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AIBU or do I deserve to be treated like shit by my sisters, incl my identical twin?(17 Posts)
Pretty much that tbh. I went NC with my twin and my younger sister went NC with me. My older sister speaks to me, but the three of them are best friends. Why, you may ask?
Well, no doubt I'm not entirely blameless. I have always been the joke of the family so I tried to fit in with them, even moving in with my twin to help her with her son. I was the spinster aunt, giving up my time to watch her kids and supporting my younger sister thru her pregnancy and with her wee boy.
Imagine my delight to meet my DH and fall pregnant. Cue my sisters supporting me like I did them. Or so I thought. Nope. They really werent interested. They did visit after DS was born, but any suggestions of playdates or mums coffee with them were ignored.
FF to DS's 1st birthday. younger sis was there and kind, but twin did not send a present or even a text. (I've never forgotten or ignored her kids. Never).
I let that go, not seeing them much. FF to DS's 2cnd birthday, twin again ignored it. Was devastated for my son, so sent angry text asking her what her problem was (my dad had told her it was his bday, so unlikely she forgot). I got no answer, was blocked on fb and suddenly I'm an evil bitch.
Younger sister hated twin, theyre always falling out, but wee sis meets bloke online and leaves her BF to move to the south of England with their son to live with this bloke.
She literally abandoned her home, leaving my elderly dad to look after it. He tried, but ended up ill with worry. She wouldnt answer my calls, so sent her a msg saying hey, whats happening, you need to sort your shit. I love you, but you have to do something before you burn bridges..
Cue the usual blocking on fb, not speaking to me and Im the evil bitch for not supporting her in her life decisions. Um.....
Got married last year, cue fb posts seen by my family and friends, from sisters that I 'look a knob' in my wedding dress, nobody gives a fuck and worse. Cried there, especially as my twin got married the year before, I wasnt invited, I accepted that (we were on holiday anyway) and got her a wedding present and card. We got married at gretna and didnt invite people.
sorry for the long post, am trying to be honest!
just seen on my olders sisters fb that I'm 'the fucked up one'. Normally I let this shit go, but that makes me feel sick. Guess thats why they post it. They slag our mum off on fb too, my twin hates her also, my younger sis not so much.
So, is it me? Should I go back to being the joke and not be happy with my DH and DS? I need some perspective please!
p.s my username is because I've always been called the evil twin by my sisters (ironic cos I thought I was kind).
Wow... They sound like a classy bunch... I know how hurtful it must be but sounds like you're much better off without them. None of them are any support to you. Why not pour your energy into those that deserve it & stay NC with your sisters. Block fb & forget them.
Thanks sassy, I do pour my energy into those who love me for me!!
They just hurt me deliberately. They do and say things it wouldnt cross my mind to do because it might hurt someone.
I just need to know if its me. My friends know my sisters and say its them, but thats what friends do!
I try to forget them and live my life and be happy! Sometimes tho, it gets to me
Block them on FM etc so you don't know what's said.
What you don't know can't hurt you.
My friends know my sisters and say its them, but thats what friends do!
But if you were as bad as your sisters say, do you think you'd have friends who clearly love and support you?
I think any clique needs an outsider and it sounds like you are their outsider. Totally block them on fb and as Sassy says pour your energy into those that deserve it
If you are happy with your DH and DS, get on with your parents and have a good group of friends then that's what I would focus on.
I'd leave the door open (just in case they improve) but try to accept that you can't expect anything (normal) from them. Don't allow them to treat you badly but keep the moral high ground.
I wouldn't even leave the door open.
Poor you, it seems like you've tried everything to get them to be nice to you - in fact, they won't even be civil. So I would focus on your son, and your DH, (Who in my opinion are lucky to have you ) and just forget about them.
You all sound as bad as each other. You're all judgemental and not accepting of each other.
I think it's daft choosing to be upset about lack of birthday gifts. Some people are just a bit rubbish about gift buying but it doesn't matter.
Equally your text to your sister should have been 'love you and worry about you. How are you in new area? what's plans for old house?'
Saying that family's tend to need a
Scapegoat. It helps them feel stronger as a unit, looking down in someone.
Also all these comment made on fb about your wedding dress. They are not the normal comments of family who love. Loved ones would never speak so hurtfully. And the comments were meant to hurt your feelings. The comments weren't really about your dress at all. The comments were a reflection of your sisters messed up emotions and were deeply unkind.
I agree with everything goldfishfingers has said.
Just get on with your life, and don't worry about them. We don't all need to get on with our relatives
Wow just wow.
Your whole family is very sick.
You're all so intertwined with judgement and expectation.
To paraphrase the family expectations:
I looked after my sisters post partum and expected them to do the same in return - in our family, fairness and trade is how it should work.
I bought presents for my nieces and nephews, I expected the same in return.
My youngest sister left home when as the youngest she should have stayed put to look after dad.
I was supposed to be the spinster and didn't allow myself the glory of a family wedding.
Berating each other on a public social networking site is considered normal in my family.
Both parties judge the other extremely harshly and end up pretending that other person doesn't exist.
We don't know how to discuss anything and pass judgement instead either passive aggressively or face to face.
