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AIBU or am I being taken advantage of?

(10 Posts)
lydiar69 Sat 17-Sep-16 16:00:56

My husband and I both work full-time (our children are both at university). He works six days a week (he is self-employed). I am a full time teacher and this often involves me working extra hours in the evening and at weekends.
He is quite cagey about how much money he earns but it is clearly far more than I do as he is always buying himself presents, clothes, lunches out etc., trips away with the lads, whereas I am always struggling at the end of the month.
We both pay an equal amount into a joint account which pays for the mortgage, bills and food shopping.
If I suggest doing something together, he expects me to pay for both of us if it was my idea. He doesn’t often suggest going out but he will pay if we are doing something that was his suggestion (does that make sense!)
Because he works six days a week, he believes I should do all the housework and shopping on a Saturday. In addition, I do all the cooking, washing, ironing etc. When I said I would sometimes like him to cook, he just replied that I like cooking! Well I do, but I also like running, but don’t want to do it every day!
I just feel a bit taken for granted. I work really hard in a really stressful job but I feel like I am an unpaid housekeeper too. I also feel it’s a bit unfair that we are paying the same for all the household expenses when he earns far more than me.
However, please tell me if I am being an unreasonable old hag!

SparklesandBangs Sat 17-Sep-16 16:17:11

Yes you are being taken advantage of, we will be in the same position as you next year, except DH generally only works 5 days per week, with the occasional overseas trips that mean he works for 14 days straight.
I work full time in a professional capacity but only earn around a third of his salary. For the household bills and food we pay into the joint account a fixed amount based on our salary split. If we go out as a couple or on holiday then we split it 50/50 or take turns. If we take the DC with us for a treat he pays for them.

I've gone off cooking and he has discovered it on the last 5 years so he does more, but not every night and I make a tasty Sunday roast.

Housework was getting me down as I seemed to do the majority of it especially as he has worked a fair few weekends this year, so I organised a cleaner, to be paid out of the joint account.

There is no reason why you DH can't do his own washing and ironing, cook a couple of times a week (or pay for take away) and get a cleaner.

andalucia7868 Sat 17-Sep-16 16:19:43


He's obviously hiding something, and probably spending on OW. Get rid of him.

ImperialBlether Sat 17-Sep-16 16:20:09

I can't believe you still have separate money when you've children old enough to go to university. Why on earth wasn't that sorted earlier, eg when you got married or at the latest when you were pregnant?

And I don't think I'd want to take him with me if it meant I had to pay every single time when he earned so much more - I'd rather treat a friend than do that.

Do you like him? Do you get along together?

Madinche1sea Sat 17-Sep-16 16:37:23


As Imperial says, how is it possible that you are married and have raised two grown up children together, yet still have separate finances?

I just can't comprehend this at all. All this business of "I paid for this, now you pay for that". Why?? It's all one and the same, surely.

When the children needed things, how did you decide who paid for what?

I could put up with a lot of things, but not that kind of set up. What is the point of being married at all if you don't even trust each other enough to have joint accounts?

You're his wife, not his flatmate.

Madinche1sea Sat 17-Sep-16 17:27:45

There are 3 of the same threads started - you need to get rid of 2!

Cats1ife Sat 17-Sep-16 18:05:45

Another one who can't understand how you can maintain separate accounts in a marriage!!! I just can't see how this could work at all confused. It's highly insulting behaviour and you should never have accepted this arrangement in the first place. Sorry OP.

Nanny0gg Sat 17-Sep-16 22:10:45

You are a housekeeper, except you're not getting any wages.

He's having a laugh and you've been a mug.

Does he have any good points?

Sn0tnose Sun 18-Sep-16 00:34:48

So he wants you to do all the household chores because he works eight hours a week than you do, but he expects you to contribute exactly half to the household expenses, even though he earns more?

No, that would not be working for me. He's taking the piss.

Stop doing everything in the house and present him with a list of chores that he is now responsible for. As he's so keen on everything being totally equal, despite different working circumstances, he can start doing 50% of the housework. You don't benefit from his decision to work an extra day by being able to contribute a proportionate share, so why should you do 100% of the jobs? (not that you should do 100% even if you did benefit from him working).

RunRabbitRunRabbit Sun 18-Sep-16 00:45:41

You pay half of the bills even though you have less income to call on.

He does none of the housework because he has less time to call on.

Do you see the disparity?

Either he does 50% of the housework or he pays 100% of the bills. No other arrangement gives parity.

He is taking the piss. You are letting him take the piss.

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