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Husband no longer loves me

(23 Posts)
Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sat 17-Sep-16 19:15:24

I'm in my own personal hell.
Can't be arsed giving the whole backstory. Been together 11 years, have 2yr old DS and no affection/intimacy for the last 2.
Massive blowout last night: harks back to last year when I told him I was unhappy with lack of affection from both sides. We both promised we'd try as we get on really well, best friends blah blah blah.
Since then, I've tried initiating affection, showed him I care through little acts etc. nothing from his side.
He has said he's with me because of DS and because he "thinks" there's love still there. He's so detached from our relationship it physically hurts.
I'm so miserable and lonely. I don't want to be with someone who has to consider for 2 fucking days whether he loves me, but I do love him. I know we can be better, he just doesn't know if he has it in him to try.
If it ended, I'd be fine. Financially it would be horrific but I'll survive. God knows where we'd live. He's a great dad so DS will be fine whatever happens.
I just need him to make a decision either way. The waiting is killing me.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 17-Sep-16 19:18:25

I'm sorry, Hoppity. I personally wouldn't be waiting for him to make the decision, why is it his to make? You say that you'd be fine if it's over... so make it over and then you can grieve for your relationship and start making plans for your future.

He doesn't get to decide on a relationship that TWO people are in.

honeyroar Sat 17-Sep-16 23:53:53

Come on. No intimacy, he's not trying, despite you trying. He's not sure, he's keeping you hanging. You're miserable and lonely. You know you'd survive without him.... Go. You deserve someone who cares and works with you. You won't find anyone like that while you stay where you are. Put yourself and your son first. Not easy, I know.

chocoLit Sat 17-Sep-16 23:57:19

Make the decision for you then. You and your son. You can do this and you know you deserve better flowers

GinBunny Sun 18-Sep-16 00:05:28

I agree lovely, the decision is yours to make too.

LellyMcKelly Sun 18-Sep-16 04:32:08

OP, he's checked out of the relationship. He's not interested in it anymore. If he was, he'd be making the effort.

Penfold007 Sun 18-Sep-16 05:21:06

You don't need him to make a decision. Make your own decision.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sun 18-Sep-16 07:15:16

He says it would be silly not to try so we're going to.

I honestly don't know whether I'm just letting myself in for more misery. I can see what's going to happen-there will be a few weeks when he makes a small effort (occasional hugs etc. ) so I'll get my hopes up, then it will revert back to the way it is now.

But I have to try. I have to know that I did EVERYTHING I possibly could so that DS knows that it wasn't a flippant decision.

Starting relate next week. Maybe outside perspective will do us good.

Marilynsbigsister Sun 18-Sep-16 07:37:44

What happens when you initiate intimacy. ? Do you share a bed ? Does he rebuff you ?

TheOddity Sun 18-Sep-16 07:49:53

Can I go against the grain? We found first couple of years really really tough with DS. Babies and toddlers sucked all the joy out of our relationship. Then DS went to nursery, he got through the tantrums and slept better, and our relationship got back on track. The intimacy grew again from a cold hard little stub! So while leaving may be right for you, I am so so glad we stuck it out another year and a half as the difference was immense. Also I would give up doing acts of kindness if it's not being reciprocated as it will make you feel even more lonely, I'd just be enjoying little DS and waiting it out a year to see if it improves at all. Just not sure life with a two year old is representative of the next fifty/sixty years of marriage iyswim?

Cary2012 Sun 18-Sep-16 07:53:35

I was you six years ago.

I tried everything I could to fix my twenty year marriage to a man who was cold and detached, who told me he wasn't in love with me, but he still loved me. Then a few months later that he didn't love me but he cared for me.

He stonewalled me, belittled me, made fun of me, humiliated me, ignored me.

I stuck a year of this cruelty, was on ADs, lost too much weight, blamed myself, nearly had a breakdown. I made the massive mistake of taking on the responsibility of trying to fix our marriage on my own. He made no effort at all.

