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Another chance?

(21 Posts)
Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 07:52:42

A month ago I broke up with my partner of 4 years. I came on here seeking advice on whether I should or not as I wasnt sure at the time. Anyway, I did, as I was really fed up of his constant grumpiness and not finding any happiness in anything we did.
For the last month he has been absolutely devastated about it. At first I was adamant I didn't want to be with him, but realising how much he does really love me has made me feel differently. I can't bear the thought of him being so distressed either, which I realise now is because I still love him.
I think one of the main problems is that his very best friend committed suicide a year ago and my DP was in complete pieces over it. He tried to pull himself together and get over it but I believe some of his behaviours have stemmed from this tragedy. My (ex)DP in the last month has been to his GP, been referred to a counselling service which hes been doing, and is also starting to go privately, he acknowledges he should have started this a long time ago.
I still love him, and I know he utterly loves me. However I am wary of giving it another try (we split up before a couple of years ago because of arguing). He can be a difficult man but he is so loving and we are just made for each other in so many ways which I wont start listing here.. But when you know, you know don't you!

Do you think it is worth another try?

He has a million great qualities other than being a grump quite often, but he knows that I wont stay in a miserable unhappy relationship and that if we have any chance, he is going to have to grow up on that front (he's also started anger management)!

I would really like to hear what people think. Thank you.

hesterton Sun 18-Sep-16 07:55:42

You could give it another go if it feels right, but don't have kids or get married until you have another four years, but this time without the issue?

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 08:05:18

Thanks hesterton. Something in me is just quite anxious about it but I do love him a lot. Just scared of getting into an unhappy scenario again but like you say I guess give it time.

Cary2012 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:35:07

Would you still love him and miss him if he wasn't devastated OP?

By all means give it another go, but only if you miss him and not because he misses you. Don't give it another go through guilt because he's not coping without you.

That anxiety you feel, that's your gut. Listen to it. Why do you have doubts?

hownottofuckup Sun 18-Sep-16 08:39:39

Completely agree with Cary

I don't think you should right now, it seems a bit premature. Let him work through his counselling etc first. If it's meant to be, it'll still be meant to be in 6 months.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 18-Sep-16 08:41:15

You splitting caused him to start getting help. He has taken only a few steps down that path. When you are together he uses you instead of getting help. If you get back together you might wreck his recovery.

Give him a chance to sort himself out more. It would be cruel to do anything else.

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 08:43:14

Hi Cary, tbh I was having a great time just being on my own, I was really happy. But it was hard to live with the fact knowing he was in a terrible place. He's also made hints at suicide before too (even when we were together) and I was really frightened he was going to hurt himself when I first split up with him. I got in touch with his mother and his brother and told them about the situation, they were pretty useless though, left him to deal with his shit on his own.
I wouldnt have been able to live with myself if he'd done anything.
At the same time there have been times where I've missed him.
Im a bit confused at the mo. We are talking again and getting closer but I just dont know. Im wondering whether its me, do I have issues, do I just not want a relationship at all? The more I try and think about it the more confused I feel!! sad

Evilstepmum01 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:44:14

I think if hes gone to his GP for help then that shows he's willing to change and address his issues. Well done to him.

Maybe give him another chance, but take baby steps?

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 08:46:06

I know it sounds like emotional blackmail and can see why it would seem that way. But he is genuinely very fragile not just trying to keep me there and I just dont feel like I can leave a person I love and care about so much to just fall to pieces and destroy themselves. Its really hard..

QuiteLikely5 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:47:11

I think your instinct is screaming noooooo but your heart is screaming yes.

Just because two people love each other it means nothing in terms of being compatible.

I genuinely believe four years is long enough to know someone and their faults. I doubt he will be able to over haul his character traits in order to please you - well not on a permanent basis anyway.

All he is doing is going through the sadness of a break up.

Cut contact, his sadness is t your concern anymore . You can't save him from himself.

I'd rather no love than a love that made me miserable !!!

