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Do I need to be careful?

(43 Posts)
magichen Tue 13-Sep-16 12:54:37

I have namechanged for this!

So I started a new job a few months ago, working very closely with a male colleague. I am happily married with a Ds however I have noticed something between me and this colleague and I'm not sure what it is.

Basically he is my boss, and we clicked straight away. He has disclosed some very personal things an openly talks about his (bad) relationship with his wife and family. He often winks at me and tells me how easy it is to talk to me. Last week he intimated how dissappointed he was that I was going on annual leave. He also told me of an argument he had with his wife over me (she is jealous that he is working with someone younger than him), an has somehow found the need to tell me this a couple of times almost like he is wanting a reaction of some sort from me.

I have found myself disclosing stuff to him without really meaning to but i find it easy to talk to him too.

For the record I am not looking for an affair and nor do I find him attractive in any way however I can't help but feel there is somehing developing between us and I'm not sure how to stop it if there is.

I'm hoping it is just friendship and we just get in really well like I do with all my friends, do I just feel differently because he is male?

I

MatildaTheCat Tue 13-Sep-16 12:57:08

You may not be looking for an affair but he probably is. Be careful as this could end badly.

pinkyredrose Tue 13-Sep-16 12:58:26

He just wants to get his leg over, he probably does this with all new young female members of staff as they haven't yet found out what a creep he is. Stop telling him personal things for a start. When he tells you personal things about his life just look him in the eye and say "why are you telling me that"?

peppercold Tue 13-Sep-16 12:59:29

He's telling you he's in a bad relationship, that his wife is jealous of you and he winks? He dosent want to be your friend.

AudTheDeepMinded Tue 13-Sep-16 12:59:58

He's not your friend, he's your colleague. Keep it all professional and above board, you are in a vulnerable position.

Prawnofthepatriarchy Tue 13-Sep-16 13:01:39

This guy is obviously trawling for an affair. Bad relationship with his wife? Winks at you? Surely it couldn't be more obvious what he wants?

Back right off. Keep conversation work based. Be friendly but in a professional, cool way.

Somerville Tue 13-Sep-16 13:02:09

Everything PP's said, plus, if you haven't already, tell your husband.

FluffyPersian Tue 13-Sep-16 13:09:43

'Sorry to hear you're having a hard time with your wife, I feel so lucky to have a really strong relationship with my Husband, I hope things get sorted for you both, soon'.... and shut down the conversation

'I can't say I'm sorry to be going on annual leave, I'm looking forward to spending some time with my Husband.'... and shut down the conversation.

And I agree with the other posters about telling your Husband - if you call your Boss out on it, he'll say he was 'Only being friendly' or 'Didn't mean anything' and you are reading way too much into it, which could in turn create an atmosphere - Therefore I'd just ensure not to disclose anything about YOUR relationship to him, other than to reiterate it's strong and you're happy.

Hopefully he'll stop when he realises he doesn't stand a chance.

magichen Tue 13-Sep-16 13:11:04

Thanks guys, I wasn't sure if I was reading something into it or not. My gut feeling was I needed to be careful. I haven't told my husband as I know he will read too much into it even if there was no intention there.
Going forward, it will be strictly professional work stuff, I have never been in this situation before and nor do I care to be in the future!

alicebiscuits Tue 13-Sep-16 13:12:52

Creepy man, not a friend in any way. Clearly buttering you up for sex. Sorry it's not a pleasant place to be when he's your boss. It may seem sort of intriguing, but it's not. I'd tell your husband.

MrsJoeyMaynard Tue 13-Sep-16 13:12:55

I'd back off and try and keep conversations to professional work related stuff.

benbry Tue 13-Sep-16 13:13:14

You are a bit naive I'm afraid. It's going to be tricky turning this around and you will have to very careful how you do it. Damaging your boss's ego is never a good idea.

Cats1ife Tue 13-Sep-16 13:26:14

Oh god - there is usually one of these in any work / office scenario. Predatory and trying it on with anyone who hasn't yet sussed him. "Problems at home".. yadda, yadda - trying to draw you in as his confidant. He will have been doing this for years, I expect. Some men can't seem to help themselves.

Are you sure you're not attracted to him?

Keep it professional would be my advice. These things rarely end well.

WTAFF Tue 13-Sep-16 13:31:05

Oh my word. You need to shut this down as quickly as possible. As PPs have said, you are in a difficult position.

I feel sorry for this poor mam's wife. She s obviously aware of his behaviour and it is affecting her to the extent that they are having arguments about it. It sounds to me like this is a fairly regular occurrence. Why would he tell you about this argument if he wasnt angling for an affair?

Good luck!

Somerville Tue 13-Sep-16 13:32:35

Honestly, tell your husband. Even if you are attracted to your boss.
Scratch that, especially if you're attracted to your boss.

I've seen several women caught out by situations like these. Where the 'flirting' has got more extreme and they've realised it actually borders on sexual harassment now and they need to report it. But then feel they can't because the context is necessary to do so and they didn't tell their significant others early on and now it might look like they were actually having an emotional affair...