When, after a year of this I threw him out, I started to heal. I can honestly say the year post breakup was a hundred times better and easier than the year pre break up. I filed for divorce, my solicitor said I needed five incidents of unreasonable behaviour. I gave her a typed list of twenty five. I think I could have cited fifty if I'm honest. She used the top five on the list, read the rest and said I had suffered a year of emotional abuse.

It nearly broke me OP, please don't let it break you.

I should have thrown him out a year before I did. Yes I knew I had done everything I could to fix us, but the price I paid, mentally and physically was huge.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sun 18-Sep-16 07:55:10

There is no intimacy. I tried a few times but he didn't want to, so we didn't. My self-esteem is at an all time low so I'm not going to keep putting myself out there to be knocked back.
We still share a bed but I reckon that's out of necessity as we don't have a spare room.
I know his decision is based on the fact that the alternative is so difficult. He's thinking of DS and the difficulty of finding and affording a new home for himself.
He "thinks" there's a little love left. Jesus, how desperate must I be that I'm clutching onto someone who clearly feels nothing for me.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sun 18-Sep-16 07:56:48

I just never thought I'd be here.

12purpleapples Sun 18-Sep-16 07:59:13

I think that sometimes even if you can see what is going to happen (that it will be better for a few weeks and then get bad again), you still almost need to have that happen a few times just so that you feel certain that things aren't going to change overall.
Maybe it would be helpful for you to set a date in the future to reconsider this so that you don't waste too much time letting things drift if in 3 months time you find its gone back to being bad again?

Cary2012 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:01:54

My self esteem was at an all time low too love, that's what happens when your self respect is destroyed x

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sun 18-Sep-16 08:10:26

he keeps telling me that he wants me to be more confident and happy and that I shouldn't be looking to him for validation.
I am confident and happy in other areas of my life-work, friends etc. I can't be confident and happy within the relationship as I'm given nothing to feel happy about. How can I be confident when I'm rejected all the fucking time?
I tried not caring, doing my own thing, focusing on myself but that doesn't make him happy either.
I can't get it right. What he wants from me is unattainable because I'll never be what he wants.

My2favboys Sun 18-Sep-16 08:13:47

I agree stop the acts of kindness, don't go cold but putting yourself out there to be rejected is just making you feel worst. Hopefully relate will help him see how hurtful his behaviour is.
when was the last time you went out on a date together?

Cary2012 Sun 18-Sep-16 08:18:06

So stop trying to be what he wants, be what you want.

You know that you can't go on jumping through hoops.

You want it to work, he's checked out.

You need to take time to accept this, take control and tell him you've had enough.

You'll find the strength, you're strong underneath all the damage he's caused xx

painbadger Sun 18-Sep-16 08:25:24

Do you think your problems started when the baby was born - the dates you give match that. Sometimes people love their child but their feelings for their partner change - seen in mother role, overwhelmed by the responsibility etc. which causes problems.

The problem is he really needs to want to work on the marriage - you can't fix it all by yourself. Perhaps going to Relate will clarify things for you. What would it take to make you want to stay - lay it out and hold him to it. IME the partner not showing affection"just wants things to go back to normal" and doesn't actually want to put work in, they fail to grasp they did to bend over backwards and then some to save things.

lack of affection and lukewarm feelings really chips away at you.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sun 18-Sep-16 09:51:23

We went through a rough patch before DS because DH was so invested in me for his happiness-he never went out or did anything unless it was with me. He used to get angry if I went out.
It's like he's gone totally in the other direction. He's carved his own life an there's no room for me in it.

TheNaze73 Sun 18-Sep-16 12:23:56

I don't think he's interested op. He'd have made some kind of effort if he was.

BolshierAryaStark Sun 18-Sep-16 12:31:03

I'd certainly give the counselling a go then reevaluate, if nothing changes then it's time to walk away-don't let it reduce your self worth any more.

Hoppityfuckingvoosh Sun 18-Sep-16 12:37:05

Yep. It's beyond shit.
Hopefully marriage counselling will help. It's either going to shock us both into action, or make us realise there's nothing left.

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