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Dating dilemma. Are these red flags?

(122 Posts)
jaffacakesaremyfave Tue 13-Sep-16 18:04:01

Went on a date with a guy I've been chatting to for a while on Tinder and it went well.....too well that we ended up sleeping together-- even though I promised myself I wouldn't go there on a first date.
He was very complimentary on the date, kept telling me over and over how beautiful I am, I'm exactly the type of women he wants a relationship with to the point where it made me abit uncomfortable.

After we DTD he stayed over and cuddled me until morning. He kept squeezing me and telling me how lucky he is to have met me. It was all abit over the top and I'm pretty sure this is a red flag although he was quite convincing that he was genuinely just wearing his heart on his sleeve.

We met up again last night (and DTD again) and again he went on and on, trying to get me to agree to be exclusive and come off tinder. He said he's already deleted the app before this conversation but he still appears on my message list (so hasn't deactivated his profile).

He again stayed the night and cuddled me, and again went over the top with the compliments. He also text me as soon as he left saying sorry to keep me up and text me later in the day.

The problem is, I can't decide whether he is a genuine guy who doesn't have a clue with women and really is smitten (he's 35 so not that likely) or whether this is some sort of well rehearsed game?

He text me when I was at work asking for a selfie or me in my uniform and never asked how my day was etc. He doesn't really ask me many questions about my life. He rushing things.

Brutal honest opinion needed, what do you think is his MO?

Justmuddlingalong Tue 13-Sep-16 18:13:27

You're a regular shag. You need to either be OK with that too, or end it.

Sootica Tue 13-Sep-16 18:18:38

Red flag. Sounds like he likes the excitement and rush of being loved up so is pushing it towards that. He doesn't know you well enough to be so gushy. Also trust your instincts. What does he say his dating history is like?

SheldonsSpot Tue 13-Sep-16 18:23:21

How does he know you're exactly the type of woman he wants a relationship with when he's hardly asked you anything about yourself and doesn't really ask about your life?

Sounds like the type of woman he wants s relationship with is a regular guaranteed shag.

toots321 Tue 13-Sep-16 18:24:49

In my (awful) experience of dating this is something I recognise. It's like they are so fixated on wanting to be with someone and feeling those mushy feelings they rush things without even getting to really know YOU! Because it's all aboit them and how they feel! It could well be that he likes you lots but we don't really really know from one or two dates do we?! What is the rush with these guys?!

PopFizz Tue 13-Sep-16 18:27:28

Oh god I dated a guy like this. Drove me mad. Every time we kissed 'this is lovely" and all the cuddling and almost love declares after a month.

And he was as dull as shit tbh, I thinkhe went ott to cover that up?

He was genuine. And I'm sure a nice guy (seen him and hid a couple of times tbh!) But all that crap is not for me!!

LoveRosie2008 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:00:05

Could be genuine or could be a control thing. Controlling men often start out like this. If you stop and think about he is not stopping to see how you feel he is just wants it to be how he feels? If that makes sense?

oldlaundbooth Tue 13-Sep-16 19:03:32

Do all the compliments not drive you mad?

I'd get the feeling he was disingenuous.

Maybe I'm a cynic though.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops Tue 13-Sep-16 19:04:02

You have a head, two arms, two legs etc. exactly the sort of woman he wants to have a relationship with. Run - fast. Red flags in abundance here OP.

jaffacakesaremyfave Tue 13-Sep-16 19:04:42

He was in a relationship for about 6 years and has 3 children from that. He says he's been single for 2 years and was on tinder for 2 months but never went in any dates because he couldn't find someone he had enough of a connection with and the conversation fizzled out. He also said he hasn't had sex in 2 years as he's not into one night stands (too good to be true right?)

He's very very funny and intelligent, tall and fairly handsome with good bedroom skills which makes the former even more hard to believe.

He said he wanted to meet me because of my sense of humour and he felt an immediate connection. He also got me water at my house (4 floors down to the kitchen) and when I got up in the middle of the night (terrible headache) he put a duvet over me and cuddled me there.

That's exactly why the compliments make me so uncomfortable, he doesn't know me at all and can't be this sure he wants to be with me.

I do like him so how can I catch him out of he is only after one thing? How do I slow down the pace. Do I just tell him to stop with all the compliments? I don't want to be harsh if he really is genuine but I don't want to be used for sex either


Justmuddlingalong Tue 13-Sep-16 19:08:19

Meet him for a few dates. Stop spending time at home, where sex is more likely.

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive Tue 13-Sep-16 19:08:40

Talk to him. Explain how all the gushing is making you feel. Either he will take note and tone it down or he won't and you will know where you stand.
Also put it on the table that you want to get to know him better and vice versa before you make any commitments.

SheldonsSpot Tue 13-Sep-16 19:11:15

Have you actually been out on these dates or have both been at your house?

FreddyFireflyCanFeckOff Tue 13-Sep-16 19:12:31

It's weird. I say go with your instincts, if you feel its weird, it's weird.

Did I mention it was weird?

jaffacakesaremyfave Tue 13-Sep-16 19:13:01

First date was out and he paid for everything. Second date was at mine because he 'had to see me'

LoveRosie2008 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:23:03

On second thoughts it's probably due to the fact he hasn't had sex for 2 years. Just tell him to calm down a bit. smile

HermioneWeasley Tue 13-Sep-16 19:28:11

Do you think you like him? Is it worth telling him to calm down?

jaffacakesaremyfave Tue 13-Sep-16 19:33:53

I do like him, I'm just scared of getting hurt and my pride being damaged if I get caught out by yet another arsehole. I'm trying to fine tune my dickhead filter but it's hard to unlearn 31 years of relationship disasters.

I just text him telling him to calm things down as he was asking if I had come off tinder yet. I guess his response will say a lot about his intentions

BreatheDeep Tue 13-Sep-16 19:36:18

He could be genuine, especially if that dating history is true. He might just be excited that he's met someone he likes finally.
My DH never liked ONS either. He had a few but would always prefer a relationship.

PrimarySchoolQ Tue 13-Sep-16 19:37:26

Red flags. Doesn't care about you the person. He cares about having a woman shaped person to do the romance checklist with. If you do something that doesn't fit his image of what a woman is or aren't appreciative enough of his checklist romance, you'll see the real him I reckon.

EarthboundMisfit Tue 13-Sep-16 19:39:38

What's it like when you chat? Does it feel like you could talk for hours?

jaffacakesaremyfave Tue 13-Sep-16 19:42:15

Yes Earth, we definitely have a connection and the same sense of humour. I feel really comfortable around him and my cheeks hurt from laughing. The only thing that's uncomfortable is the constant compliments.

Here is what he sent earlier

I really really like you Jaffa. And because of the fear of getting hurt again I need to ask what you're looking for. I'm not bothered about the tinder thing but it's just I'm a one woman kinda guy and am kinda hoping we are onto something good here but tell me if I'm on the wrong boat or if you're just after some fun.

Too much isn't it?

I told him to back off and he said he would but still not sure. Sounded abit disingenuous again hmm

SheldonsSpot Tue 13-Sep-16 19:43:44

It's all very generic isn't it... "You're so beautiful, you're so lovely, you're exactly what I'm looking for", but when it comes to anything of real substance... He doesn't really ask me many questions about my life.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Tue 13-Sep-16 19:46:31

Tell him you are on your period. And it's likely to last ten days....

BreatheDeep Tue 13-Sep-16 19:47:25

I dunno. It's hard to say from words on a forum. I don't think that message is too 'full on' but it depends on context and how he is in person. How long were you chatting on tinder before meeting up?

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