Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Separated man ends things what now

(45 Posts)
Ansie1 Thu 15-Sep-16 15:31:40

My bf of five months is going through a divorce. He just ended things saying I am lovely, he could fall in love with me so easily but can't let himself and needs time to heal from his marriage. He seemed totally into me and things had moved pretty fast so I'm a bit floored. He messaged next day to say that he had set up counselling and would sort everything out and then again to say he loved every minute with me and is sorry he's not himself right now, that he's sad and misses me. It's all very confusing. Any advice appreciated.

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 15:47:41

Don't have sex with him when he (almost inevitably) tries.

You have to cut him off.

Worst case scenario he's a total player who likes the full on move fast thing and is a liar (fits with shite like 'I could fall in love with you' - bullshit, you can't predict that.)

Best case scenario he rushed into things and is genuinely not an arse but it was all too soon. Which generally means you're not the one for him anyway. In any case - headfuck central.

Say thanks for the honesty, good luck and good bye.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 15-Sep-16 15:48:49

He's not ready.
Accept it.
Tell him you understand and for both of your sakes you are going to block him and you don't want contact with him.
Then move on!

Happybunny19 Thu 15-Sep-16 16:04:58

I think he's actually done you a favour. He's going through a divorce and should take time before getting serious again. Sorry you got hurt but better now than further down the line when you would be even deeper.

Ansie1 Thu 15-Sep-16 18:21:37

Sent him a goodbye message and he said 'if its goodbye I sadly accept'. I told him I was just accepting it was over. He kept messaging so I asked him what he wanted; he said he wanted to finish his counselling and get his divorce and if I was still single we could date again. I didn't reply, then he rang in tears saying he was sorry, he was trying to do the right thing and protect me but if I can handle all the stuff he has to go through over the next couple of months then I am fantastic and he wants to be with me. I said yes as long as he kept his divorce drama out of our relationship. Now we've just gone back to bantering texts but he hasn't suggested meeting up yet so am feeling insecure. I'm not sure whaswhast to say when we do meet up and whether to suggest it or wait for him.

Sparklesilverglitter Thu 15-Sep-16 18:25:38

He clearly and understandably isn't ready for another relationship right now.

Just accept and avoid contact. Plenty more men out there who are ready to invest in a relationship

AuntieStella Thu 15-Sep-16 18:31:18

IME, quite a number of wives of 'separated' men would be quite surprised with that description of how things are.

I suggest you keep your distance until he has moved out and has had a chance to come to terms with the end of his marriage.

In the mean time, keep some other irons in the fire.

SlightlyperturbedOwl Thu 15-Sep-16 18:34:02

Sorry but I think he's keeping you hanging around in case he gets no better offers in this new single life. You are better than that flowers

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 18:37:44

Tell him to sod off, or if you're inclined - to go and get his head straight and to call you once his counselling is finished and his decree absolute has been issued.

I'm divorced - it's just paperwork. A lot of bloody paperwork I'll give you, but just paperwork.

If it's more emotional than that for him, then he's not ready to date, and it's not fair to you to fuck your around.

You're think poor wounded bird all damaged and I can stick by him, aren't you? I'm thinking - quite possibly manipulative arse. Only took you accepting his dumping of you for him to turn on the waterworks and try to drag you back in.

And here you are, 5 months in, feeling insecure because of a man dumping you and being so not ready to date that he's in counselling. Oh and he hasn't sorted his divorce out yet.

He's not exactly a catch, is he? 😂

Throw him back in the sea. Try again by all means when he's divorced and counselled, but keep your radar on for similar woe is me manipulative shite.

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 18:39:34

And following on from PP - just how long has he been separated if he's still emotional about it? And where is he living?

dontcallmethatyoucunt Thu 15-Sep-16 18:41:46

Hmm, he wanted you to beg and sob maybe, who knows, but I'd find someone less complicated.

benbry Thu 15-Sep-16 18:45:09

Sounds like an excuse, nothing stopping him from being with you if that's what he really wants. He's managed it for 5 months.

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 18:53:24

Re-reading your post.
"If you can handle it then you're fantastic"
He's setting you up to run around after him, put up with shit, all to win a prize.

