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Would it EVER be right to tell dd her dad didn't want her?

(83 Posts)
malificent7 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:14:32

When I was pregnant with dd, her dad put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion. He was awful. It was a bitter sweet time.
We split up and he moved abroad before she was born. He's never seen her.
As soon as he saw the baby photos he was all over them and gushed big time. Contact has been sporadic to say the least with the occasional email or text.
Fast forward 8 years and I have the most amazing do who is the polar opposite of dad's dad. Kind, loves dd etc. he is very supportive of her and she throws it back in his face.
She keeps going on about how wonderful her real dad and how she never wants to see my dp again. This hurts me very much. She is on the verge of destroying my relationship with my do as I can't stand the emotional pressure.
I just want to say" your dad is a complete prick who wanted me to get rid of you." But of course I can't say this can I? She's 8.

I'm so hurt and torn so what can I say?

gettingtherequickly Wed 14-Sep-16 22:16:42

No you can't. You know that already.

Cary2012 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:18:19

Nothing, you say nothing.

Somerville Wed 14-Sep-16 22:21:48

No you can't say that.

And actually she knows that her father isn't like that of her friends, or on TV. She must do. And that's possibly what is behind her rejecting your DP.

You need to learn not to take is personally when she says she never wants to see your dp again. It's not personal to you - don't take it like it is. It might even not be personal to him, depending what he's like.

You also might want to look into some form of family therapy with you and your DD and/or slowing down your relationship until it's at a pace she can accept. (How long have you been with DP and is he actually a partner - living together etc?)

bert3400 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:23:04

Be patient with your daughter . My father never wanted me but I only found out when I was an adult, my mum never said a bad word about him . Please please please don't tell your DD that she was not wanted by her father. Her disapproval towards your DP will change but you can never take back that awful Information about her real Dad.

Pinkheart5915 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:23:06

It must be tough for your OP. I sounds like your DD understandably has built up her "real" dad to be something he isn't in her head.

Have you been with your new partner long? It could be your DD worries secretly that he will leave, If you've not been together long. In time she should hopefully realise that isn't the case

My nephews Mum didn't want him she found out too late about the pregnancy so couldn't have an abortion, and if my brother hadn't of took him she would of put him up for adoption. My nephew was 2 days old when his Mum last saw him then she walked away, no contact, no Maintence, no birthday cards nothing!
When my nephew was younger my brother use to just say that mummy couldn't look after him, so she left him with daddy because she knew he'd take good care of him but my nephew is now 13 and is asking more questions, my brother like you is really struggling over what to say.

I mean how do you tell a child that there parent didn't want them, it's so difficult.

I hope somebody will be able to offer you some advice op

allthatnonsense Wed 14-Sep-16 22:24:10

No, never.

ThatsWotSheSaid Wed 14-Sep-16 22:26:25

No you absolutely can not do that!

CodyKing Wed 14-Sep-16 22:27:17

Have you asked DD what she thinks her dads like?

Disney etc spend so much on an imagine of meeting and everything is wonderful type plot - but the reality is somewhat different!!

He may be a secret millionaire prince!! Ready to rescue her from the evil parents -

Just ask to get some perspective

slightlyinsane Wed 14-Sep-16 22:28:59

My mum told my sister she wasn't wanted, the most stupid thing you could ever do. My sis and dad have no relationship at all because of it, she is very bitter and twisted about him.

Eatthecake Wed 14-Sep-16 22:29:00

It must be so tough when she saying what a great man he is etc and I can see why you'd want to tell her the truth but there is no nice way of telling a child that mummy/daddy didn't want them.

I grew with previous poster that your DD has build up an Image in her head of what "real" dad is like, and I think that's natural for a young child when they don't know a parent. I don't know what you can do about that really, I think it's just a process she has to deal with.

Is your relationship fairly new? She might improve with your dp once she knows him better

ALaughAMinute Wed 14-Sep-16 22:30:08

If you tell your daughter it could affect her profoundly for the rest of her life. Don't do it.

malificent7 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:33:33

Thanks all. I am not going to tell her. It's very hard to hear her go on about how wonderful her dad is and that my partner is crap when the opposite is true.
I feel like she's trying to split me up from this wonderful man.

g1nthemystery Wed 14-Sep-16 22:33:37

As a kid of divorce I had built up my father like your daughter. As far as I remember my mother never said anything bad about him, whereas he said awful things about her.

Eventually at the age of 10 I discovered the truth on my own that my father didn't want me and didn't really care. It was enough for me to beg my mum to not let him take me for any more visitation, and eventually my then step dad adopted me after I insisted (we both wanted it).

I was a terrible daughter to my adoptive dad sometimes, but after I realised everything he'd done that my biological father hadn't, I adored him - still do.

Unfortunately I think she needs to work it out herself, and she will. And when she does it'll hurt, but she'll realise her dad was actually your partner all along.

comedycentral Wed 14-Sep-16 22:33:58

Do not do it, I can't believe you have even considered it.

malificent7 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:34:06

I have been referred to family therapy... Tbh it has messed with my head!

MrsJayy Wed 14-Sep-16 22:34:36

Your Dd is maybe saying this about her dad because the reality of him not being around is worse so she has made up fantasy dad please dont tell her she will get used to your partner he doesnt have to be her dad atm he is your boyfriend and that is ok he doesnt need to be dad untill she is ready

Sparklesilverglitter Wed 14-Sep-16 22:35:00

I can honestly see why you would want to but you can't. It could really effect her being told her own dad didn't want her

She's done something natural and build up an Image of what he is like and of course his the best thing ever but the reality would be some what different and she must know that kind of when she sees the dads her friends have got

Keep showing your DD that she's loved and if your dp keeps trying with her in the end she will let him in

comedycentral Wed 14-Sep-16 22:35:45

Your 8 year old is NOT trying to split you from your wonderful man, she's a child. Her real Dad's behavior seems to have left her craving for his attention.

SharonfromEON Wed 14-Sep-16 22:35:47

My DS doesn't see his dad..

I think there is a balance..I don't lie about Ex...I also don't make him out to he a knight in shinning armour..As he isn't and I don't want him spending his childhood on wanting someone who doesn't care.

I have had conversations when he has talked about what other dads did..I pointed out some dads sit in front of TV all night..Some are more interested in how much money they can make...Etc....We talked about everyday life . It may be worth thinking about what she thinks.

I think it is also worth addressing..No matter what happens you will never be in a relationship with dad.

I would also talk about what probs she has with DP....Is it too much too soon for her? is it about sharing you if her dad has never been around.

torontonian Wed 14-Sep-16 22:35:58

That is only going to hurt your DD, not her "real" dad. Please, don't say something so hurtful to her.

comedycentral Wed 14-Sep-16 22:36:39

Family therapy may really help you to overcome this, it sounds confusing and difficult

malificent7 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:37:37

I would never seriously do it but I needed to vent on here after being pushed to the limits ( again) by her tantruming over my dp and wanting her dad.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Wed 14-Sep-16 22:37:43

Maybe the way to go is he didn't want a baby not her personally. He wasnt ready to be a father but maybe one day he will realise what a fab dd she is etc. Surely letting her place him on a pedestal isn't healthy and is potentially setting her up for a bloody big fall?

stonecircle Wed 14-Sep-16 22:39:40

But surely as she gets older she'll work it out for herself - if he was so great he'd see her regularly etc. I don't see why you would need to say anything at all.

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