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Advice on SAHD and work split

(36 Posts)
Doingthingsdifferently Tue 13-Sep-16 21:26:19

I guess relationships is the right place, don't know.

We have two DCs, I work full time, we decided after DC2 that I would continue WOH and he would stay at home, quit the job he hated and do something he loves as a hobby but making enough to earn his tax free allowance per year.

We both knew that this would mean him working most weekends and some evenings with me working conventional (long) hours as main earner. But I just can't cope, every weekend he works (job requires weekend work) and I clean and look after the DCs so the house is normal (not overly clean but reasonable), by today when I get back after being out of the house for 14 hours the house is disgusting, washing, dishes, nappies everywhere, yet he has been out fun shopping, been to Costa, done some things for him/ his business (all with toddler who loves being with him-great dad) and done school pick up. So no he hasn't done nothing but I know, roles reversed, it wouldn't be like this and I feel that all the men I worked with today probably didn't come home exhausted to this crap. Is this normal? Is it me, I am just starting to feel used and exhausted, he complains he is exhausted too but, to me, he seems to have a load more downtime and Funtime. Happy to be told to get over myself and I know compared to this board these are small problems but would appreciate views. Thanks

slightlyinsane Tue 13-Sep-16 21:37:30

Right now this is the biggest problem in my house. I am a sahm and am expected to do everything, huge massive resentment from this. I'm here primarily to look after the kids and if I get chance (very very little at the moment) I'll do some of the housework. I also think some people don't understand the mundaneness that can come from being at home the majority of the time, sometimes I just can't even find the words for it. Yes I love my kids and am lucky to have the time I do but dam it's bloody hard.
You both need to be picking up on the crap that's involved with running the house and each do the proportion that's right for the amount of time at home.

deste Tue 13-Sep-16 21:39:40

I would say it's time for him to find a job Monday to Friday because he hasn't fulfilled his side of the bargain. I hope you say something to him about the mess. I certainly wouldn't be doing it when i got home and definitely not during the weekend. Next time you come home to this mess tell him you are going back out and the house had better be changed by the time you come back.

LellyMcKelly Tue 13-Sep-16 21:41:03

When I was a SAHM the house was clean (ish), clothes were laundered, and dinner was made - more or less. It wasn't a perfect system, but staying at home is a job as much as going out to work. That's not to say there weren't trips to Costa and the park, but he should be doing in the week what you do at the weekends.

MammouthTask Tue 13-Sep-16 21:47:37

I would normally agree with slight but in your situation, I think that your DH needs to pull his socks up.
It's all well and good for him to look after the DC and say it's his job so no time to do the cleaning BUT then how is it that you can do all the cleaning when you are at home at the weekend??

A big review is needed. Whether a SAHD or not, he has to do half of the HW too. Whether it's when he is with the DC, in the evening, whatever, there is no need to leave the house in a mess for you to sort.

MammouthTask Tue 13-Sep-16 21:49:59

Beside, he is NOT a SAHD like we think of a SAHM.
He is actually working weekends and some evenings so your organisation is much more of two people working shifts to avoid childcare costs.
All good but if you work and he works, then HW has to be done when you are with the dcs and that means him doing some of the tidying up, cleaning etc... When he is with the DC.

Joysmum Tue 13-Sep-16 22:14:56

As a SAHM I did pretty much everything.

Even so, I could still say that DH's hours out of the house through work equated to less than the 'work' I did at home. Of course there were times when I had bad weeks and he'd see and do things at home or get time off work.

So my rule of thumb is that both have equal leisure time but when one of other is feeling overwhelmed at times, this is seen with love and compassion and fairness of time doesn't come into it.

Doingthingsdifferently Tue 13-Sep-16 22:35:55

Thank you all for being so honest, mammoth that is spot on, it is more like shift work, neither of us are getting any down time away from children, chores or work so something has to give, it may need to be his all consuming hobby/job but that won't be well-received. I think it's back to the drawing board on how we make this work!

