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How long would you put up with a bad patch?

(13 Posts)
26milesofcbeebies Thu 15-Sep-16 15:22:50

Just that really.

I have been unhappy in my marriage for about 2 years. 2 dc, 4 and 7, together 16 years. nothing specific wrong, just lots of little things adding up to me not being attracted to dh, poor communication, chipping away at my sense of self and, i suspect, his self esteem. This results in us being distant with each other, which leads to a lack of trust or feeling of 'togetherness'. In fact, I sometimes feel resentful of him- mostly I would rather do stuff without him.

I think it's affecting my parenting- I'm much more relaxed when it''s just me and dc. DH and I don't make a very good team anymore.

I read on here when a dh leaves that he is wrong to leave his family, that there must be another woman, and that what does he expect when he has young children. But I don't have another man, I know this period of life can be hard. Dh and I have both had counselling individually via work, but we can't afford marriage counselling. We have no family who would take the children for any length of time, not even an afternoon.

I've been trying to ride it out. I've talked to dh. He says he's committed to our marriage.

What can I/ we do to make it better? How long am I meant to just ignore my sadness and get on with it?

whensitmyturn Thu 15-Sep-16 15:27:17

I would really and truly try and do marriage counselling first if there's been no affairs or abuse.

Your children are maybe at school/pre- school so arrange one for when they're there. At least then if it doesn't work out you will both know you have given it a last try.

Joysmum Thu 15-Sep-16 16:05:37

I'd call it a day if he wasn't trying or if there was little hope of things improving.

LegoStarWars Thu 15-Sep-16 17:13:58

This feels so similar to how I feel. DH insists he's happy, our marriage is fine. He refuses to go to counselling. But I've been unhappy for years now – though probably significantly unhappy for just over a year, and at the point of leaving for about four months.

It feels wrong to pull apart a family when there's no specific cause like affairs or abuse. But years of unhappiness isn't okay.

Tarttlet Thu 15-Sep-16 17:15:32

"He says he's committed to our marriage." Ah, but does he SHOW you that?

juneau Thu 15-Sep-16 17:19:13

You say there is nothing specific wrong, so what's changed that makes you not attracted to your DH. Do YOU want to work on the marriage? You mention 'sadness', so are you depressed, or is it just that things are rather crap and that is what's making you sad? How does your DH feel about all this? Was communication decent before this 2-year period of unhappiness? What's changed, if so?

adora1 Thu 15-Sep-16 17:27:30

Sometimes it just doesn't work anymore and the best solution is just to separate and find happiness.

Easy to say he is committed, men often say words but look to his actions, it sounds like he can say it but not actually show it.

Unless both people are committed to making it work and making changes and actually showing love for each other, it's all just words to keep you in the status quo.

leaveittothediva Thu 15-Sep-16 19:32:36

You have to work out what you want.?. You say it's nothing specific, we'll you don't fancy him, and you would rather do things without him. You feel better when he's not around and you are with the children by yourself. You don't make a good team. You and your partner have both had counseling but it didn't seem to work. He says he's committed to the marriage. What's he prepared to put forward then.?. What would his list look like, if it's similar to yours, I think you are both done. Talk it out. You can't expect to just put up with a bad patch. Are you just hoping that one day that you'll wake up attracted to him again, its not going to happen, not without some input and you both wanting it, and even then, there's no guarantees. I'm not happy is a pretty poor excuse in my opinion to walk away from a marriage. You both are the adults, your children didn't sign up for this. Hope I'm not sounding too harsh. Good luck to you all.

LaurieFairyCake Thu 15-Sep-16 19:41:53

Divorces cost thousands, running two households after is double the expense for the same amount of electricity/everything.

No matter how happy people are after divorce the actual monetary costs are really bad.

What I'm saying is you can't NOT afford marriage counselling. Relate do sessions based on your income.

Get the kids into a club of some kind on a Saturday morning/get a 'sitters' baby sitter of an evening and go.

And you can even get online counselling over Skype/other provider (I know because I do this) so you've no excuse

Good luck flowersflowersflowers

26milesofcbeebies Thu 15-Sep-16 21:09:43

Thanks for the replies.

I think the problem comes from us emerging from the baby stage and me realising how much I'd sacrificed for dh in terms of career, giving up hobbies etc to prioritise family life and his work and then when I started to take a bit of time back for me he got jealous and resentful. (I'm not talking about masses of time, more squeezing things in around work.) the dc are definitely my priority but I think partly because I feel I've taken a backseat in the last 8 years or so I am struggling to prioritise dh. I am feeling selfish, which makes me feel shit but also annoyed because I don't think I am being unreasonable and I'm trying to reclaim some of the person I was before.

The sadness comes from feeling like my marriage might have run its course and not knowing how to make what should be a good relationship (no obvious problems etc) work, but I feel stuck and like I ought to make it better. I don't want a failed marriage but I do not want to carry on like this.

I will look again at marriage counselling. Would it be possible to go in saying we want a certain number sessions so that I have an idea of how much it will cost?

LaurieFairyCake Thu 15-Sep-16 21:42:34

Yes, relate will offer a standard 6 I think.

redexpat Thu 15-Sep-16 21:51:06

As an alternative to counselling you could try the marriage course. It's usually run for free by churches, or you could see if you could get the dvd and or book from the library. It's not massively christian. I've found it to be a really good tool.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Thu 15-Sep-16 23:58:32

Do more to reclaim the person you were.

That's the best chance of your marriage surviving.

You are doing a half-assed job of getting your life back. The effect is that you are neither one thing nor the other: not confident and independent in yourself but not 100% doting on him and DC either.

Go for it full on, so he realises the old you is back and so a bit of him whining won't make you to Stepford anymore. Presumably he liked the old you. You sound like you liked the old you.

Go on, commit properly to making your life more independently fulfilling. Ignore the sulky pants as he goes through the growing pains.

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