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DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

(312 Posts)
confused0086 Fri 16-Sep-16 10:49:03

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

conscientioussuicidee Fri 16-Sep-16 10:53:08

So he wants you to quit and not him.
Whilst you pay for the cigarettes anyway.

What's his logic ?

BaronessEllaSaturday Fri 16-Sep-16 10:53:34

Yes he will hurt you again. He is a controlling abusive bastard. He is controlling you by telling you to stop smoking while he continues to do so. It is your choice to stop or not, he isn't even being subtle about being abusive. Please report him to the police for assault and leave him.

LIZS Fri 16-Sep-16 10:53:56

Is he controlling in other ways?

MoreCoffeeNow Fri 16-Sep-16 10:56:00

Get out while you can. This is just the beginning.

TheLegendOfBeans Fri 16-Sep-16 10:57:37

The fags aren't the issue here.

His simmering anger and seeming inability to not express it physically is.

You know fine what the bloody answer is. You know.

ThatStewie Fri 16-Sep-16 10:57:59

He will hurt you again. He will keep hurting you and the assaults will get more violent.

His behaviour is classic for a controlling abusive man. He won't change because men who behave like this believe they have the right to do so.

You deserve better than this. You deserve a man who loves you for you - who doesn't control you or hurt you.

Iamdobby63 Fri 16-Sep-16 10:59:53

I agree he is controlling and abusive. He controls you by telling you what you have to do and then when you don't he physically abuses you. I hope you realise just how bad BOTH those things are.

You weren't being childish, don't take this on board that it is in any way your fault. Please.

MostlyHet Fri 16-Sep-16 11:00:04

Leave. He's a controlling violent bastard. He wants to force you to quit smoking while continuing to do so himself? Controlling. Twists your wrist - violent.

Post on legal, I believe that the process for ending a marriage when it's less than a year old is slightly different (possibly easier?) than a marriage of longer standing.

Grumpyoldblonde Fri 16-Sep-16 11:00:47

Run, don't look back and really, don't have children with this man

RiceCrispieTreats Fri 16-Sep-16 11:01:08


You know this in your gut, which is why you are asking here.

JinkxMonsoon Fri 16-Sep-16 11:01:46

He doesn't want to have a wife that smokes but he can do what he likes?

And then he assaulted you?

Big red flags.

I'm not sure you truly knew him before you got married. Either that, or he's decided to become controlling now that you're married and he "owns" you.

Run. And please don't get pregnant by him.

confused0086 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:02:48

well pretty unanimous so far...he has never shown any signs of controlling behaviour or aggression before, this has completely horrified me. We're not in the U.K right now, I don't trust the police here. My Dad hit me and my Mum for years, I will never put up with that. He knows that. It's just so out of character I'm so confused. I want to believe it's a one off. I was hoping to hear that. But I think I would be kidding myself.

confused0086 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:05:23

I thought I knew him 100%. But people say you can't truly know someone until you live with them and I guess that's right. How embarrassing to end my marriage after 3 months. I can't believe it

Iamdobby63 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:05:27

So it was long distance until you got married or did you live together before then? Have you moved to his country?

confused0086 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:06:54

Its his home country and my parents home country. I was raised in the U.K.

doji Fri 16-Sep-16 11:06:57

He's a sexist bully. This will not change, so yes he will hurt you again, as he fundamentally believes it is his right to tell you what to do and will get angry with you if you don't comply.

BaronessEllaSaturday Fri 16-Sep-16 11:10:45

.he has never shown any signs of controlling behaviour or aggression before but he did, him being adamant that you had to stop smoking is controlling, you can dress it up as concern for a persons health or looking to the future and children but when you tell someone to do something instead of asking then you are trying to control them.

ShotsFired Fri 16-Sep-16 11:11:53

confused086 My Dad hit me and my Mum for years, I will never put up with that.

I'm afraid you just have. Because otherwise it would mean you think there is an acceptable "limit" of violence/assault that he has yet to breach, and that is crazy.

SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies Fri 16-Sep-16 11:12:27

I want to believe it's a one off. I was hoping to hear that. But I think I would be kidding myself .

Yes my lovely, you would be kidding yourself, you truly would.
So far he has:
* controlled your behaviour by both sulking and by telling/shouting at you as to what you can and cannot do.
*Physically assaulted you.

Please, please do NOT, whatever you do have children with this man. It WILL get worse from that moment on.

Leave this man, leave this marriage, and spend your life happy and safe from harm, safe from him.

Good luck flowers

JinkxMonsoon Fri 16-Sep-16 11:13:41

Are there cultural issues at play here, that make him believe that he has the right to set the "rules" now that you're married?

Iamdobby63 Fri 16-Sep-16 11:13:59

No one can say if it's a one off but what you know for sure is that he is capable of physical aggression.

Ignoring how the cigarettes are purchased did you think it was ok him telling you that you had to give up? That he can tell you what he expects you to do?

MostlyHet Fri 16-Sep-16 11:14:41

Oh Confused, I realise you must really want someone to tell you that (my sister spent 20 years in an abusive marriage, I've seen at close quarters how desperately strong that urge to believe that they will magically turn into a decent, caring man can be). But he's not going to change - this is who he is. flowers Please get out of this situation. Don't do what my sister did - 20 years of her life down the drain.

ijustwannadance Fri 16-Sep-16 11:17:20

Are the women in his home country expected to obey?
If he wanted a non smoking wife he should've married one. It will get worse if you have children with him.

60sname Fri 16-Sep-16 11:17:44

I have never posted this before but: get out now; run for the hills!

There is no way this behaviour isn't going to escalate.

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