Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Confused and tired, do I continue(23 Posts)
Hi and thank you for reading, any advice is very welcome.
Where do I begin? My partner and I have been together for just over a 15 months now and for the most we have been very happy. So much so we moved in together, got engaged, then sold our homes and bought a new house. Wow, yes, fast, but everything was so very good. Yes, there were a few problem areas but we worked through them, but they were more about expectations in the bedroom and not being honest.
Anyway up to date, everything going well and we move into a new house in a different location to where my partner has lived in the past. Same for me but she grew up 10 minutes away and that’s where her parents still live. Whilst mine are over an hour away and I moved 30 miles to be with her.
Then things started going wrong. She became very depressed with the house set up. It wasn’t what she expected or felt she wanted. However I did ask if she was sure about the house and the answer was always yes before we signed the papers. I tried to support her but found it hard as I had never been in the position before. We started arguing and she moved out of the main bedroom. Then a week later she turns around all happy and says that the relationship isn’t what she is, that she had been accommodating all along and now it was to change. She stated that she no longer wanted the house and wanted to have a family. I am like OK lets see how this goes as this is a big turn around. My concern here is that she was sure about the house and then turned 180. Not so easy to do so with a child!
Time moves on, we argue again and she says things like, I don’t want a child with you, you are too immature. You are not good enough for me. Then she will say I’m too boring and too serious! I take these comments on the chin and carry on, but hurting inside.
I notice that she then starts getting very secretive about her phone and computer. She joins her old gym, which she slated and left 4 months previously, and says openly get over it, I do as I want and if I meet someone there then so be it! We argue more.
A week later we are ok again and booking weekend away on her laptop. An email comes in from a dating site saying we miss you. She says its from an old site, before we got together. I note the address before she deletes it. Next day I sign up with false account and find her profile online, single looking for a relationship with pictures. I confronted her and she explained she did it as she was craving attention from other men, but not from me!
We had another bust up this week as I pointed out that I was always the one who started text messages. She spent the next hour telling me how immature and how I’m not husband material. Also said that she had been flirting with a couple of guys!
So now what do I do. I do love her but feel like she’s a completely different person and the whole relationship has been a lie. We can’t easily sell the house as it’s a new build and will take a while but its on the market. She is 41 and I am 49. I have been married twice, both lasted over 9 years whilst she has never.
I just don’t know what to do. I am a very passionate person and very affectionate. I wear my heart on my sleeve and this doesn’t sit well with her. When we argue, its always my fault, I can never say im not happy about something as im seen as needy or insecure.
Any help most welcome, thanks again and sorry for the war and peace.
Hope you're ok? Sounds like she wants out or at the very least doesn't know what she wants! Must be really draining living in such a roller coaster relationship every day. So what if you wear your heart on your sleeve-don't change that and it's unfair for that to be used against you. Is the house in joint names, could it be rented out while the market picks up? Hope your looking after yourself as you sound very very involved in her head and emotions, so hope you're looking out for your own too
This is her problem you've done your best. She obviously has a problem I'm surprised how immature she is at 41. You need to be civil but realize this isn't going to work out. Focus on your work and keeping the house in order so it shows to buyers well. Make sure it's priced right and take any offer seriously even if it means not making any money from the sale. You need to make all arrangements you can to leave. She knows she is causing turmoil but doesn't care. I wish you luck.
No, you don't continue. I'm sorry but this relationship sounds dead in the water. Go your separate ways and find someone who wants to be with you.
Thankyou Oiloiloilgob. Im coping but just dont know where I stand. I have held back on being OTT with emotions and affections with her. Happens only on her terms. The whole relationship seems, to me, very one sided.
Yes the house is in both names but we cant rent for legal reasons.
You sound so caring and passionate
Are you sure she is what you want as it sounds like she is being very insensitive and hurtful.
Maybe find out where you stand legally before working out the intricacies of the relationship as you will be able to work out what you want and where you stand?
If you do end up arguing about the house etc, you won't stand for any crap as you'll know your rights.
Big question is 'is this what you want in your relationship'?
No probs, I feel for you it sounds so sad and depressing for your mind. The above post is great though-keep the house in order and don't be choosy about offers! You need to be separate and I hope you can see that-it's really bad to see that you hold back your feelings/emotions. Far better to be on your own or eventually with someone who respects you because unfortunately she doesn't. Can you up the amount of agents who can try and sell the house? Please don't put up with it though, it'll destroy you in the end. She sounds really childish, let her crack on with whatever/whoever and work on building yourself back up
thankyou all for your support. I feel the positive and constructive comments are helping me.
I still want to be with her but its hard
As I was reading I thought, 'she must be really young', amazed that she isn't.
She sounds extremely needy and hard work and obviously immature.
I think I'd walk away and find someone who deserves me, if I was you OP
If you still want to be with her then your boundaries are fucked. Try the freedom programme perhaps, men can do it too. She's not good for you.
It's not you, it's her.
FGS do not marry her: she's playing such horrible mind games with you.
Can you move out whilst you're trying to sell the house?
I too thought she was very young and was amazed to find out she's 41.
You haven't been with this woman very long and already the relationship is going wrong because she doesn't know what she wants. She also sounds a little bit spiteful and immature. The best thing you can do is to keep the relationship as amicable as possible and sell the house and move on. It's not easy but by the sound of it you would both be better off going your separate ways.
One last thing. Don't let her trick you into having unprotected sex before you split up because by the sound of it she wants a baby.
She sounds unstable with her behaviour and doesn’t seem to know what she wants.
Can you imagine this changing?
I think you already know the answer but just hope it will get better. I know from bitter experience that hope doesn't make a partner change.
thank you once again. I was beginning to believe it was all down to me and me being the one wanting to know where i stood in the relationship. Things keep being brought up which we sorted many many months ago.
No I cant move out and so stuck.
We talked about the future, renting seemed the right way then in a post on this site she stated that she doesnt want this either.
I too was surprised that she's 41. She sounds like a right crank!
You only get one life, why spend it with someone who just puts you down, causes drama and makes you unhappy?
You deserve better, do what you need to do to distance yourself and create a happy life for yourself....
everyone, many thanks for all your positive messages. I have now ended the relationship and now need to focus on me. The house will continue to be an issue until its sold, but at least i can be myself again. Thank you all once again
Hi triffle81 and well done on this first step of sticking up for yourself and looking after your own physical and mental wellbeing! How are you doing?
This has gone to hell pretty damn quick. Glad you are out of it. She's 41,and never been married, ,and you haven't mentioned her previous relationships which tends to suggest she's very high maintenance and used to getting her own way. Not marriage material I'm afraid. It's tough in the trenches. Flakes need not apply. Good luck.
Well done Truffle, this woman sounds awfully selfish and you can do so much better. You sound a right catch and will find someone who deserves you when you feel ready to date again. Good luck x
Good for you OP, there is a better life for you out there....big hug xxx
Well done, the legal side is an aspect that you will need to learn, but I'm sure that soon enough you'll feel a sense of freedom and make your life a happy one. Nobody deserves to be sad or upset in a relationship.
Get out there now and enjoy your new life!
sorry that it ended, but congrats for sticking up for yourself!
I was so shocked when I read she was 41! I thought she must be in her 20s (and I'm in my 20s so I know what I'm talking about )
She sounds like she has some issues re attention-seeking... There really was nothing you could do unless she wants to tackle those issues herself.
It's good you're taking your time to figure yourself out, and maybe next time take things a bit slower, you never know what a person is really like that early on (and I am talking from bitter experience)
Hope you're feeling better
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.