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A Psychopath is trying to destroy my relationship

(24 Posts)
Flipfloo28 Thu 15-Sep-16 03:46:27

Ok. This is a bit of an unusual one. My partner works with a variety of people in his job (highly academic but most people have a personality disorder). One of his colleagues we believe is a psychopath, that is not a euphemism for mentally ill as this person genuinely seems to have the traits of a psychopath. Anyway, I have previously encouraged partner my to socialise with this person (also male but might be Bi) and he has also stayed at our home when I've been away. He has made suggestions that my partner should cheat on me when they've been going out. I met up with him and my partner for drinks a few weeks ago and I distinctly got the impression that the colleague didn't like me. I mentioned this to my partner and he dismissed it. My partner said this in passing to his manager and his manager told my partner that not only does the colleague not like me he is actively trying to split us up as he does not think I am good enough for my partner. My partner and I have been together over 11 years, we own our home jointly and are very much equals. My partner has Asperger's and has laughed this off as he said it's up to him to decide who is good for him and it is me but this has really struck a nerve with me. Part of me wants to confront the colleague but my partner has to work with this person. What do I do? This has upset me. I don't know what to do. As an example of the colleague's behaviour, he had mentioned to my partner that a person they work with is nearing the end of the contract and that my partner should try it on with them as they would no longer be working together. My partner laughed it off (along the lines of "thanks but no thanks", when I saw the colleague and my partner for drinks, my partner and I were discussing plans for the weekend, the colleague was getting ready to leave, I said I was busy so in front of the colleague, I said sarcastically "well why don't you and Xxx spend time together". The colleague was visibly taken a back because I think that he thought that I was unaware of the comments he had made to my partner. What do I do?

Flipfloo28 Thu 15-Sep-16 03:47:57

Btw we've only just figured out that he may be a psychopath. We haven't always known this and then I've encouraged my partner to socialise with him

WombOfOnesOwn Thu 15-Sep-16 07:39:50

You think everyone around you has personality disorders and psychopathy. There's a saying: "If you know one asshole, you know one asshole. If everyone you know is an asshole, you're the asshole."

This entire post reads like totally outsize drama. If someone's trying to sleep with your partner, they should respect your monogamous commitment by rejecting the proposition soundly and cutting contact if necessary to preclude this from happening again. If your partner is being repeatedly pursued in the workplace, surely there are sexual harassment policies available to them.

PsychedelicSheep Thu 15-Sep-16 07:59:21

It does sound rather like high school, but then if they all work in academia maybe it is! I can't imagine my boyfriend being so connected to my work colleagues, he's never even met any of them!

This colleague can't harm your relationship if your DP doesn't allow him to, that's the bottom line.

LIZS Thu 15-Sep-16 08:05:05

I don't see anything that suggests psychopath! If your Dp is so devoted surely he can just brush it off and distance himself. It sounds more laddish than anything else. How on earth is the manager such an authority on the colleagues thoughts no intentions. Are you sure your do isn't reading more into conversations than needs be and why share it with you confused

lottiegarbanzo Thu 15-Sep-16 08:09:06

What do you do? Nothing. Your DP chooses to be faithful or to have affairs, with whomever he chooses. He'd hardly be telling you all about his potential affairs, would he. Trust him, or don't trust, him are your only options.

I find the idea that your DP had a personal chat with his manager about what a colleague thought about his relationship, extremely odd. WTF has that got to do with his job? What a lot of silly time-wasting gossips!

GoldFishFingerz Thu 15-Sep-16 08:12:50

Don't do anything and relax. Your husband is more then capable of saying no. He is responsible for anything he does. You are married to your husband and it doesn't matter what anyone else does.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 15-Sep-16 08:13:14

Sounds like your DP is handling this chap perfectly btw, laughing off his ridiculous comments. I don't see what else there is to do.

PushingThru Thu 15-Sep-16 08:14:50

Why are you so over-invested in your partner's work colleagues' carry-on? Get a life of your own for god's sake grin

Isetan Thu 15-Sep-16 08:15:34

Why do you have to do anything? Your partner's colleague has made some sleazy comments and that's all.

Your catastrophising and diagnosing people with severe personality disorders is the problem here, not your partner's annoying sleazy work colleague. Is there anything about your personality, that makes you prone to assessing situations as threatening?

BombadierFritz Thu 15-Sep-16 08:17:15

sounds exactly like academia to me, although I agree on the psychopath part not sounding convincing from your description (but quite likely considering the place of work). I wouldnt worry, your dh is likely quite immune to his charms due to the aspergers.

Somerville Thu 15-Sep-16 08:20:46

When someone dislikes you or your relationship for no good reason or despite not really knowing you it's their issue, not yours.

So you don't need to do anything.

And especially please don't make snarky comments about it to other colleagues again. Just rise above it all.

MewlingQuim Thu 15-Sep-16 08:24:48

I think you should go and read the thread about male Wendy's, OP.

PatriciaHolm Thu 15-Sep-16 08:25:51

You do nothing.

Your partner is an adult, and they are the ones with the working relationship with this person, and they seem to be dealing with it just fine.

Yayme Thu 15-Sep-16 08:28:41

Whether he is a psychopath or not doesn't seem relevant here. Leave your partner to it - he seems able to deal with it himself. Even If the guy is a psychopath confused I would have thought the worst thing you could do is confront him.

KitKat1985 Thu 15-Sep-16 08:32:34

I agree with ignoring this. What your partner's work colleague thinks about your relationship is irrelevant, and it doesn't sound like your partner is taking 'the bait' (for want of a better word), so I'd just ignore it.

diddl Thu 15-Sep-16 08:47:07

How does your partner's manager know what this colleague does or doesn't think of you?

If someone was suggesting to my husband that he has affairs I'm sure that my husband wouldn't want anything to do with them anymore but if he couldn't not see them due to work, would be civil at work & nothing more.

JudyCoolibar Thu 15-Sep-16 08:48:02

If you tried to confront the colleague you would end up looking completely ridiculous and seriously embarrass your partner.

Gazelda Thu 15-Sep-16 08:55:15

Trust your DP. Back off from socialising with work colleagues.

TattyCat Thu 15-Sep-16 08:58:42

Interesting that there's an online piece in the DM entitled "Is your boss a psychopath".

PsychedelicSheep Thu 15-Sep-16 09:05:03

I missed the bit about most people having a personality disorder. What are they, politicians? wink

quicklydecides Thu 15-Sep-16 09:05:34

Actually it sounds like colleague has poor social skills, perhaps similar to asperges.
Do you have trouble reading a situation Op?
Do you find people frustratingly difficult?
Do nothing.
Say nothing.
This is a nothing situation.

GloriaGaynor Thu 15-Sep-16 09:10:51

A psychopath in academe sounds like an episode of Morse.

purpleapple1234 Thu 15-Sep-16 10:12:15

Having worked in academia, I understand that the gossipy and incestuous nature between work colleagues can be odd. Not all obviously, because someone will pop up saying that I have been in academia for 100 years and never heard of anything like this But people with poor social skills or disorders such as Asperger's are a lot more common than would be found in other types of workplace. I also think just ignore it and leave your partner to deal with it. It sounds as if a drama is probably the end goal rather than splitting you up. Some academics are like overgrown school children.

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