Help me through separation with kids and joint mortgage please!

[AintThatSomething]

Hi all,

I have finally made the decision that it would be better for me and the kids (and him) for us to split up as we are entirely miserable. I was planning to get my ducks in order a bit more but I got home from a horrendous work meeting last night to some nasty remarks from him and blurted out that I wanted us to split up. We live together but aren't married.

We have a joint mortgage, my mum will very kindly give me the money to pay him his half of the equity and I think i should be fine to get a mortgage on my own for house after his name is removed- just spoken to mortgage company now. Do I need to use a solicitor to do paperwork for money, do I need to get a mortgage valuation or just offer him a lump sum in the approximate ball park?

Also- sharing the kids. We have 3 and he is useless at looking after them on his own. he always ropes in his mum or my mum to help if I am working late/away. I would expect to do a fairly even split in time between us so they see us both but don't want to pander to him and have him only having one or 2 at a time rather than them all. I have really no idea how this works. Can he say he will just have one or 2 at a time? Do people normally do every other weekend and then something in the week?

Are there any good books about telling kids?

I feel so much better now I have told him, but he is playing the woe is me card. I literally do everything and run about after him like a maid. I can't do this any longer and am not interested in any counselling as in all reality he will never change. I don't love him any more and want to get out before I start to hate him.

I think it will be much better for the kids to have 2 happy parents rather than live in misery. He seems to think we should live in misery though (probably so he has a maid). He sent me a message from work today and I have told him I am not changing my mind.

Please can someone hold my hand and steer me through all this. I have no clue how to sort things out practically.

[pinkunicornsarefluffy]

Sorry that you are going through this. I would contact 3 estate agents and ask for a valuation. If you say you are thinking of selling, then they won't charge you for this. Then if they vary, take the average valation of the 3. Solicitors quite often advise this as a fair way of agreeing a valuation. You may be entitled to more than 50% of the equity if you are housing the children but you and him would need to come to an agreement on that. You could get legal advice to see where you stand.

Contact patterns vary for different people but quite often the norm is every other weekend and a night in the week, but some will do 50/50. he should have all of them at the same time.

You will need a solicitor to change the deeds and transfer the house into your name, you can ring round to get quotes on how much that would cost.

[AintThatSomething]

Thank you Pink

I have just phoned and made an appointment with the bank next week to discuss the mortgage. I will get my paperwork in place over the weekend.

Little steps...

[hellsbellsmelons]

Definitely get a solicitor if he agreed to you buying him out.
You will fully legal paperwork in place for this.
It must feel like a weight has been lifted from you now.
You are doing the right thing.
Starting point for kids should be 50:50.
Start the discussion from there and see where it takes you.
I would stop doing all is laundry and tidying etc....

[pinkunicornsarefluffy]

yes, one step at a time. Once he moves out, if you claim WTC/CTC, then ring them and advise he is gone and make a new claim as a single person. Then advise Council Tax that you are the sole adult on the premises (assuming all DC under 18).

and if you have a joint bank account, then remove his name.

You will also need to ensure all bills are in your name, not joint names. Just things to think about.

Estate agents can charge for a valuation, which is why I say make out that you are thinking of selling , and just check that they do a free valuation. you just need to say you are getting several, then if they come back to you just say you have gone with somebody else or decided not to sell.

[goodenoughal]

Your current mortgage company will have a figure for what they think your house is worth, and therefore what your equity is.