Trifleorbust Wed 14-Sep-16 05:59:31

What's his hobby? Do you get similar time for a hobby? I guess not.

SillySongsWithLarry Wed 14-Sep-16 06:07:14

DH is a SAHD. He does the bulk of the housework but I pull my weight in the evenings and weekends. I don't expect him to do all the housework, but I wouldn't be happy if he did none under the guise of caring for the children.

InTheDessert Wed 14-Sep-16 06:53:52

So, at any one time, one adult is working while one is doing child care, or its night time??
You need to get to a point where all chores fit into the childcare element of the split, as they can't be done while your asleep or working. And those chores need to be split equally between the two of you.
If DH was a SAHM without earning 10k evenings and weekends, it should fall to him. But your both effectively working, so chores need to be split.
In fact, it would be easier to have typed "what Mammoth said"

Ledkr Wed 14-Sep-16 07:08:27

If he kelt on top of stuff in the week then you'd not have to spend all weekend cleaning, so he is not being fair.

When you get home to a mess, do you clean it up or leave it, because I'd be inclined to leave it then he has to get up to it the next day so might think again.

rollonthesummer Wed 14-Sep-16 07:11:09

What did you say to him when you got home to that mess? I probably would have cried!!

NapQueen Wed 14-Sep-16 07:13:26

There are certain basics dh and I do when it's our days off with the kids (he works weekdays and I work some weekdays and some weekend days).

*do a food shop if we need anything
*ensure there is something in for dinner that evening and prep it where possible
*do at least one load of laundry
*keep on top of any mess made through the day (toys/rubbish/dishes
*get te kids out for fresh air
*take the kids to any pre planned stuff (parties/classes)

Neither of us expects to come home to a sparkling house but there is a basic standard.

icklekid Wed 14-Sep-16 07:13:31

I think it depends how old ds2 is to be honest. When under 1 if they are demanding can be hard to get things done. However it sounds like small changes- filling dishwasher rather than leaving pots out would make a big difference. Also if getting out and about should be less mess at home! Older dc should be able to help tidy - always good habit so not mess of toys everywhere. As for cleaning/cooking I agree you need to discuss how to do this fairly. I imagine it feels worse because his work is also his hobby!

Mellowautumn Wed 14-Sep-16 07:13:53

Imo he needs to decide - either he fits reasonable cleeaning in, or gives up hobby job and cleans at weekend or you both contribute to be cleaner.

Tangoandcreditcards Wed 14-Sep-16 07:15:21

Your set up is the same as mine (i WOH, DP SAHD and WAH eves and weekends). Our DCs are 2.6 and 8mo and I don't expect much apart from juggling the kids to be done in the day.

I'd strongly recommend getting a cleaner if you can. It makes an enormous difference if this responsibility is removed from everyone.

We put a system in place for laundry so it was clear who does what &when. (i.e. Darks Mon, colours wed, lights fri - him/Towels and bedding at weekend - me)

I batch cook at weekend (I'm by far the better cook!) which helps DP.

Like you, no-one gets a lot of downtime. With 2 little DCs and no additional childcare as well as both parents working - it's constant. And DP does use his down time while they nap etc on his business, wh if is fair enough especially as it frees up time at weekend to do family/social things.

Some days the place is a dump when I get in but I also know that sometimes that happens. Is it every day? How old is the toddler?

I couldnt resent him popping to Costa when I can get a coffee pretty much whenever I like on way to/from work or at lunch etc.

I do think dessert is right. A reasonable conversation about what HW is a) necessary and b) who it belongs to (or "when") would help you feel less like it just wasn't getting done.

My DP also does a lot of home maintenance / gardening projects that I don't necessarily appreciate as necessary (although I guarantee I'd notice if they weren't done) which we factor in as well. In turn I do nearly all the admin and finance.

