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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Trying to sort out contact with DC with my narc EX.

13 replies

donners312 · 15/09/2016 11:38

Long story short, just got divorced complete nightmare and XH emptied every penny from every account I got not one penny.

He pays no maintenance.

Has seen DC twice in a year.

Now he can't fight with me re divorce he wants to suddenly see the DC except he doesn't really.

I have suggested a third party person (family member, or solicitor) he refused, I suggested a schedule of visits he refused. I put us in touch with a contact centre who were very helpful he won't use it.

I refuse to have direct contact with him as he is just trying to yank my chain - he is so arrogant and rude and constantly changes any plans and then never turns up anyway. I just want to take myself out of the equation so he can't continue to try to control me.

I have written to his solicitor 4 times to say the above and try to make arrangements - nothing!!

Whats worse kids don't particularly want to see him i will have to force them to go.

OP posts:

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 11:55

Do not force your children to go and see their dad particularly if they do not want to see him.

I would cease all further communications with his solicitor seeing as you have had no response.

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Mrsx3 · 15/09/2016 12:00

You should see a solicitor and get them to write to his solicitor to advise that if he would like to see his dc then he can put a c100 form proposal into the court - it will cost him £100. Your case will then be heard by a court and you can fight for contact centre or third party handovers.

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donners312 · 15/09/2016 12:08

But how do i stop him contacting me - i have blocked him on everything except email as i can't seem to block him on that?

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LaurieFairyCake · 15/09/2016 12:12

Go to cms for maintenance

You can set your email up so that his emails go direct to the spam folder if you don't want to look at them.

Send him an email (and keep it) stating these are all the contact schedules I've offered you which you have turned down. If you want to see the children you will now have to go through the court process.

If he comes round or tries to harass you then call the police.

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GreenAndYellow · 15/09/2016 12:13

I have a similar sort of situation. I refused to let Ex H have unsupervised contact with our children, and told him there was little point in taking me to court because a judge would probably agree with me.

Ex H refused to use a contact centre for ages, I think he saw it as an insult that he would have to. Eventually he agreed, on the advice of a solicitor he consulted, but contact didn't go well at all, and he started using the contact centre staff to harass me with all sorts of messages (including a suicide threat! )

I stopped contact, saying that he would have to take me to court because that would trigger a section 7 report saying whether or not contact was in the best interests of the children. He hasn't bothered, and he hasn't seen them now for nearly a year

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millymollymomoooo · 15/09/2016 12:17

Can you get his messages to just go to junk?

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donners312 · 15/09/2016 12:59

I don't have a solicitor now but when I did she said no judge would order me to have direct contact with him

He can see the children - I am not saying he can't but he refuses to make any arrangement. For example i am on good terms with his family so his Dad could message me and say "Can that piece of shit son I have see his children on Monday at 4 blah blah" But he refuses to do that!!

I suggested contact centre as a neutral drop off point and to make it clear to him I am not entertaining direct contact but he refuses to use that.

He only wants to make plans if they involve dicking me about which is why i am trying to take myself out of the equation and thus spoil his fun of continuing to try to control and harass me!!

I am so drained and desperate with dealing with him!!

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donners312 · 15/09/2016 13:01

I can't chase him for maintenance because he doesn't work or claim benefits. He literally emptied hundreds of thousands of pounds out of our accounts and got away with it when we went to court.

He has played this all very well!!!!

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Fidelia · 15/09/2016 13:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

donners312 · 15/09/2016 13:25

Thanks Fidelia - yes we had our FDR couple of weeks ago.

The judge accepted he had spent it all on "living costs" and i got nothing. His barrister argued a case where there is "no add back" and also one where if you say assets are hidden which I was, that you have to prove where the assets are hidden!!! unbelievable but true!!

We didn't even have a house as we were meant to be buying one he was a high earner and is now deliberately unemployed - although no doubt now divorce and finances all gone through and he doesn't have to pay anything no doubt he'll go back to work (well until I chase him for maintenance and then he will be unemployed again!) He has literally played every trick in the book and got away with it!!

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Fidelia · 15/09/2016 13:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2016 14:02

So sorry, Narc Ex's are awful. I was with one for a few years. In my experience with this, once they realise contact with you is out of the equation along with any control or impact then he will probably not want to see the dc. What he is doing is all about you and what he wants from contact with you which is control. If he does see the DC then fine but really really try to ensure there is no contact with you.
Also remember that these Narcs are empty shells of people with no souls and the reason why he was with you is probably because you are lovely and people like you. Narc's hate themselves. The last point was to make you feel better. Big hug xxxx (PS was there no forensic accountant involved in the financials?)

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donners312 · 15/09/2016 14:08

thank you!!!

what you are saying is really ringing true - i know it is only to upset me that he says he wants to see them. he got all the money so no more arguing there.

so now he has changed focus onto the children, as i say he has seen them twice this year for a few hours each time!

I know he won't bother with them unless it is upsetting me.

No forensic accountant - he literally took tens of thousands out of the bank in cash until hundreds of thousands were gone! It wasn't millions but it would have bough the children a home. truly shameful.