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Need advice affair

(20 Posts)
Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 04:14:36

Hi I have only just joined and I'm not a mum yet but I really just need to write this down I think maybe have a little vent hope that's ok.
I have just found out tonight that my fiancé has had a affair/fling with a woman at work. He told me last week that he wasn't happy with me and didn't think he loved me anymore. I got angry with him tonight and said I need to know the truth.
He said he had been seeing her a few months ago just for a few weeks and it was just about the sex and needing to feel wanted.
To give you a bit of background I have been seriously ill and at one point it was very bad to the point I needed to have lots of surgery. It went on for a long time and I'm the end I lost my job. I started suffering panic attacks and anxiety and found it difficult to leave the house. Along with the pain I was in I ended up being physically and financially very dependant on him.
Then out of the blue my dad was diagnosed with cancer and in the space of 5 months had died. This is the time when the affair happened.
He has told me that he didn't feel loved he didn't feel like I put any effort into sex (although we have always had it) and he just felt like he was depressed and needed someone to love him.
I fully understand that it can't have been easy living with me and I did get very down at times and didn't spend time and effort on our relationship.
He is now telling me that my only option is to go home to my parents. I do not work because of this twatting illness so I wouldn't be able to afford the house on my own.
I just feel so angry that I have to leave everything even though he has made this decision.
Thanks for reading this it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep X

Zaccheryquack Thu 15-Sep-16 05:04:29

No advice, just sorry to read this. He sounds awful and you are lucky to find out now before a wedding and babies. flowers

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 05:10:36

Thank you for the reply i can't sleep with the stress of it all. We were trying for a baby but yes like you say better to find out now x

WingsofNylon Thu 15-Sep-16 06:36:06

I'm so sorry to hear this. It must be horrible and confusing. I dont know what your options are for housing but I am hoping someone else will be able to come along soon and tell you who you need to call and other useful advice.

WingsofNylon Thu 15-Sep-16 06:36:47

And if I knew how to give flowers I would.

MephistoMarley Thu 15-Sep-16 06:37:36

What a miserable situation. Are you family nice? Do you have any friends in that area? It could be a good move, think positive flowers

Wishfulmakeupping Thu 15-Sep-16 06:41:42

flowers from wings
And flowers from me op.
Sorry you're going through this but you deserve better than this treatment- he's shown his true colours when you needed him the most he was with someone else.
Fuck him you can do better.
What's the financial situation op do you own somewhere together, have you been renting etc?

leaveittothediva Thu 15-Sep-16 08:47:27

Cindyloo99, Call your Parents, pack a bag and leave. You have had a lucky escape, if you don't believe me, read some of the posts from other women who's husbands have abandoned them for OW, left them with children, financially screwed, with barely a backward glance, I'd be the first to say, try to work it out, but he's spelled it out for you. Don't be there when he gets home. I'm very sorry, I know that reading this sounds very harsh, but you are ill, and now this bombshell. I'm hoping you have loving parents and that you can count on their support. Good luck.

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 09:16:28

Thank you so much for all the replies ! I've been asleep.
The house situation is it belongs to us both but he pays for it. My mum and step dad are lovely they just don't have the room for me to stay there. X

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 09:32:09

I have a couple of close friends who live nearby Ish. I don't have a huge group of friends because they tend to drop away when your sick xx

Opentooffers Thu 15-Sep-16 10:13:58

You can tell who really cares for you when the chips are down, when you needed him most, he was off with someone else. Now his complaint was not giving him enough attention! That is a lame excuse, you were the one who needed support and he would of gladly given it if he cared enough. This lets you know that you deserve much more than him.
If all the bad had not happened, you'd still be living in ignorance of his shallow emotions and personal entitlement. You have found out that he's just the kind of guy who would have an affair in future, because his wife is giving the kids more attention than him. Sometimes some good knowledge can be gained from bad life occurrences.
I hope your health improves, good that you are not tied to him. If you own half the house, make sure you get back half it's worth, if he can't afford to buy you out he will have to sell it anyway to pay you back.

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 10:17:54

Thank you for the encouraging words and I agree with what you say it's just the shock ! And I'm deverstated X

SlowJinn Thu 15-Sep-16 12:22:30

You've dodged a bullet here OP - he's not a very good person. Go and stay with a friend until you can sort out somewhere permanent to live, and I hope your health improves. Good luck and look after yourself.

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 13:43:10

Thank you so much I know I have. Just such a hard time to go through x

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 22:26:17

Just to update this he has told me if I want to keep living here I need to pay him rent ! Does anyone know if he can legally insist i do that ? Thank you x

Catty2016 Thu 15-Sep-16 22:52:58

Sorry for what your going through OP. Fellow sufferer! Don't know about the rent. Best get yourself to a solicitor asap. Citizens advice might be able to help too but not sure. They should be able to give you details of solicitors though. But might be best to ask around - best if you can be recommended one.

Cindyloo99 Thu 15-Sep-16 23:43:54

Thank you I'm not really sure I can afford a solicitor. I'm sorry your suffering too it really is awful isn't it. Just the way he looks at me like he hates me is making me die inside. Hoping to get some sleep tonight xx

Justaboy Thu 15-Sep-16 23:54:10

Cindyloo99 Err, friends are there for you when you are ill. If there're not then they aren't friends well as I know them!.

Look on the brighter side as painful as this may be now least its better to find out his truer colours now rather then when you are a mum and I think even if your not a mum yet your still be very welcome to seek support on MN!.

Do also see a solicitor and before much longer if your name is on the deeds and the mortgage etc then I think you'll have a claim there.

IANAL but you should be entitled to something best checked out by a pro.

Improvisingnow Fri 16-Sep-16 10:10:36

I'm sorry you are in such a crappy situation and have been treated so poorly by your fiancé. I think you have to accept that you need to focus on what is best for you at this point.

I'd start by seeing someone at your local law centre - it is free. Talk to them both about the house and about any benefits you might get. Most law centres are very good on this. It might be hard to get an appointment as they are all very busy but keep pushing - tell them you are vulnerable due to your illness and about to be homeless.

The fact that you both own the house means you don't have to pay him rent as you have a right to live there (as does he). If there is a mortgage then it's a question of who pays it, but if he stops paying then the mortgagee will enforce and you will both lose out, so it's in his interests to pay it for now.

I think he either needs to buy you out or if he can't/won't do that then the house should be sold. That will give some money to rent somewhere else. If he will not do it willingly then you can get a court order for sale (you will definitely get this, it is just procedural).

Do not just move out as the local authority will regard that as making yourself intentionally homeless.

Catty2016 Fri 16-Sep-16 20:40:02

OP yes I definitely know what you mean about the look they give you of hate. Mine did that after I found out about his OW and still does even though he has left. It is likely that he is feeling guilty & hating himself but won't want to admit it to himself let alone you and so that seems to be the way it comes across. Try to ignore & detach as much as you can. The next few weeks & months are going to be horrible but you will get through it. Hope you can get some legal advice too. Have you checked if you are entitled to legal aid?

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