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When to tell kids about separation plans?

(11 Posts)
AintThatSomething Sun 18-Sep-16 08:07:53

Hi, I posted the other day but I have finally reached the end of my tether and have told my partner we can't continue. I am hopefully buying him out of the mortgage.

He will have a sum from the equity and can rent or buy somewhere for himself and them when they stay. For the moment he is here and we are being civil. I am sleeping in another room if any of the kids are at a GPs for a sleepover.

Are we best to tell them when he actually has somewhere, which may take a few weeks, or before then and say that this will be the plan in a few weeks?

I think he will be quite annoying about choosing somewhere as he has suddenly realised that actually he has spent years squandering money and doesn't have any savings. He says he wants 4 bedrooms as we have 3 kids. He doesn't want to rent and would rather buy.

I feel a lot better knowing he is going so the tension has probably lifted at home.

I stopped putting his washing away a couple of months ago, but am still washing it- should I stop that, or continue to try and keep him sweet for the next period?

I have also been making dinner for all of us so that it appears more normal for the kids.

He seems fairly compliant at the moment and I have really stuck to my guns when he has asked me to change my mind. I would rather try and keep things on an even keel so that we can do it as smoothly as possible, but equally part of the reason is because he is a lazy bastard with housework etc.

Any words from the wise about the timing of telling the kids, and the level of normal household service to maintain?

THank you!

12purpleapples Sun 18-Sep-16 08:11:13

Do you think he will actually agree to leave and follow through on it?

I would stop doing anything for him at home - no cooking or washing, but on the other hand that may increase the level of tension?

If you think he will act within a reasonable time frame I would wait to tell the children once you have some definites to tell them.

Hassled Sun 18-Sep-16 08:17:27

I wouldn't say anything to the kids until you have concrete plans - otherwise it's all a bit abstract and confusing for them. Wait until you can say "From tomorrow, Dad's going to be living on X street and you'll be seeing him lots of times" - obviously it's going to be very hard for them, but at least they can start to imagine what the future is like, rather than a vague woolly notion that things aren't good which may make them feel very insecure. There's no way you can make it be easy, though.

Household service - keep doing what you're doing for now if you want to sustain any sense of normality for the kids. Aside from anything else, post-separation life will be so much easier for everyone if you can amicably co-parent, and if you start introducing what could seem as pettiness (cooking for 3 people but not the 4th, say) then that won't help.

SageYourResoluteOracle Sun 18-Sep-16 08:19:42

Oh what a tricky situation. You sound very level-headed about it all though.

I would've thought that telling the children sooner rather than later is best so that at least your ex-partner is still around for a while to answer the questions the DC will inevitably have and to reassure that he still loves them rather than you telling the DC and him moving out at the same time.

Not having a partner who does anything around the house would drive me insane. I'd stop doing his washing etc but only if it won't cause ructions (not that you should have to keep the peace ) but more for the sake of not rattling the kids.

Sorry- this is a bit rambily. Good luck to you.

Cabrinha Sun 18-Sep-16 08:21:06

You've missed out the important bit - age of the kids!

With my 5yo I waited 4 months until my house purchase was done. At that age, I think they need certainties and a vague "then I'll move out" would have been hard for her.

In your case, I'd be tempted to tell them because making it real may help in forcing his hand sorting out a house. I'm in two minds posting that as it sounds a bit like using the kids... I certainly surprise him by telling them.

Telling them also allows you to move into a different bedroom which I think is better for you.

I actually was happy to continue to cook sometimes for my XH (I rarely did his laundry anyway) in order to avoid it looking odd and awkward to my daughter. But there had been no unfair division of labour before the split - we didn't often eat together anyway. If I'd been cooking every night for him whilst he sat on his arse watching TV, then no - I wouldn't have continued.

DramaLlamaa Sun 18-Sep-16 08:30:02

Ex stayed in the house 5 months after we split 😩 in the end I had to arrange a flat for him & start living his stuff out - i literally had to pack boxes and put them in the garage! He so apathetic. I then got lodgers which fibally forced him out.
Re the kids - we tild them he was working away initially and then when things had settled down (coupk ed if months I think) we told them its/was permanent & dad wasn't coming home.
Can i ask how you came tobthecequitu agreement? Was it 50:50?

DramaLlamaa Sun 18-Sep-16 08:31:49

Terrible typos sorry!

pocketsaviour Sun 18-Sep-16 08:34:01

I'd suggest you stop doing any housework on his behalf, but offer him the choice of paying for your services at around the £20/hr mark (or whatever is appropriate for the area in which you live.)

AintThatSomething Sun 18-Sep-16 09:04:25

Kids are 4,6 and 8.

I am off to the bank this week to discuss buying him out of the mortgage/switching it to just me as they will need to assess me on my own for it.

I think I then need to see a solicitor and get a contract drawn up for the lump of money he will get.

We haven't looked at exactly what the child share split will look like but roughly 50/50 in my opinion, or maybe 60/40 to me.

I might stop the washing and think about the meals. The kids tend to eat a bit earlier in the week so could maybe just do family teas at weekends.

I have helpfully sent him a link to 90% mortgages and rightmove for the area this morning as he has gone to his mums for the day.

I feel SO much better than I have in the last year or 2 now I know that the end is in sight. I know it will be tricky over the next few months but seriously, SO much better already. I was away with work for a week and realised after having a laugh and a joke and being me for the time that I just couldn't go on as I was.

DramaLlamaa Sun 18-Sep-16 09:11:54

Yes its extremely freeing! People warned me the elation wouldn't last but I can honestly say 2 years on it was the best decision. Theres only been one time of regret and that's when I had an operation and had to rely on other people.
We are battling over equity though - how will you split it? Dc see him eow so 1 night out of 14

12purpleapples Sun 18-Sep-16 10:46:51

For me the elation did settle after a bit, but just to a level of good happiness/contentment. I've certainly never regretted it for a second. Good luck with moving things on smile.

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