Joysmum Wed 14-Sep-16 07:17:12

You need to get to a point where all chores fit into the childcare element of the split, as they can't be done while your asleep or working


That's why I've always considered the split of housework on how much leisure time each person has.

It would have been incredibly unfair for me to only consider my job as a SAHM to be childcare. It is perfectly possible and desirable to multitask otherwise neither of us would have had much leisure time, or time to relax together as a family. Plus it's beneficial to kids to to see there is work to be done at home and have their or chores to do.

bilboteabaggin Wed 14-Sep-16 08:34:17

It's funny there's a thread exactly like this but about a sahm, she was told to punch him in the dick she should be looking after children not cleaning.

Trills Wed 14-Sep-16 08:46:18

If he cannot clean or do washing while looking after children on weekdays, then you cannot clean or do washing while looking after children on weekends.

So apparently there is no time for anyone to clean.

Whatever will you do?

Joysmum Wed 14-Sep-16 09:11:53

Exactly Trills and I disagree with those sentiments an every thread of this type bilbo.

There's nothing wrong with multitasking and I'd rather spend as much time when DH isn't out if the house either having my own down time (DH relishes this as his precious time with DD rather than my downtime), family time or couples time. It makes me happier as an individual, us a stronger family unit and a happier couple.

Also investing time to multitask with the kids mean they learn what needs to be done and can take on their own chores too. An alround winning combination.

DoinItFine Wed 14-Sep-16 09:17:44

He is totally taking the piss out of you.

You are working long hours to facilitate him giving up his job so he can spend more time on his hobby.

And he's leaving you all the housework as well?

Tell him to get a proper job and pay his way, the scrounging bastard.

Madinche1sea Wed 14-Sep-16 09:24:59

OP - I'm not surprised you're exhausted and resentful because at the moment you're working full time and then doing childcare and housework around that on the weekends.

Not only do you never get a day off, but you and your DP never have a day together, sharing the care of the DC.

In terms of your DH and his apparent inability to do housework around the DC, I would say there's a huge difference between taking the view that cleaning is secondary to care of the kids (which it has to be) and just being a total slob. There's no need to be leaving nappies round the place, etc.

It sounds like he needs to get a bit better at multi-tasking and realise that this will make his own life easier too.

I'm a SAHM to 4 and you just get into a routine where multi-tasking is a way of life. If the house is a mess, I feel claustrophobic and I can't think straight. My DH just plays with the kids when he comes in because there's no need for him to do anything else. He does work very long hours though.

It sounds as if you're both too pushed and something needs to give. This will take a toll on your health and relationship if you're not careful.

Could you get a cleaner in, say on a Monday and Friday? He needs to get better at cleaning up as he goes.

It won't go on forever though and the DC will be in school soon enough.

DoinItFine Wed 14-Sep-16 09:50:50

Most people getting to give upna job they hated to get to devote themselves to earning fuck all pursuing their hobby would be incredibly grateful.

Very few adults with children get to make a choice like that.

And none do without either independent wealth, or another adult paying their way.

He has 5 days a week with the children. You have 2.

That means he shoukd be doung more than twice as much of the domestic work as you.

I'm all about taking the kids out and not being a slave to housework, but that is not possible if you can't make up your share in the evening or weekend.

He is notva SAHP with flexibility who can live life at a slow pace.

He is doing his hobby at night and at the weekends, so he needs to cover his share (5/7ths) during the day time.

Not just dump it all on you.

This is the problem with some SAHDs.

They take their male laziness and entitlement to women's labour with them.

For me our deal would be off.

I wouldn't dream of financing somebody pursuing their hobby rather than working while they openly took the piss out of me.

BlackVelvet1 Wed 14-Sep-16 09:53:37

Agree with tangoandcreditcards, there needs to be a balance. He is doing a lot of work looking after the kids and working (not sure I would call it a hobby when it's a job I like, my hobby costs money in fact).
He has to go out, it's needed for the toddler, but perhaps he can put a load of laundry before going out, etc...

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