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Am I being sexist?

(26 Posts)
amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 19:24:47

Have a really stressful fulltime job. Children now grown up and have successfully and happily flown the nest. House is always a mess as work all the time but maybe that's an excuse as I'm not that bothered.
Anyway been with OH for 25 years and always worked sometimes part time when kids were little. OH had big job and was always away or working late and I carried the load like single parent.
Never had joint account. I know. So he seemed to think his earnings were his and if I was short I had to pay it back.
Sometimes he feels the need to say he pays for everything in an argument. He doesn't and earns loads.
Anyway started a discussion with him this evening about working part time. Immediately he accused me of being sexist as he couldn't.
And tbh its partly true. I just thought it was odd that he was being so black and white and was using this stance as a power one iyswim.
Didn't seem to bother him all those years and suddenly this.
am I being sexist?
said it was like a man saying he had cooked his own tea.

SparklyStarShit Tue 13-Sep-16 19:27:04

No not sexist at all.

You've had to pay money back to him hmm red flag. This looks very unbalanced

Ifailed Tue 13-Sep-16 19:29:05

Kids have grown up and left? LTB, it's time for You Time.

Cats1ife Tue 13-Sep-16 19:32:04

Well does it not strike him as more than slightly sexist that you've done basically all the housework like a single mum for 25 years?

What kind of a man makes his own wife pay him back?!!! Beyond ridiculous.


BackforGood Tue 13-Sep-16 19:32:06

Of course it's not sexist.
Men can work PT - many do. Some women work in roles where their employers haven't yet seen the advantage of letting people work part time. The difference his particular job vs your particular job, not 'sexist' at all.

<I don't understand the bit about cooking your own tea, sorry>

BreatheDeep Tue 13-Sep-16 19:33:14

Sexist? No. I'm guessing he can't be part time because of his job. Because men are allowed to work part-time too....
A man cooking his own dinner isn't sexist either.
I'm confused

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 19:34:48

He said some men would think it was sexist that they cooked for themselves as an example.
Dear God.

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 19:37:16

Sexism doesn't seem to have been on his agenda ever.

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 19:44:02

when I challenged him he became agitated and said I was arguing? Went upstairs and basically didn't want to know and acted like I was a troublemaker.

PushingThru Tue 13-Sep-16 19:46:26

He sounds like he's learned a new word without bothering to check what it means confused

BabooshkaKate Tue 13-Sep-16 19:49:13

What the fuck.

So many things wrong.


VestalVirgin Tue 13-Sep-16 19:49:18

What? You could only work part time as you had to raise his children (yes, they are his children, too!) and he didn't even pay you for the childcare work you did for HIM?

If I read that correctly, then he's a sexist asshole who now, on top of it all accuses you of being sexist. Get rid of him asap.

Joysmum Tue 13-Sep-16 19:49:35

That's the actions of a man who doesn't value what you've bought to marriage as much as he values his own contribution.

Btw I don't do joint accounts but DH and I split disposable income equally and it goes into our own individual current accounts so we don't need to discuss money at all and know it's fair.

BreatheDeep Tue 13-Sep-16 19:51:08

A man cooking a meal isn't sexist. A man thinking he shouldn't cook a meal but has 'had' to is - is that what he means? Because otherwise he doesn't know what sexism is and he's just throwing it out there.

^^ grin

The grin as meant to be at PushingThru. Fred's moved on....

Scarydinosaurs Tue 13-Sep-16 19:56:26

I'm really sorry, I don't quite get the OP.

Is it that, you now work full time, and would like to drop back down to part time?

Or you work full time, and want him to consider your money as shared money, he still sees it as 'he pays for everything' when this was only true before?

Or something to do with him doing more housework?

FantasticButtocks Tue 13-Sep-16 20:06:34

If you've been bringing children up all the way to adulthood, you deserve to now choose how you spend your time! As long as household bills are covered, what does it matter what hours you work? You might have better things to do with your time. If your DH wants to change his life and work less too, I am sure you could both find a way to make it work.

Once our DCs were grown, we decided to up sticks and move to a much cheaper part of the country, but by the sea and utterly beautiful, in order that we could afford to both work less and have more time for fun together. As it turned out, DH prefers to work more, and I prefer to work less and have more time to spend on other things. We have three whole days off a week together - grin Your DH sounds as though he feels stuck in his work life and resentful that you feel free enough to change what you do, while he 'can't'. But he can. If he really wants to.

You've brought your dcs up and now there's more time for other things - wine

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 20:10:57

Well basically in an ideal world I would like to go part time but with him throwing things about like he pays for everything then I would feel vunerable. So was just throwing it out there to him and I got this odd response. I did say none of my friends worked so maybe he was refereeing to the fact we are all female.
In fact I think he only said it so he could feel powerful.
He has in the past earned loads and seen me fall short and then asked me to pay him back when I had more money.

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 20:12:42

Yes I would like to see the money as shared money without him thinking I owe him.

ImperialBlether Tue 13-Sep-16 20:18:13

Did you two marry, OP?

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 20:19:03


MostlyHet Tue 13-Sep-16 20:24:26

No you're not OP, but he sounds like a dick. Seriously, if I'm reading your OP right, he didn't do anything to contribute to housework, child rearing or household expenses while you did all of that while working full time. What on earth did he bring to the relationship? Has he got a gold-plated cock or something?

amibeingsexist Tue 13-Sep-16 20:29:48

No but he thinks his wallet should be. Ha

ImperialBlether Tue 13-Sep-16 21:31:12

I'm so relieved you're married. This is the sort of thread that is really frightening if the couple aren't married as there's very little room to manoeuvre.

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