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Talk a little bit of sense into me.(12 Posts)
I met a guy on POF . Started talking about 6 months ago, chatting for about 6 weeks before meeting up. Had three dates (not as a rule...just the way it happened) before sleeping together. Took it kinda slow. started off as a light hearted summer romance.
He lives in a coastal town, I have a mobile home in an adjacent coastal town.
Moving swiftly on, he is now sending me sorta "love" messages, which of course is sweet and telling me he is interested in settling down and passing the odd jokey remark about little Mr.Pofs etc. He has said that if an accident were to happen he would be 100% on board....
So I went back on the pill, because I do not want an accident to happen. I have two children from my previous marriage and a full time (somewhat demanding job). I told him this, and also that I know I have no family support. I've done it twice before and I know how hard it is to raise babies without support. He has said I wouldn't be on my own and he would be there to support me 100%. All irrelevant really as I don't want more children now and I don't want a child conceived in an unstable relationship....(ok I am starting to talk a little sense into myself just writing this).
So anyway the bad points:
He lives in the same building as his parents, in a top floor flat - very swish - they are wealthy. He also has a bedroom in the main house. So really the bad point is: he is an adult but doesn't stand on his own two feet.
His family are very co-dependent. I know this is bad, but I am a little drawn to it too. There is always a little drama....sensible people can be a little tedious (yes I know this is where I need the sense talked into me).
He does not have a proper job: His family are wealthy and he is kept busy tinkering away maintaining their properties. But again this is not real life responsibility, as he gets to pick and chose what he feels like doing and when.
He smokes a lot of weed: This is the thing that pisses me off the most. He will smoke weed and fall asleep and sometimes I end up sleeping by myself and I wonder what the hell did I come to visit him for at all. So I'm tired because I didn't sleep in my own bed, slept in his (in the apartment), he went to smoke a joint downstairs and fell asleep in another room. It's just ridiculous....I wouldn't mind being tired if I had a lovely night of passion, but I didn't I just slept in someone's house overnight....I'm not looking for a sleepovers relationship(???).
He is not very healthy; as in he picks up colds frequently (he had a serious health complaint in the past....not weed related...but he has to be cautious about his health since then. ) He spent time in intensive care, this was not a self inflicted illness, but it has impacted his health and he needs to be careful.
He doesn't have a car: He says he is sorting it out....but he has been talking about that for about 2 months now.
He is very (super) affable, sweet and nice.
He lives in an extremely beautiful touristic area, literally on the coastline and it is a treat to stay with him.
He appears to love me (??), who doesn't like a little love??
He thinks the sex is awesome, that's a nice stroke to the ego. I think it's pretty good, very good in fairness. I think I might have a higher sex drive than him. Even if he thinks the sex is awesome, why chose getting stoned over it.
He means really well....so sweet and kind.
I can be serious and wound up after work and he is really relaxed due to his super relaxed lifestyle and that is a nice diversion from me.
Even though he himself is not all that much of a provider, he comes from a very wealthy family and is due to inherit another house on the coastline and he is financially stable due to coming from so much wealth. While I am not looking for any type of sugar daddy, it is nice to spend time with someone who is not penny pinching and is financially stable.
He is fun and is up for going on holidays together.
He is romantic and always sending me jokey songs with my name in it r sweet songs etc.
I think he would be loyal.
Neutral point: I wouldn't introduce anyone to my kids now, don't want to get them involved at all. Quite honestly I am not looking for a marriage type of relationship. I just want a fun companion and some nice sex during my childfree days.
My brain is telling me to finish this...he is too much of a mess, but the not so sensible part of me enjoys the company and the fun and really my other option is to sit at home on my own and watch tv or go back on POF or take up some hobbies that I may just be killing time with.
By the way I love the coast and the coastal lifestyle and swimming (and so does he), so we do have some stuff in common.
I'm not sure what my question is....Is it ever ok to date a manchild???
he smokes a lot of weed
This would be the thing that stands out over everything else. Weed smokers tend to plod on in life just letting things happen to them and go with the flow. Don't settle for a druggie.
Keep him as a pet if you must but don't introduce him to your kids, lock the contraception right down and don't actually expect him to step up in the bad times.
That's as good as it's going to get
And I reckon the sex is crap
Keep him as a pet...lol... I like it...
He might actually be happy with that too...suit his stoned self!!!
All this love/kiddy innuendo is probably just romantic bollox
Ah feck it....once the Winter sets in and I'm no longer hitting the coast he will probably not get his shit together and get a car and wont make the effort to see me. So that will sort it out.
Gamerchick Thank you, yes, why should any of us settle for a drug user.
Oh god. Yep do keep as a pet but the problem is he is talking love and babies (yuck yuck yuck.. Manchild red flag right there after a nanosecond of dating) and essentially he doesn't want the same as you. At some point I reckon that incompatibility will start to feel somewhat uncomfortable. He sounds like he wants children but as a manchild he would be an utterly white parent and you absolutely MUST not stint on the contraception. I can see the attraction of him, as a diversion though (apart from the weed that is, that would get right on my tits). Perhaps it will fizzle out and you'll get bored of him..
Yes, yes, yes, you are right, he is talking shite, because he does not know a responsibility full life...he doesn't get how hard it can be.
My fear with these types of guys as well, is they want a kid as a safety net, someone to look out for them when they are older....so yes, honestly my fear is: he likes me as I'm kinda sensible, so I can be the sensible crutch and he wouldn't mind having a kid and recruiting in his elderly parents to help raise it (with me and him), me continuing to work and he would have another hobby to fill his life, with lots of help.
But it's all bollox and no point in analysing, because he is talking shite.
He's a stoner. They talk shite. Period. I wouldn't have much respect for that, tbh
I'm a say what I mean and mean what I say kinda gal so I don't have much patience with daydreaming romancers, tbh
I'm a daughter of a (now deceased) functioning alcoholic, so unfortunately that leaves me with a very high tolerance for substance abusers, once they are sorta nice and fun and are functioning.
God I can't pick men at all.......
I think you're doing fine, OP, there are red flags and alarm bells all over this guy. And you can see them all. Keep your eyes open and hopefully when the novelty of coastal stays has worn off and you've got sick of him falling asleep in another part of the house (WTF!!) you'll wake up one morning soon... and just feel 'meh' about this mildly amusing stoner. Until then I only have one word for you - CONTRACEPTION.
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