Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

End of marriage??

(18 Posts)
Staceybrown1 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:36:18

I've been married to my husband for 3 years,we've got 2 year old son together and are on the brink of divorce.main reason I'm still hesitating to file for it is because of our son but I'd like some opinions as to whether this marriage is worth fighting for.
I think my husbands biggest strength is that he is fun to be with.unless we are arguing he's got light personality and makes you laugh.he also does whatever you tell him to do around the house and is generally quite hands on.he can also look after our son more or less well as long as you give him proper instructions on what to do lol.this is where it ends and I've listed all the 'cons' undersneath.
Likes expensive style of living that he can't afford.he earns decent salary but spends even more!i know he does pay bills but I just don't understand how can you rent very expensive house to live in,go pubs almost every night when you've got 25000 debt.the problem is I've got assets and should we divorce I may well end up paying for his debt which really freaks me out as I've got baby to think about and I can't earn the kind of money he does
Moving on,he drinks literally every evening.he tries to do it after I put baby to sleep but sometimes when he gets hacked off with me he doesn't care and I'm worried about what kind of example hel be as our son gets older which brings me onto third issue
His temper.if he doesn't agree with something he just walks out,slams the door and he is off to pub.before when he had hotel points through work he would leave me for the whole weekend with the baby.wev got no help and he used to be away mob- fri through work as it is which made it harder.he puts the phone down on me very often too if I question anything.
Also,we don't have any sex life,literally none.he stopped sleeping with me once I got pregnant.we had sex once during nine months of pregnancy and since then maybe 7/8 times in almost two years.
Sorry for the long email.its just so painful ending marriage no matter how sh..t it's been edoi jalopy when you've got child together and I wanted to know I've done everything I can.i haven't been perfect throughout our marriage.when baby was born I was grumpy at first due to lack of sleep .i gave to say though I practically raised him on my own

Staceybrown1 Sat 17-Sep-16 22:50:20

Also couple of times he threw something at me in temper in front of our DS,it was something small like a toy or telephone charger so didn't hurt but just the fact and can't remember him apologising either

Opentooffers Sat 17-Sep-16 22:58:00

This does sound like a miserable situation, I wonder how life was with him before your DS? Was his behaviour different then?
It sounds like he's hands on with domesticity when he's there, however, not there much.
Did you discuss the lack of sex during pregnancy? It seems there that he put you in a box marked 'Mum' and ceased to see you as a sexual being at that point.
There have been lots of issues that have dragged on for most of your marriage, if you have already tried to discuss how serious they are with him but it has fallen on deaf ears, there is no option but to tell him it's over. How he reacts to you ending it is telling.
On the up side, through his actions, you have learnt self-reliance and live with your DS largely independently already, so the step may not seem as huge as you think.

Opentooffers Sat 17-Sep-16 23:07:15

Angry outbursts are common with heavy drinking, as are other unpredictable moods. Also, probably reacting to being as miserable as you are in this as the situation.
Respect yourself, because he does not respect you, violence should always cross your boundaries.
Time to think of exit strategy, then try to calmly tell him its over.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sat 17-Sep-16 23:16:00

Have you told him how you feel? Have you spoken about the lack of intimacy?
How about counselling?
Do you think he wants to hurt you when he throws a charger at you? Do you feel that he is being violent?
After our first child our sex life dried up and it took a good while to get back to our prebaby state.
12 years on and 2 more kids we are very happy.
Communication is the key.
Voice your concerns and if things don't improve, then it's time to think of exit strategies.

Lumpylumperson Sat 17-Sep-16 23:57:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Sun 18-Sep-16 00:14:05

Ffs if he threw a teddy at you you'd leave?

tipsytrifle Sun 18-Sep-16 00:41:59

A phone charger is a hard object. An escalation from teddies. It is also, in either case, a projection of violent intent. That is worrying. What do you feel you'd like to do now OP? Talk with him? Do you still have a core of mutual love between you both - albeit the intimacy side seems to have left the building? Is this relationship recoverable, given everything else you describe? Are you frightened of him at all? Is it the finances that keep you where you are or are you daydreaming a life without him? A load of questions which you don't need to answer on here, of course.

