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I think my husband is lying to me

(21 Posts)
Jumpingbunny Thu 15-Sep-16 17:06:09

I think my husband is lying to me about smoking. When I met him 13 years ago he smoked quite heavily but then he told me he had decided to give up - I didn't pressurise him at all. He had a couple of relapses which he hid from (his lying caused a few problems) but it really seemed that for the last 10 years he had given up.

In March he leaned over in a shop and an e-cigarette fell out his pocket. He said he'd started vaping when we were having our house extended the year before because he was stressed. I told him that he shouldn't have kept it from me and that if he was stressed he should have talked to me about it. I asked if he'd smoked and he promised he hadn't. I then did something I shouldn't have done and I went through his work bag. I found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't say anything but checked again the next day and that packet had gone and there was a new one in there. I confronted him and he swore that he had found them and just put them in his bag (he works somewhere where people are always leaving things behind so it's not implausible that he did actually find them.) He promised me again he wasn't. I told him that him lying to me would be much worse than finding out he was smoking. Again he said he was telling me the truth.

Then I found a pack of tobacco - again he said found it and kept to give to one of his friends etc.

In the car a few days ago the subject of smoking came up and my son said "but daddy smokes" I asked him where he'd seen him smoking and he said on holiday. Again my husband denied he was smoking and I obviously didn't want to interrogate my 4 year old so left it. My suspicions were raised so I checked his work bag again today and found tobacco.

I know he must be lying to me - it's making me feel like I'm crazy. He seems so sincere when he is denying it. My trust in him is wrecked and it's starting to effect our marriage (and I'm acting like a crazy person and going through his stuff - I never thought that I'd be the type of person to do that.)

I've found some testing kits online which can detect nicotine in a persons system - I really want to get them and ask him to do one to prove once and for all if he is smoking because this situation is seriously messing up my head. Would that be an awful thing to ask him to do?

adora1 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:11:32

Nobody find that many cigarettes or tobacco, of course he is smoking but it's the lying that would kill me.

You need to wise up to the fact that he is SMOKING, you don't need a test.

There's something seriously wrong in the relationship if he is lying and you are wondering about testing him, it's pretty obvious he's lying OP.

And, yes, I am a smoker.

bikerlou Thu 15-Sep-16 17:11:44

I think you are being far too severe on him, as an ex smoker I think smoking is as addictive as heroin and just as hard to give up.
It took me around 100 attempts to give up and to be able to manage stress without them and yes that included lying to my husband because I just couldn't handle the grief I'd get - he has always been a non smoker.
If my husband had searched through all my stuff and and got a testing kit my faith in him would be destroyed and I'd have probably left him for being too controlling.You can't do that to a partner, being controlling is far worse than his lying.
I gave up around 15 years ago and only just class myself as a permanent non smoker.

Let him get on with it and he will give up when he is ready.

Ineededtonamechange Thu 15-Sep-16 17:15:28

I did this (I didn't have kids at the time) because my DH hated me smoking and didn't understand that it was hard to give up (never smoked)

Lying to you is obviously wrong, but are you making it impossible for him to own up to it, making him feel like a bad person because he smokes? By his logic he smoked when he met you and you should accept him for who he is/what he wants to do?

If you made it clear that you would just like the truth and you weren't going to demonise him for struggling with an addiction you might get further and it might improve the trust/communication.

Ineededtonamechange Thu 15-Sep-16 17:16:32

(Ps - in the end I did give up of my own accord. It is much less stressful if you don't have someone on your back nagging.)

gamerchick Thu 15-Sep-16 17:17:14

I think personally I would dump my partner for being that controlling and feeling the need to lie. Tell him if he's going to smoke not to lie about it. Then leave him alone.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards Thu 15-Sep-16 17:29:48

DH was an on/off smoker for years.

He promised me he had quit. We were very skint and he'd had a health scare. I found fags and a lighter hidden in the boot of the car when I went shopping and was absolutely furious.

Outside the shop there was a group of women having a fag on their break - I took the fags over to them and asked if they wanted them: they nearly took my hands off. Then I rang DH and told him what I'd done, and said if he bought any more I would kill him.

I think it may have been an over-reaction but it seemed to work.

thenewaveragebear1983 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:36:09

Giving up smoking is hard. If he's told you he's quit and is now a secret smoker you can guarantee that he feels pretty shitty about it and would probably give anything to stop. You going through his stuff and nagging him and trying to nicotine test him will probably just make him more secretive and feel even more shitty about the fact he can't manage to quit. It took me years of failed attempts and 3 pregnancies to finally quit for good and even now after 20 months I still think about cigarettes at least a few times a week.

OurBlanche Thu 15-Sep-16 17:41:01

Take him to your nearest vape bar and encourage him to try the kits.

If he can't quit but has had an e-cig before then bringing it out into the open and legitimising, for him, it will be his frst step to being able to rationalise his way to quitting - if/when/how he wants to!

Your being angry and his being sneaky is not a good mix. He needs to be honest and you need to be bolshy strong one more time.... "I know you are so lets stop dancing around it... what do you want to do about it? Right let's get that done!"

