Hello MN. Long time lurker, apologies for the user2764916387542378 name but it may be best for this...
My dad has been a controversial kind of figure in my life, and recently I've had to seriously consider our relationship. Background:
Dad is 60, Mum is 50. Divorced 20+ years ago, I'm the only daughter and I'm 24. I am trying to keep it short but even writing it is therapeutic and I don't know how to cut it short really
My dad did lots of messed up stuff - he was always involved in storing/selling stolen goods and other 'dodgy' dealings and when they were together she had to collude with him. After they split up he tricked her into giving up her share of the house and made my mum homeless, demanded I stay with him. Didn't last long and he handed me 'back' when he got tired of doing it all. OW moved in (now SM)
My mum really, really tried to be impartial about him when I wasn't old enough to get this. I was super Daddy's Girl from 5-10, lots of holidays, lots of stuff, my mum had nothing but built herself up. Then I witnessed my dad being arrested about age 11, and things just tumbled downhill from there. Teenage years meant I understood what he was arrested for, why it happened then and the role my SM played. SM decided to ban me from their house, and my dad just went along with it, so from 13-18 I wasn't allowed in his house. When he picked me up from DM (hours late) we just drove around all the time.
Since then he told me he split up with SM but found out that wasn't true, they were living separately but spending Christmas together whilst he told me how lonely he was, how much he missed me, how he couldn't function on his own. He still harassed my mum all the time and randomly came round to her house or called her whilst in the car looking at her on the street. Writing that down is terrifying.
Anyway, now he's told me they're back together, they've moved house, he has step GC who live with him, changed career. He has fancy holidays every year, just like when I was a kid, except it is all SM family and his friends (he claims he doesn't have friends). In this period we've barely spoken, maybe twice a year for less than ten minutes, met up less than 5 times. He didn't come to my graduations (bailed on the first one 10 mins before, didn't invite him to the second)
Now, my problem. My DM is being investigated by specialists, signed off work for ages. She wants to see me and DP get married (recently engaged) and she really doesn't want him there. I have some family but a lot of friends and my mum's XP family who supported us and still do. I am preparing for the worst news re DM diagnosis, and honestly? Yeah, why should he be there. I have a messed up family on all sides and I'm having to exclude abusive maternal relatives. I just feel that people see that and think "well your dad is still around and you won't give him a chance" but he has had many, many chances. I just want "permission" granted from somebody, I suppose. I'll never be no contact but I think our low contact arrangement frankly represents his effort and why should I keep trying. He loves nicking photos from my FB and posting about his clever DD but he has no idea what I have been doing for the last 4 years. His mates probably think he's dad of the year, especially with the GC, and I don't actually fault him on the GC.
Advice is gratefully received. Including if I'm being unfair to him.
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
My dad is pretty happy with his 'other' life - is it bad that I am happier without him?
user1472750970 · 13/09/2016 09:46
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