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Career loss, resentment and a possible solution???

(9 Posts)
sananbaz Fri 16-Sep-16 21:06:34

When I met dh he was in a dead end job with few qualifications. With support and encouragement, he became a mature student and got his degree. Almost immediately after graduating, we had our ds and I took maternity leave. Due to ds' ill health, I've spent 9 years taking any jobs that fitted with childcare. Dh has spent 9 years working his way into what he always wanted to do - but it's been a long struggle of temporary jobs/shitty pay etc. Each time we were struggling, I offered to return to my career, started looking/applying but then he would sort something out. This year, he finally got a permanent job doing what he's always wanted to do, but I'm going stir crazy! I still work part time, but can't return to my profession whilst juggling childcare. I'm limited to hours/location etc and I'm finding it hard to cope. My self esteem is in my boots and I'm getting depressed about it. I've spoken to dh and he knows how I feel (it's come up many times over the years, but he was always best placed to work full time due to my ill health and that of ds). He has said I can go back to work full time and he'll resign. But....he will have similar issues finding work around school hours, just as I have. The childcare options are few around where we live - believe me I've tried! So although he has said it's okay, I know he will start to resent me for ending his dream job. I don't think my need for a career should trump his, but I'm at a loss to think how to resolve this. I feel trapped and like I'm suffocating - I can't do this for another 10 years, when the youngest will be old enough to come home alone).
DH job won't consider part time/job share and to get back into my career, ideally, I need to do fulltime with shifts on a rota. If I wait ten more years, I'm unlikely to get back into it, and I'll be too old anyway sad
So how can I rectify this situation without either of us being resentful of the other? Is that even possible?? I don't know if our marriage will survive as it is right now sad

HeddaGarbled Fri 16-Sep-16 21:20:15

Could you afford a nanny if you went back to work full time?

Quodlibet Fri 16-Sep-16 21:27:44

It seems a bit all-or-nothing at the moment, which might be because you are already so resentful you can't conceive of a workable compromise. It seems a bit ridiculous of him to claim that he will resign, but is unable to consider going part time or reducing hours - that's not very flexible. Likewise, you say ideally you need to go back full time - but is there a compromise situation where you go back for a couple of shifts a week?
Can you move to somewhere with more childcare options?

sananbaz Fri 16-Sep-16 21:32:12

I have considered it and looked on agency websites, but having used a variety of childcare over the years, we've been let down alot. I would consider it if it was someone I knew or personal recommendation, but I struggle with the idea of a stranger being trusted with my children (complex health issues). I've yet to find anyone willing and able to want the job! Thank you for the suggestion, maybe I do need to give this better consideration.

sananbaz Fri 16-Sep-16 21:39:18

You're right quodlibet, I am very resentful already and am struggling to see it clearly. I've spent so long wanting to be good at motherhood and doing what's best for everyone else, that I've not acknowledged my own needs. I do think I've ended up in this situation due to my own inaction. I do need to explore flexible working more (although it's dh employers that have vetoed part time for him). Thank you

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 16-Sep-16 22:11:12

Call his bluff. You start applying for full time jobs and he starts preparing to resign.

I bet he suddenly finds that part time and jobshare are actually possible after all.

If he does actually have to be the SAHD for a while then that's OK isn't it? You need to rebuild your career and the longer you wait the harder it gets. You were willing to sacrifice a bit of money for him to train and find his feet so surely that can happen again for you.

You never know, he might find great childcare as he comes at it with fresher eyes and a keen desire to get back to work himself.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 16-Sep-16 22:13:05

There are other employers for DH though aren't there? Also plenty of employers who veto part time change their minds when you proffer your resignation. I've seen that happen many times.

Sellingyesterdaysnews Fri 16-Sep-16 22:16:27

Why couldn't you get a nanny if you will then both be working

sananbaz Fri 16-Sep-16 22:33:21

Rabbit, it's funny you should say that - we've just talked again and apparently other colleagues (different departments) already work part time and/or flexibly! He's going to talk to his boss.....
He also now is showing an interest In getting a nanny, so I've just emailed an old acquaintance who used to be a nanny to see if she knows anyone.
Is this the power of mn? This is the most progress I've made in years grin

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