Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I over reacting?(29 Posts)
I have NC'd for this.
When me and DH first moved in together- 2.5ish years ago- I found a website called chaterbate in his internet history. I hit the roof, he closed his acct blah blah.
Around 4 weeks ago, I found a folder in his drop box called 'recovery' with images of loads of naked women. Not porny pictures, but photos that actual women had taken. I kicked off again, he said it was someone at work had done it for a joke. Deleted them. I went back on to the drop box to get them from the bin on there as I was going to report this man for sending photos without the persons consent. When they had been restored, they went into a 'recovery' folder- making me think he's recovered them himself from the bin.
Last night. I'd called asleep on the sofa. Woke up and DH was nowhere to be found. Heard a noise from the kitchen so went in to find DH with his knob out watching porn having a wank.
He absolutely shit himself. I went berserk.
Bit of background is my ex used to sit and compare me to porn stars all the time. Saying I'd never be as thin or as pretty as them and that I had crap boobs etc... he would say he'd rather have a wank than sleep with me.
I asked DH the other week following in from a mn thread I believe, if he wanked after the initial chaterbate incident a couple of years ago. He swore blind he didn't and I was away on holiday for a week 2 weeks ago and he swore that he waited for me to come back.
Now it's not the wanking itself I'm fuming about, it's the hiding in the kitchen when I was asleep, going incognito on his phone etc etc. We've been doing a 'what is your fantasy' thing the last week or so and mine is that I want to watch porn with him and he won't. He said he doesn't like it and doesn't feel comfortable with it. This is another thing I'm annoyed about that I fucking caught him watching it last night.
I'm angry, sad and feel sick all at once. I don't know if I'm over reacting
You seem to have a few things a bit twisted here OP...not that you don't have reasons to be upset though.
Firstly...he's an adult and does not have to hide to have a wank. I;m not sure why you were annoyed about him wanking in the kitchen...as long as he wasn't doing it on the countertops or when there was a risk of kids coming in, he can wank where he likes.
Secondly you don't seem to have a problem with porn from a personal stance....ie you'd be happy to watch it yourself...so the fact that he does not want to watch it with you is his choice....he doesn't see it as something to share.
The other stuff...the photos....THAT is dodgy as hell and I don't believe a man he knows sent it at all. It sounds like he's messaging women on sites where that stuff goes on.
Out of all of this I think the lying about the photos of women on drop box would bother me the most. The friend excuse you know is total bullshit? Why would a friend put them into his drop box??? That makes no sense.
As for wanking, well that is pretty normal but not in the kitchen
I just don't think he sounds very honest about a few things. He clearly likes porn and wanking but lied to you to make you feel better rather than just be honest and open and now it's awful because he got caught red handed.
There's nothing wrong with self satisfying, so it's not fair at all to ask him not to do it - it's his body! but there's plenty wrong with being sneaky and telling lies about wank material on drop box.
It's not the wanking I'm bothered about though. I asked him and he swore blind he didn't do it. I have no issue at all with that. He's a bloke it's human nature yada yada. But why did he lie. My issue is it seems to be one thing after the other. And why say he doesn't like porn full stop it makes him uncomfortable but then watch it in the kitchen?
The photos seemed to be of a few different girls but lots of photos iyswim? So one woman sent 6 photos etc
Well it sounds like he has an addiction to porn OP and also that he's in some kind of website where people share porny pics and talk dirty. Can you look at his phone?
Not at the moment he's at work. I'll get it off him tonight. He has 3 though. Demo iPhone for work, work phone and personal phone. What shall I look for?
I actually asked him last night if he had a porn addiction
I've logged onto his laptop and I've found nothing , checked all online storage that I know of, in folders, email platform, google images etc. Internet history is clean - but it would be if he's using incognito. Is there a way to check that?
If you ask him for it, he will say no...you need to check ALL phones without him knowing your'e onto him or he will delete history.
Look at the history of his searches. Look at his emails too....and if he's on Facebook or other social media, check his inboxes.
Oh and there will be people on here who think this is BAD. That you should not check your partner's phones. But you know what? If you're with a partner....living together, sharing income and commitment...then there shouldn;t be anything to hide.
And if there IS something well then it's your right to know so that you can protect yourself.
I check his phones anyway pretty regularly TBH after the chaturbate thing and that's how I found the naked images. I'm really gutted. He sort of shuts down whenever I try and talk about it aswell.
If he's anything like mine he'll 'not know ' how dodgy pics got onto his computer. Unfortunately, not being very tech savvy I can't prove anything anyway. Maybe the only way is to lie low for a while, but keep on checking until you have incontrovertible proof. Good luck if you can keep a poker face going that long.
Well when I first confronted him about it, he said it must've been a customer the other day cause he leaves his phone lying around at work and two lads walked away laughing, then in the next breath it was a colleague. He is denying it still and I've said he needs to tell me the truth so that I can start trying to trust him again but he said if he tells me it was him then he really would be lying.
Yup, and now he knows you're suspicious. He'll have an answer for everything and 'not remember' anything he can't plausibly explain...and expect you to trust his word in it all. The only way to get answers is to have concrete proof.
If you don't mind the porn and you don't mind the wanting, why on earth do you feel the need to check his phone, especially as you seem to have a habit of doing it.
Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you should have access to everything he looks st, everything he Google. If this were the other way round, and a guy insisted on checking his partners phone periodically, he'd be called controlling and abusive....
He sounds awful OP, for what its worth I don't think you're over reacting if you are being distressed and betrayed. A loving partner should be open, honest and considerate of your feelings after all. Feel so sorry for you and he sounds like a complete cactus.
Op, there are many contradictions in your post and a not inconsiderable flavour of hypocrisy
You don't appear to know your arse from your elbow where boundaries are concerned
So you'd be happy with the fact that your DH has numerous images of naked women in his phone? Of COURSE you would af
He probably lies about it because you go 'beserk', in your own words, when you catch him doing it. Of course he's not going to be open with you when he knows your reaction is emotional hysteria. It's got nothing to do with sex, it's about not trusting you.
Also I'd imagine he thinks you're only luring him into porn talk so you can turn on him when he agrees with you.
If you want him to open up then he has to trust you to listen and from the sounds of it, he's right not to.
Him having some porn on his phone is nothing IMO to the breach of trust and controlling behaviour of repeatedly checking his phone.
I'm also confused, do you have an issue with porn or not?
The pictures are the only thing I'd be concerned about. What a load of bolony he gave as an excuse.
Unless his watching porn affects your sex life then leave him be. Not everyone wants to admit watching porn ... even to their spouse and he might not feel comfortable watching it with you.
I have no issue with him having a wank or watching porn, I was annoyed about the fact he full stop said he didn't like porn at all then watched it, if he had said it would be uncomfortable for him watching it with me then that also would have been fine.
The fact he had a wank, also fine. But I'd rather he didn't lie and say he never ever did it then for me to walk in on him a mere 3 days later at it bold as brass in the kitchen.
The photos, yes I'm annoyed about them but realistically what the hell can I do about it? He says it wasn't him- I can't prove it otherwise. We had a chat last night and I promised him I wouldn't check his phone anymore (I barely do it now compared to what I did before straight after finding him on chaturbate, by regularly I mean probably once every 2/3 months). I told him again that I wasn't bothered about the wanking or porn, but be more discreet and don't let me walk in on it again.
He sounds a complete sleaze, there's no trust there, he's hiding whatever it is he is doing online, and don't just think it's porn, he's clearly swapping nude pics with other women, why waste your time policing him and just get rid, he never stopped since the last time you caught him.
Join the discussion
Please login first.