Sn0tnose Sun 18-Sep-16 00:51:52

Ffs if he threw a teddy at you you'd leave? Yes, if he'd thrown anything at me whilst angry, I bloody would! It's not the weight of the item thrown, it's the fact that his temper has gotten so out of control that he's picked something up and launched it at me. I grew up with domestic violence, so perhaps my view is slightly skewed, but there is no way on earth I'd stay long enough to see what throwing something at me escalated into.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 18-Sep-16 01:38:38

Angry temper man with a drink problem is getting you deeper and deeper into debt and sometimes throws things at you when angry and drunk.

He can take care of the baby if you give him exact instructions.

Your main fault is that you got a bit grumpy when dealing with a new born with no help from him.

How exactly would you fight for this marriage? What fighting is he doing for the marriage?

Yayme Sun 18-Sep-16 03:50:35

You would be justified in leaving for just one of those things - heavy drinking, debt, temper, no sex. Put them altogether and I don't know why you are there.

NovemberInDailyFailLand Sun 18-Sep-16 04:03:06

If you were to improve your marriage, the alcoholism (yes) needs to be addressed first and foremost. There isn't any point trying to reason with him unless he becomes sober.

Lumpylumperson Sun 18-Sep-16 08:42:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Staceybrown1 Sun 18-Sep-16 22:00:25

Thank you so much for your responses.Ope roofers before DS he liked to drink but I'd say not as much and we had a healthy relationship,and well quite honestly I don't know what I was thinking but it somehow didn't concern me back then. In terms of sex,he said he just wouldn't do it with any pregnant woman.
sissyspacek I spoke to him about lack of intimacy so many times,for two years now his response is either when you stop moaning or ( on a good day) im tired.he also says the mood has to be right and obviously with baby in the house it's never quite right.actually to be fair I've been sleeping with DS as I was breastfeeding for a long time so he did blame it on that.did he want to hurt me when he threw charger at me?id say he did but it was more as if he just couldn't control his anger.
Tipsy finances are not an issue,in fact if I run away from from him I'd be mainly because of finances ie his debt,,it's because I'd like DS to have a I scared of him,that's a hard say before I did depend on him in some shape or form and I think he sensed any case I feel like I can't talk to him as the moment I start digging deeper during our conversation, and I actually talk calmly while he gets agitated very quickly,he puts the phone down or says oh forget it and walks away,or just shuts the door and goes to the pub.
I'd say he is a sick man,he does need help.he can have days without drinking but mostly it is every evening,sometimes just a few glasses sometimes loads,after about 8 o'clock.he doesn't drink anything during the day obviously otherwise he wouldn't have his just not sure I've got the energy to drag him out of it.sonetimes I think yes I should definitely divorce him and sometimes ,well maybe I should do more to help him.he used to be a kind person actually,fun to be with.i do feel sorry for him.i think we still have some sort of affection left between us like some kind of kind feeling for each other but then again the sort of 'jokes' he makes about me sometimes makes you I've got 'beady eyes', 'veiny hands', I'm a bag that needs throwing out when he was talking about some bag.did t refer to me directly but it was clear what he was implying from his smile and laughing afterwards.sorry very long message again.i does help so much when you write it all and thank you so much for all your comments

SandyY2K Sun 18-Sep-16 22:12:35

You need a 2 people to make a marriage work.

It doesn't sound like he's bothered or has any interest.

I'm suspecting he's having an affair (staying in the hotel and walking out /no sex) or he's a functioning alcoholic.

It sounds very bleak.

I'd find a way to protect those assets. Did you have them prior to the marriage?

category12 Sun 18-Sep-16 22:13:38

Get some legal advice, so you are sure where you stand financially.

I think you know you need to leave.

dlnex Sun 18-Sep-16 22:17:35

You sound very unhappy. It's not going to get easier to stay in a relationship with a husband who has issues with alcohol. Do what you want to do. Your son has the father he has got, far from perfect, show your son his Mum respects herself enough to make a sensible choice. This website has helped me understand the things that go on when someone in a family drinks

Staceybrown1 Mon 19-Sep-16 22:29:45

Got legal advice,we've been living at my property before marriage and a little bit after so he can potentially have a claim unless he agrees not to go after it in return for not paying me have to pay his debt though if hel want me partly still hoping for some sort of compassion on his part since he is earning loads and partly resigned myself to whatever will be will be.i know one thing for sure there's no way I'm getting married again!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now