Can MN give me a good retort to 'I know I could make you want it If you gave me the chance to turn you on'

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm slowly but surely making my way out of a damaging relationship and until resently had been gaining strength to say no to sex I didn't want. I managed to achieve this more or less if it's been a 'right lets fuck' type thing without foreplay. An argument that completely floors me every time however is the one I outlined in the OP. How are you meant to respond to that? I really struggle to respond to it without his feelings being hurt and tempers rising. What sort of partner turns down the offer of the other partner turning them on?

It's like I'm not even giving him a chance to show me that he might change my mind. Is it possible that sometimes you just don't want someone to try and turn you on because you're just too tired and not in the mood and feeling unattractive or is that just being stubborn and selfish to not even let them try?

[OnionKnight]

'Fuck off' is a perfectly acceptable response.

[TallulahTheTiger]

A good mumsnet ODFOTTFSOF and when you get there fuck off some more.

[DoinItFine]

Damn it, Onion got there first.

[GiddyGiddyGoat]

You can say no to sex anytime anywhere - and you don't need a reason - just that you don't want to! Otherwise "Fuck Off and leave me alone" might be needed...

[Shallishanti]

yup
fuck off is just what I was going to say
and if that doesn't work, ask yourself why

[TempusEedjit]

This reminds me of that cup of tea analogy video that gets linked to occasionally, anyone know the one I mean?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

So, you've previously, in this relationship, had sex that you didn't want with this person?

I'm delighted to hear you are making plans to leave, how are they going?

Suspect that your partner needs a MN intervention - but, for now, how about "I really can't, I'm having terrible cramps, you know, women's troubles"
And then kind of double up going "ouch, ouch, ouch"?

Am assuming your partner doesn't know much about female sexual responses.

Sincerely hope you'll be able to leave soon, this is not a good situation, am very glad you can see that. You've spoken to women's aid? Surely?

[annandale]

Depends how much of a row you want.

Past experience suggests otherwise' would be pretty much the end I think.

'What makes you think that?' is a bit less aggressive but just as terminal really.

I wonder if perhaps it would be better to just say 'I don't love you any more' and leave?

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

Oh, to answer your question, yes ,that's possible, and quite normal.

You are not a receptacle for his jizz.

Please don't think that you are obliged to have sex because of his anger, his needs, his feelings, his need to show you that he can turn you on.

TBH, my own vagina has shrivelled like a prune when reading your post.

You don't need to put up with this.

[KickAssAngel]

You don't have to want sex, and you're allowed to be stubborn about it for no good reason at all. No means no. End of.

Anyone who doesn't accept that wants to coerce/persuade/force you, and that's rape.

[PickAChew]

Fuck off, Tosser, should be sufficient.

Or just No. No really should be enough. "No, I don't want to have sex with you" if they need things explaining a bit more closely.

[PickAChew]

And to be clear, you don't have to let anyone try. Ever.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

"I don't want to give you the chance. I'm not in the mood for being persuaded. What you're offering is what I'm saying no to."

[ALaughAMinute]

He can't turn you on. You're in a damaging relationship, why are you still with him? Tell him to fuck off and leave!

[TemporarilyLost]

Of course 'fuck off' would be the ideal fantasy response (the sort you say in your head) and God knows I've screamed it in my head enough times before! But what I need is a good explanation of why I don't need to be told that I could be shown I want sex if only he'd have the chance IYSWIM. But without being outright nasty of argumentative. I really don't want a row.

Yes I've been in regular contact with women's aid and sometimes they're helpful, sometimes not. I'm not staying with him for much longer I hope but that's another thread altogether.
I just can't give a well thought out yet sensitive answer to the question 'why can't you let me turn you on?' It really is my blind spot.

[MephistoMarley]

'I don't want you to try to turn me on because 1- I'm not mentally aroused so I know I don't want to have sex and 2- I will not enjoy your attempts to turn me on because of 1. I'm not in the mood for sex, full stop'

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

"With the way I feel right now, I know I won't be able to relax and enjoy it no matter how good you are."

The old it's not you it's me. Which is actually true. He wants sex. You don't, now you've realised the relationship is damaging you.

There's also "No, you wouldn't, not tonight."

"We will just end up getting cross with each other when I tell you to stop because I'm not getting into it."

"No, I'm not anywhere near the right mood. You'd best have a wank."

What would happen if you let him try and you weren't enjoying it? How would you tell him to stop and how would he react?

[howtofixme]

Because I don't want you to (turn me on) now do change the subject before one of us gets upset.

[ALaughAMinute]

Why do you want a well thought out sensitive answer when you're in a damaging relationship with a man who doesn't turn you on? You've even gone so far as to contact WA so I can only assume he's abusing you. Do yourself a favour and get out!

[TemporarilyLost]

thank you, all good suggestions.
Whenever I turn him down its with a mood defusing laugh, smile or hug which can go full circle to him thinking I do want it after all. Why can't 'no thanks and I appreciate you want to have sex with me' just mean exactly that even if it's said nice and affectionately ffs.

[TemporarilyLost]

laugh because I care about his feelings and want to let him down gently. I am getting out but nothing is instant.

[DoreenLethal]

A good retort? What are you a comedian and he the local heckler?

If he doesnt respect you then get out of that relationship for fucks sake.

[TemporarilyLost]

I just want to keep my response light but to the point and in arguable. That's what I meant by retort.

[SleepFreeZone]

I just say no. Works every time!

[PickAChew]

If he cared about your feelings, he wouldn't pester you for sex that you don't want.

You do not owe him any explanation.