You can be as angry as you like about the lying and secrecy, he needs to take that on board. But try not to be angry or disappointed about the smoking itself. It is an horrendous addiction and the smoker really has to want to quit or any attempt is doomed - and eventually becomes a self fulfilling prophecy!

kaitlinktm Thu 15-Sep-16 17:47:08

If he is smoking regularly I am surprised you can't smell it on him and on his clothes.

My ex was truly addicted to smoking - he gave up loads of times - but I always knew when he had re-started because I could smell it. I didn't use to say anything because the fact that he wasn't supposed to be smoking did curtail the habit a bit - and I didn't have to put up with him smoking in the house/car (I am an asthmatic) and in front of the children (which he did when he was openly smoking).

I have never smoked but am sympathetic because I know how hard it is say for me to go on a diet - and smoking is a true addiction. I guess he will only do it when he is ready, but at least he is not smoking in the home. (He shouldn't be smoking in front of your four-year-old though).

SlowJinn Thu 15-Sep-16 17:58:54

Be supportive instead of accusatory. Taking him to a vape bar is a brilliant suggestion and a step towards helping him give up smoking completely. You're his wife, not his mother, and he will grow to resent you if you carry on like you have been doing.

jeaux90 Thu 15-Sep-16 18:03:38

Or order him a couple of the re-chargeable e cigs like ten motives. Surely you can't object to him vaping.

I agree with the others on this, you are not exactly helping him here.

Jumpingbunny Thu 15-Sep-16 18:57:38

I will admit that when I found his e-cig I was quite annoyed mainly because it was a complete shock. But we sat down and had what I thought was a really good chat after where I told him I just wanted the truth. I said I obviously wasn't going to be happy to find out he was smoking but that lying about it would be so much worse.

After the last lot of tobacco I found I felt like I was going crazy because everything points to him smoking but here is the person I love and trust the most in the world swearing blind to me that he wasn't and I really wanted to believe him. I haven't shouted at him or been accusatory it's been more like me pathetically pleading with him to just tell me the truth.

That's why I thought of the test - because I can say I've found more tobacco and he'll just lie to me again. At least this way it'll show up in his system and he'll have to admit the truth.

I don't even really care about the smoking anymore. It's the fact that he can lie to me again and again and see me so insecure and upset and still lie. It really is making me feel differently about him and I can feel myself pulling away from him because I just don't trust him anymore.

EarthboundMisfit Thu 15-Sep-16 19:00:36

I know exactly how you feel. My DH, again, unpressured by me about smoking, lied about it. It was the lies, not the smoking, that got to me. I felt disrespected and wondered what else he was lying about. Turned out several things.

SlowJinn Thu 15-Sep-16 19:15:19

I still think you are making a mountain out of a molehill. He's struggling to quit smoking. You are searching his stuff, breaching his privacy over and over again, accusing him of lying - no wonder he's on the defensive. You obviously have a massive problem with this so do him a favour and either "allow" him to smoke openly or fuck off and leave him be.

Canofpeas Thu 15-Sep-16 19:58:49

Quitting smoking can be really hard and maybe he doesn't want to talk to you about it because he doesn't want it to be real or sees it as a step towards smoking in front of you.
Have you had/have a similar experience/vice that you could share your experience with him?
It might be worth reconsidering what you want out of this? Is being right more important than being supportive?

thenewaveragebear1983 Thu 15-Sep-16 21:10:36

Unless you have been a smoker it's hard to understand just exactly how shitty and powerless you feel when you can't stop lighting up even though you know that you're going to get cancer, you smell rank, your kids will be left without a parent , you are letting people down etc etc - and yet despite this you still want to smoke/ need to smoke. I used to think about the fact that one day my habit would be the reason I was very ill/dead and I would feel disgusting but I still couldn't stop and would be so ashamed that I would lie about it if I had to. He's lying through shame and embarrassment and guilt, not malice.

Babymamamama Thu 15-Sep-16 21:12:47

He's an adult. Isn't it his (bad ) choice to smoke?

Mitfordhons Thu 15-Sep-16 21:31:01

I had a similar situation and found I was getting very cross and feeling it was impacting our marriage. One day I just said to him " look I know and I suspect you know I know, but I'd rather it wasn't happening so I don't want to talk about it". I never mentioned it again and then a few months later he said he wanted to give up and wanted to spend some money on a course to give up, which he did. Me telling him wouldn't have helped him give up and would have damaged our relationship.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops Thu 15-Sep-16 21:40:21

I have never smoked but my DMum did. She had a will of steel and yet found it impossible to give up. I think it is one of the hardest, if not the hardest thing to give up. Another friend had to have hypno to give up and he has to have twice yearly top ups. The need for a fag is constantly with him day and night he says. It's a very complex addiction.

Myusernameismyusername Thu 15-Sep-16 22:29:26

I lied about smoking for a long time too. The pressure of being expected to stop was awful.
I do regret it but I wasn't ready. I gave up last year and I was finally ready.

I don't know what else advice to give Although I get the lying is awful I can't put into words what nicotine does to your brain at times.

I think more pressure is so much worse, although I know that's not what you want to hear.

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