I think what you are actually saying is: We are all angry all of the time and pass the anger between each other like its a bomb about to explode.
Your family is in real crisis. Yes, in an ideal world, it would be nice to get what you receive from others. It doesn't necessarily work like that. We cannot force others to do something they're either unwilling or unable to do. This is what you've tried to do with your sisters, who didn't help you out with your Newbie and your younger sister, who decided to fly the nest AS IS HER RIGHT - she didn't want to be defacto carer for your father. There are three of you, correct?
I see you don't like being judged by them and I'm sure they don't like being judged by you. So why do any of it?
I think you should seriously consider some extensive reading on this. There are books about Toxic Parents, Toxic People, plenty of online stuff about narcissism as well as heaps of books.
If you can pay for therapy, do it.
Step away from the toxicity. You are also responsible for feeding the drama. Going NC is a good start to heal yourself and get in contact with them when you are ready - if ever.
I also have a very sick family. I was the silent/invisible child and in my teens, I became the scapegoat. You've made me reevaluate my yearning for not having a sister. I have one brother, who is very much like my mother.
I don't agree with everything that goldfish has posted.
I agree that you are the scapegoat in the family, but I think that you have tried hard to be 'liked' by your family and have put yourself in to a position where it is very easy for them to put you down and place the blame for anything on you.
the parts that are coming across as judgemental to some are I believe a desire to keep your family together as a unit.
Ok thanks for your thought. I totally totally disagree with the comment that we're all as bad as each other, I have never judged their life choices. It was actually me that said to wee sis to move if she felt that made her happy as life is too short.
Being upset about birthday gifts-I'm not shallow, a text saying hope he had a nice birthday would have sufficed. Its their exclusion of my DS from their idea of family that I was angry about.
mummyoflittledragon I feel I should clear a few things up.
I looked after my sisters post partum and expected them to do the same in return - in our family, fairness and trade is how it should work.^ I am not shallow, a bit of interest in my bump, shared experiences of being pregnant, not 'you'll never know what its like to be a mother' which is all I;ve ever heard from them. I helped them because I love them, I thought that love went both ways. My mistake.^
I bought presents for my nieces and nephews, I expected the same in return. In our family, this is normal. My twin slammed my lil sis for not doing this, so I have always tried to be kind
My youngest sister left home when as the youngest she should have stayed put to look after dad. wtf? she abandoned her own council house and left dad to put money in the electric and he had to pay to have the grass cut cos the council complained. His calls were ignored by her and her neighbours were constantly asking where she was. My dad's BP went up and he was crying with stress. I told her this nicely and offered to help.
I was supposed to be the spinster and didn't allow myself the glory of a family wedding. we were happy just getting married, couldnt afford a big do. My choice, my wedding.
Berating each other on a public social networking site is considered normal in my family. who said that? I dont do it, I dont deliberately set out to hurt peoples feelings, especially those I love.
Both parties judge the other extremely harshly and end up pretending that other person doesn't exist. I dont judge, my shit still stinks! I supported their life decisions, is it too much to expect my blood family to support mine?
We don't know how to discuss anything and pass judgement instead either passive aggressively or face to face. ^This is actually a good point. In the past, when I;ve tried talking face to face, its always been my fault. Always. Its me who has to change to fit into their idea of who I should be. This is not who I am, when I had my DS, I stopped trying to please anyone except him and my DH. I found some balls and let myself be me.
I think what you are actually saying is: We are all angry all of the time and pass the anger between each other like its a bomb about to explode. ^umm.....not sure where you got that from, I'm not angry, I'm hurt. Hurt for my DS mostly, he loved his cousins on the few occasions he met them. They talk about hate, I have genuinely never hated anyone. Its a very toxic emotion and an utter waste of energy. I'm hurt my own sisters who I have been there for, cannot even try and accept my DS or that I have a family and am happy. I dont need their blessing, but it would be nice for that sisterly support I showed them. Maybe I'm expecting too much.
I've had person centred counselling in the past which helped. It means I dont feed into the drama-they are very capable of creating drama and I've found it lovely to not be involved in their hate campaigns (yes they actually do this).
littledragon I'm sorry you were the invisible child also. Are you NC also? I've read a lot but nothing stops it hurting.
Thanks for your thoughts, I try so hard to be a 'good' person, a kind person and I'm very lucky to have my friends and parents and DH's support. I try to concentrate on that, sometimes tho I see a nasty spiteful comment and wonder if it really is all my fault like they say.
Sounds like you are the scapegoat sadly op. Your family sound very dysfunctional and one step away from all hating each other. The only thing that bonds them is ganging up on someone else.
Block them all in every way and just concentrate on those who support you and bring you happiness. Tell your mutual fb friends that you love your sisters but can't deal with their toxicity and you'd rather they didnt share anything your sisters say with you. Tbh they shouldn't be sharing such awful things and, if they agree you are in the right and being hurt, I would question why they are fb friends with your siblings.
Do block them all on everything. They're doing you no good, they will do you no need and have done you no good. Your son will be better not knowing them or his cousins, your dh will be happier not knowing them, you will be happier without them.
It will hurt less as time goes by.
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