no end. He doesn't seem to see what mum has been doing, but she's clever enough to wait until everyone's back is turned before laying into me verbally. The kind of stuff she gives me dog's abuse about is very minor things like how I dress (I'm usually in jeans, trainers and a top to train our dogs or do housework/ironing etc) or my usual neutral comments on something. I even got dog's abuse over asking her how she was.

I go to her house (on the rare occasion) and say feck all due to her behaviour. Having worked in a couple of EMI units, I did think that maybe she had the onset of some form of dementia, but I don't know.

GloriousGoosebumps Tue 20-Sep-16 15:21:20

Why is your brother saying that you are the person who needs to sit down with your mother and sort out these "issues"? Surely, he's just as able to sort any problems out?

Aussiebean Tue 20-Sep-16 17:06:12

My mum was/is the same. Only when alone. I have vowed to never ever be alone with her again.

So when I have to see her (rarely) my lovely dh stays by my side the whole time.

MagikarpetRide Tue 20-Sep-16 17:18:49

I'd be inclined to point out that your mother knows where you are if she wants to sort issues with you out, however her own issues are all her own.

SnortGruntFart Tue 20-Sep-16 21:24:50

I've tried pointing out things that my mum has said and done, that I remember very clearly (like they occurred just yesterday), yet my brother has been saying that mum NEVER did or said those things. She did. I've been reliving them every day since they happened, so to be going over and over these things for the guts of 30+yrs and still getting the same, unchanging memories every day, you can rest assured that they happened.

The best bit is when my brother said that I had said that an ex was abusing me. That particular ex and I are still good friends and we still natter away about how we are doing, so I questioned him as to why I would even talk to anyone who abused me in any way? He hasn't replied as he knows he's talking out of his arse. The problem is that I'm coming back with measured responses and he is throwing all sorts of random things to try and confuse me. Not working as I'm staying focussed and addressing every single one of his points in a calm, measured manner.

He hasn't come back with anything of substance and I've told him that I don't believe that mum will address her issues, more that she'll probably try and justify her actions by saying that I "drove her to do what she did". I've spoken to my GP about this and she said that I should move if I can, to distance my family from my mum and siblings. That said, my older DB is lovely and stays out of things, and recently has been given a few eye openers about how I've been treated over the years. He seemed shocked at the last situation, where everyone else was invited to Christmas dinner, and he was told that we were invited but refused to go. We told him that we weren't invited to younger brother's house for Christmas dinner and we had never received an invite. Lovely older brother was furious about the little things and has apologised. He has also vowed to include me more in things.

Anyway, been up to start my usual day at 4am, so am off to bed now. I'll see you good ladies in the morning for breakfast. Maybe we should turn this into another thread for those with horrible relatives grin.

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