Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm in trouble

(12 Posts)
Muckyduck Fri 16-Sep-16 19:38:27

Name changed for this because if he read it he'd be devastated.

I'm beginning to think I neither really love nor fancy DH any more and I feel utterly terrible about it.

We have been together 18 years and have 2 DCs.

When we met, I was in an abusive relationship and he showed me how good men should treat the person they love. I left that relationship, we got together pretty quickly and we were happy and in love for so many years. There were ups and downs that we survived but about 8 years ago, I started to wonder if I loved him anymore.

He's a good, kind man. A good husband and father but has zero motivation or ambition. I drive absolutely everything, he doesn't care where we go on holiday, I earn much more money, I decide what we are doing at the weekend. You get the picture.

His very presence has started to irritate me and I definitely don't want to have sex with him. I try to avoid it where possible and kissing him feels like kissing my brother. My sex drive is otherwise fine, I have crushes occasionally and self service when necessary.

I once joked to a friend that if I didn't have a crush I felt dead inside and now I'm beginning to wonder if having that charge was the only way I could keep our sex life going.

I feel like such a shit. I do love him but not in the way I did. I like and respect him but am wondering a) if I can get past this and b) is it fair? Shouldn't he have someone who adores and appreciates him?

I don't feel desired at all, sex is so perfunctory though he's technically skilled. It's scheduled in but always has been lower down his priority list. He once walked out of a room when I walked in for an entire week to avoid having sex with me. I can try and flirt but am met with nothing.

I think part of the problem is we have both changed so much. I am healed, I'm not broken like I was when we first got together. Then, I was attracted to his gentleness and kindness, over the years I have come to realise that he is actually very passive with little passion for anything other than computer games. I want to live life to the full and see the world. I want some passion in a partner.

He has also gained massive amounts of weight and become lazier. He's always saying he should lose weight and we've approached it from the health angle but he can't be arsed and keeps getting bigger.

I know there are people with serious problems and this is so minor in comparison so I'm sorry. I also know how shallow I sound.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has ever been in this situation before I consider throwing a grenade into the lives of those I love? Did you come out the other side?

Hotwaterbottle1 Fri 16-Sep-16 19:54:02

I could have written this and in all honesty it got worse & worse. We have now separated but are living together for now until we can sort things financially.

Losingtheplod Fri 16-Sep-16 19:58:32

I think you know what you need to do OP. You are not doing anyone any favours by carrying on with this relationship. Both you and your DH deserve better.

Muckyduck Fri 16-Sep-16 21:01:01

Thanks for responding.

He does love me, I know he does. He tells me every day and will do anything for me but I'm just feeling like our fundamental personality differences and drivers are going to be a killer blow. We don't communicate well when it comes to the bad stuff, we never have so I'm feeling as though I need to give him chance to help us fix it.

But I don't know if I want that and don't want to prolong the agony and give him false hope.

I'm also ahead of the game which also feels unfair. I've been using the work counselling service to talk this through and he hasn't had chance to do that. A few years ago I had an emotional affair which I confessed to immediately, ceased all contact etc but I don't think was ever properly dealt with. He wanted to forgive me and forget all about it and I was just grateful he did. Now I'm thinking it was a major warning of how I was actually feeling deep down. We tried to reconnect, have dates etc and it's all just lost momentum and slid away again.

I need to collect my courage for a very difficult and painful conversation. It's a mess.

PushingThru Fri 16-Sep-16 21:11:55

Ach, it's hard - he probably feels unloved too. 💐 for decisions you'll need to make x

Dowser Fri 16-Sep-16 21:14:32

It does sound a bit dead op.

Have you asked yourself how life would look without him in it?

RandomMess Fri 16-Sep-16 21:18:41

Telling him that you are unhappy enough to end it may give him the motivation to actually change, to realise he can't take the marriage for granted he has to work at it too.

If he doesn't then it really is the end of the road sad

Hassled Fri 16-Sep-16 21:22:29

If you ended the marriage, do you think you're the type of people who could salvage a friendship out of it? Because if that's possible (and it sounds like you do have a platonic love for each other) that would be a perfect solution. His avoidance of sex makes me wonder if he's feeling similarly to you.

Muckyduck Fri 16-Sep-16 22:15:30

Dowser yes, On many occasions. I have thought about the logistics, who would move out, what we would do regarding the children, what the finances would look like, the lot. We don't ever argue though and just run along quite nicely, it would be a hell of a shock for the DCs sad

He is out tonight (for the first time in forever) and I just feel lighter. I go out all the time, he never goes anywhere.

Hassled I would really like to think so. I bear him no ill will whatsoever and I love him for being the father of my children and all we have shared. He may hate me though. He doesn't like change at the best of times.

Goingtobeawesome Sat 17-Sep-16 06:39:19

It doesn't sound like he would do anything for you if you've told him you'd like him more involved, more proactive, more fit..

I had a moment years ago when I wondered if I loved DH anymore as I'd has reminders of an ex and it confused me. Ten years later DH are still together.

user1471470055 Sun 25-Sep-16 10:12:52

I feared that this is what my DP has felt toward me. I've of course seen it in other relationships. The truth is I would never forgive her for just having 'settled' for me - it would be like having my life stolen. Sometimes things feel just muted - connecting superficially. But that is why it's never really spoken about I guess. I'd leave and never look back.
Bu it's just not fair. You need to tell him what he isn't being or doing for you. At least then he can start to look at himself ask questions honestly, and decide whether he wants to become a better man, with or without you in his life.
At least in your case your feelings have changed as you have become more confident in yourself while he has drifted. But it is cruel to starve someone of what they might have with someone else and pretend everything is ok. I feel sorry for both of you and I think relationship counselling might really help.

callycat1 Sun 25-Sep-16 10:14:58

Sorry for not towing the party line but do you think you'd be happier without him? Not just you but all of you?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now