I'd rather have a 3 day goldfish in a bag from the fair.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs Thu 15-Sep-16 18:59:51

Nah - he's not worth your time.
if he really wanted to be with you - then he would be with you.
men are not that complicated.

move on, never look back and let him figure himself out in his own time, not yours.

Lilacpink40 Thu 15-Sep-16 19:02:32

He's saying I will be great if you put up with now. That could continue forever with uou always hoping he'll do what he says.

Other men will do what they say.

Ansie1 Thu 15-Sep-16 19:42:20

He was separated two months when we met and the STBX had just moved out. She recently was threatening to move back in and they had been fighting over it, I wasn't happy initially but had accepted it. She is now not going to move in anymore but they are fighting over finances and everything else. He has been emotional about the situation all the way through but didn't stop him entering into a relationship and he has been good to me. He said he ended it as was having a difficult time and didn't want me to have to deal with his drama but doesn't want to lose me and all his friends told him he was stupid to let me go. I love him and want to be with him and now he wants to be with me again so it is very tempting.

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 19:56:24

Right, he ended it so you wouldn't have to deal with his drama.

Then cried down the phone to you, true drama queen style.

Why are you even attracted to that? 😳

But you know him, not me. All I would say is - be wary of this one. He sounds a total drama llama. This thing is, divorce can be emotional, sure - but if it's emotional enough that he's sobbing over it and dumping you, he needs to sort his shit out without dragging you in.

Stay on high alert for more shit, if you have just got back with him. Zero tolerance for being fucked about.

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 19:58:12

Honestly though... If he is genuinely still that emotional about the split after FIVE MONTHS, why is he dating? He must still have feelings for her. Now I'm not saying that's unusual or a crime. Plenty of women on here would say they felt that way. But then he shouldn't be dating.

AnguaResurgam Thu 15-Sep-16 20:13:50

You've not known him long. Have you been able to check whether she is his DW or STBX? I was just wondering if she was really 'threatening' to move back, or if he/they are still hoping to reconcile.

HandyWoman Thu 15-Sep-16 20:19:32

If you take him back OP you are sending him a message that says 'I will tolerate your drama and let myself be sidelined by it on a whim' which is dangerous and gives too much power away, and gives him a clue that your boundaries are pretty fluid. Ideally you should both come to a relationship from a good place. You don't want to give up any power to a man who isn't ready for a relationship. Clearly he is not ready. It's dangerous. All those tears and messy emotional texts just reiterate the fact that he is all over the place and you literally won't know what you're in for, week by week if you get back with him. How did you meet him? The fact that things 'moved very fast' is also ringing massive alarm bells under these circs. Nightmare. The best thing is for him to sort himself out and for you to not wait around.

When The Beatles sang 'All You Need Is Love' they were talking shite. Love is not enough.

Secretsandlies222 Thu 15-Sep-16 20:29:13

* Right, he ended it so you wouldn't have to deal with his drama.

Then cried down the phone to you, true drama queen style.
Why are you even attracted to that? 😳 *

Jeez, a man shows emotion going through a difficult period and he's ridiculed. Guess what? Men have feelings too, you know!

Shayelle Thu 15-Sep-16 20:29:29

Protect yourself, hes a mess, dont let him drag you down x

Cabrinha Thu 15-Sep-16 20:34:45

I never said men didn't have feelings.
I spent til 3am listening to a good male friend cry down the phone to me last week, as it happens.
I am sympathetic.

What I am not is attracted in any romantic way to a man who is crying because he's in an emotional state over a woman he split up with 5 months ago. (or more, or less)
As a pre existing friend I would be sympathetic and supportive. As a potential new partner I would be totally put off and running a mile.

I would not be attracted to a man so emotionally involved with his ex.

Ansie1 Thu 15-Sep-16 20:36:30

Met on tinder. She is definitely STBX as I've met his parents and he has been open about everything, maybe too much so, I've felt like I was helping him get over another woman, which was a bit weird. He had seemed less emotional about things recently tho, and had said he felt he was finally starting to heal, which was why I was shocked by the breakup and 'needing to heal' line.

Ansie1 Thu 15-Sep-16 20:39:39

Secretsandlies I never ridiculed him for his feelings and have been nothing but supportive, but if he was finding things difficult he could have talked to me instead of breaking up with me then taking it back a week later.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now