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 08:51:19

Hi runrabbit. Thanks for advising me again you really helped a month ago. And what you say is so insightful and yes - absolutely right. I want him to do this for himself, get himself on track, not just focus on me to help him stand up. Its deceptive as you would never think he was this fragile inside if you just met him. Its only because i know him so well that i know how he is. I dont think hus mum or bro even realise thats why they didnt take my alerts very seriously.
How do i go about being there for him but also him doing this on his own? Its going to send him right back down again if i say i dont want to be with him (and i dont even know if i do or dont at the moment!!) I really dont want to do that to him.

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:52:37

No point asking us you are going to anyway!

Sounds like he was depressed last time. Hope he can work through his issues.

Don't know if you have kids but be aware having children magnifies and problems in a relationship so def hold off taking any big steps until you are on an even keel.

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 08:55:58

Thanks quitelikely. Its not really a scream as such smilemore like a sort of dull sense/instinct... I also feel like things should be different after four years. But im not sure i know what a healthy relationship should be like as i dont think ive ever experienced one so not sure exactly how things should be, if you see what i mean. We've had some fantastic times together though and I just dont know if I want to throw ut away.
Sorry for sounding so confused sad

OurBlanche Sun 18-Sep-16 08:57:49

But he is genuinely very fragile are you certain? His mum and brother don't seem to think so!

I was having a great time just being on my own, I was really happy. So being without him is nicer than being with him?

I just dont feel like I can leave a person I love and care about so much to just fall to pieces and destroy themselves. Look, he is an adult, he won't fall to pieces because his chosen Life Saver resigns the post! He'll find another one!

We are talking again and getting closer but I just dont know. Then stop talking to him. You are allowing him lots of room in your life, a lie you said was happier without him in it! Why?

The answer to that is important...

Is it because you want to?

Is it because he is making it impossible for you to say no?

From all you have posted I'd say that you really do recognise his manipulations but are finding it hard to believe that your recent happy life is yours for the taking. Well, it is. Block him, delete him, whatever else your need to do.

If you grab your own life with as much zeal as he is trying to you will be a happy bunny!

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 09:03:34

Hi superstar90, no thats why ive come on here asking, as i dont know, im confused. Hearing peoples brilliant advice on here a month ago really helped me nake my decision, which was the right one at the time.
I want to do the right thing again this time particularly runrabbit saying he's sought help since i split and his recovery could be wrecked if we get involved again - is not something I would have thought myself, which is why this board is so brilliant, and why i have come on here asking for the way forward.

ElspethFlashman Sun 18-Sep-16 09:04:24

In your last thread you described him as being a raincloud who always wants to pop your balloon.

And what has changed there? Has he stopped being miserable? No. Has he stopped being negative?

He sounds like he's been your own personal Dementor for a long time. Don't start dating a Dementor again out of pity and guilt.

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 09:09:59

Youre right Elspeth absolutely right. It wint have changed.
It is very sad is all I guess.

hownottofuckup Sun 18-Sep-16 09:13:33

But he is genuinely very fragile are you certain? His mum and brother don't seem to think so!
This ^^
From experience, it's quite possible his family do in fact know him so well as to know that he isn't vulnerable but manipulative (I am not saying people who are suicidal/depressed are manipulative, but I do have a family member who according to professionals is not mentally unwell, but manipulative) it's worth considering the possibility, for your own sake.

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 09:22:47

Then apologies Shayelle. It just seems like you list out in your op all his good qualities - it comes across like you still want to be with him and care for him a lot. But then I didn't see your post a month ago so maybe you listed his bad qualities then and this is more positive to counter that and because you are already split up.
Think other pp right you sound like your heart says yes and head says no.
You could take things slowly ie 'date' again - see him once or twice a week (no more), don't sleep with him for a while, don't move in together. You need to enjoy being with him to stay with him.

Superstar90 Sun 18-Sep-16 09:25:14

Whatever you do hoping it brings happiness for you - life is too short to be miserable or in the wrong relationship xx

Shayelle Sun 18-Sep-16 09:29:39

Thanks superstar. Its just that i do want him to do this for himself, but i do want to be in his life too, think i am going to have to gave The Conversation to say that he needs to work on himself first before we get back together... Which isnt going to be an easy one but I know its the RIGHT one, as thats what feels the right thing to do in my heart. Thanks so much everyone for all your replies it has really helped me again flowers

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