SandyY2K Tue 13-Sep-16 13:43:27

You may not be looking for an affair. Most people who have affairs aren't actively looking for one, but so many affairs start off like this ...

I have found myself disclosing stuff to him without really meaning to but i find it easy to talk to him too.

If care isn't taken he'll start complementing you and saying how understanding you are ... and how lucky your DH is .... and how he wishes his wife was like you. He's trying to reel you in and has probably done it before.

How do you imagine the conversation with his wife about you started? Try and imagine how your DH might come to talk about a younger woman at work.

He's nothing but a creep and he's trying to work his charm with you. Sounds like you're feeling flattered and if you don't pull back on the personal talk ... this will cause trouble down the line.

Desmondo2016 Tue 13-Sep-16 13:54:23

It's a really familiar sounding situation. On your part it's that feeling when you can find yourself being 'attracted' (not always in a sexual way) with someone with whom you have a shared interest/venture. Do you find yourself just paying that little bit more attention to how you look at work. It's that kind of craving the attention even though you genuinely don't need or want it from that person. It's partly human nature I think. We like attention and we like to feel that someone thinks we're nice.

It is, however, a recipe for disaster. On his part it is not just a nice mutual understanding and friendship. It's fishing for an affair, it's being a two faced spineless cunt where his wife is concerned. It's being a typically shallow bastard who's simply looking to get his rocks off wherever he can.

Stop engaging with it in any way immediately. If it goes on any longer or further you will start having professional implications to consider which may make you feel like it's harder to stop it without causing a problem for yourself at work.

You don't have to talk to him about this. You don't have to tell anyone else about this including DH. Just simply change your own behaviour, create a little bit of distance between you and him and keep it purely related to work with absolutely nothing else. If he starts talking about his wife or about anything else that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable then move away, change the subject or, if you really need to, tell him that you would rather he didn't discuss his personal life with you as it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable - then offer to put the kettle on with a big friendly grin and revert to being colleague immediately.

Desmondo2016 Tue 13-Sep-16 13:54:26

It's a really familiar sounding situation. On your part it's that feeling when you can find yourself being 'attracted' (not always in a sexual way) with someone with whom you have a shared interest/venture. Do you find yourself just paying that little bit more attention to how you look at work. It's that kind of craving the attention even though you genuinely don't need or want it from that person. It's partly human nature I think. We like attention and we like to feel that someone thinks we're nice.

It is, however, a recipe for disaster. On his part it is not just a nice mutual understanding and friendship. It's fishing for an affair, it's being a two faced spineless cunt where his wife is concerned. It's being a typically shallow bastard who's simply looking to get his rocks off wherever he can.

Stop engaging with it in any way immediately. If it goes on any longer or further you will start having professional implications to consider which may make you feel like it's harder to stop it without causing a problem for yourself at work.

You don't have to talk to him about this. You don't have to tell anyone else about this including DH. Just simply change your own behaviour, create a little bit of distance between you and him and keep it purely related to work with absolutely nothing else. If he starts talking about his wife or about anything else that makes you feel a bit uncomfortable then move away, change the subject or, if you really need to, tell him that you would rather he didn't discuss his personal life with you as it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable - then offer to put the kettle on with a big friendly grin and revert to being colleague immediately.

nueday8 Tue 13-Sep-16 13:58:51

He is not a friend to you or your marriage shut it down he is your boss. If you need a friend find one who is female.

Monochromecat Tue 13-Sep-16 14:02:37

'I have found myself...' Etc there seems to be a theme in your post of none of this being your fault in anyway, shape or form... Sounds to me like you could stop this if you wanted to. Do you??

whimsical1975 Tue 13-Sep-16 14:04:34

So he wants a bit on the side and the only way to reel you in is to tell you how awful his marriage is!!! This is the oldest line in the book!!! I would bet millions that his wife has a very different view of what their marriage is like, unless she's found out about all his other affairs. As for the argument... really??? There probably was no argument about you at all, he was no doubt throwing that scenario out there to see what your reaction would be.

Keep this WELL above board and I promise he will be smooching up to the next woman... let her deal with him... he's sounds absolutely revolting!!!

magichen Tue 13-Sep-16 16:00:23

I agree with you all. I do intend to shut this down. Desmondo is rightthe only thing I need to do is change my behaviour, I may or may not tell dh, he has met my colleague before and I don't want to create any weird feeling between them when it's not necessary.

Mono - yes I want to stop the unwanted attention, I have no interest in this man.

GingerbreadCake Tue 13-Sep-16 16:09:12

You can see where this is going that's why your posting here. If you don't want an affair keep things professional. Sounds like you're being flattered into an affair. Do you feel unloved by your DH?

GingerbreadCake Tue 13-Sep-16 16:09:21

You can see where this is going that's why your posting here. If you don't want an affair keep things professional. Sounds like you're being flattered into an affair. Do you feel unloved by your DH?

Luvjubs Tue 13-Sep-16 16:22:03

God he's being so stereo typical it's unreal. I'd it money on the fact that there's nothing wrong with his relationshi with his wife and you are just another potential notch on the bed post during his mid-life crisis. Don't feel special if I were you, bet he's the same with all new females at work

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