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Shock of ending of marriage

(21 Posts)
IHulaNaked Tue 13-Sep-16 08:29:44

My husband has left: it was mutual in terms of I was unhappy too.

I am in shock. We were together 10 years. I have kids. I thought perhaps he would come back one day and we'd struggle on. But now he had a new GF and is speaking as if it's properly over. Which is fine, but I am scared.

I am unemployed after several years at home with kids. It's scary going back to work. I don't want to claim benefits (pride, embarrassment etc). But I haven't been as pro active about getting a job as I have been. I've become disheartens abou a few rejected applications.

I guess I feel lonely and need to talk to people who perhaps have had husbands leave and miss them even though they know the relationship is over. How do I draw a line under the relationship? How do I change my mindset so that I'm not feeling this is just some temporary blip? We weren't legally married so thankfully no paperwork.

No family by the way. Good friends, yes.

I'm just speaking off the top of my head. Anyway school run...


Tiggeryoubastard Tue 13-Sep-16 08:31:44

Why call him your husband if you weren't married? confused

hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Sep-16 08:38:49

It takes time!
It's as simple as that.
So give yourself time.
You will miss him hugely.
10 years is a long time. You will need to grieve for the loss of your relationship.
But.... you will move on. And things will get better.
Don't let pride get in your way here.
You need some help and benefits are for people like you who need them for a while to see them through.
No shame in it at all.
How are you applying for jobs?
Get to some local agencies and get yourself on their books.
You will get loads of rejections before you get something, so don't let that put you off.
Or maybe consider something self employed?
Child minder, cleaner....??

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 13-Sep-16 08:46:36

You poor thing. It's very difficult and I think it's normal to 'grieve' for a partner that's left so give yourself time. You will adjust to your new situation and although it's hard to imagine, you will be happy again and glad you split.

It might help to keep reminding yourself why you separated rather than looking back wistfully at the past through rose tinted glasses. Don't think of it as a failure but be proud that you had the strength to change things rather than 'struggling on.'

It must be hard for your children if he was a step father to them(?) Will he keep in contact?
Speaking to your friends will help too.

MyKingdomForBrie Tue 13-Sep-16 08:50:05

Yeah totally the point tigger biscuit

OP this is an absolutely horrible situation but like pp said it's all about time, you will recover and move forward. This is the most horrible but, just be kind to yourself and take each day as best you can without trying to push yourself to be ok.

whensitmyturn Tue 13-Sep-16 09:12:43

Compassionate and insightful post there tigger biscuit

I'm going through a similar thing, in that I've told my dh I want a divorce after 11 years together although he had an affair last year (we separated then but had been trying again this year).
Even though he has done so many things wrong it's still hard and the above poster is right you sometimes sit and think fondly of things which is fine but you need to tell yourself the reasons you broke up. Keep a list and read it whenever you start thinking 'was it so bad?'

I also had to go on bebefits and it hasn't been fun but no one has treated me horribly about it and I'm doing it for my children.
Have a look at local colleges, I managed to get an nvq last year with free course tuition as I was on income support. Really helped me build some self confidence and is great for my cv.

Just wanted to say I understand how you feel.

IHulaNaked Tue 13-Sep-16 10:03:53

Thank you for messages. It's really nice to hear that I'm understood. It's hard even though I know it's for the best. And obviously you want to try everything "for the kids". It's a massive shift.

It's irrelevant and sorry for the Confusion but we had a religious ceremony and didn't "get around" to have legal British marital status. That may be telling of how we viewed our marriage! And they weren't his step kids. We were ou first and only partners.

I think even though life is hard, it's so comforting being unchallenged and just having the same arguments. Now I have new scary challenges which will be good for me if I Push through.

Thanks whenitsmyturn. I hope your situation improves. My ex(!) did something similar (slept with a prostitute when I was pregnant). Even though you move on things like that don't go away. I want to say I've tried. I'm really upset people just keep telling me it's very important to stay together for the the kids, or life has ups and downs, nobody is perfect, the grass is not greener, etc etc. I feel like I'm wrong and a failure to leave the relationship. Why couldn't I just suck up imperfection and go on with a stiff upper lip?

And thanks hellsbells. I haven't tried agencies ever before, perhaps I should. Need to stop procrastinating. Fear of forms! I'm using online job sites to search. I haven't started any of the paper work and issues that need to happen yet.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties Tue 13-Sep-16 10:13:44

Sorry, I don't know why I assumed he was a step dad. Misread your Op I think.

Things will get easier and as pps have said, there's no shame in claiming some benefits if you need to. The CSA or job centre are usually helpful with advising you what you are entitled to, job searching and compiling a CV. You are also entitled to some financial support from the children's father.
Don't push yourself to feel better straight away. Your life must feel turned upside down at the moment.

IHulaNaked Tue 13-Sep-16 13:46:27

Yeah, I'm flitting between scowling and raging at my ex and looking sadly through old e-mails. I'm completing at application form but sadly I can't seem to divorce myself from procrastination.


hellsbellsmelons Tue 13-Sep-16 14:13:47

This is a great saying grin

I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once

Take your time! Don't rush anything.

IHulaNaked Tue 13-Sep-16 21:15:17

haha smile
Must be kind to self and patient
Easier said than done!!
Thank you for kind words

IHulaNaked Fri 16-Sep-16 10:13:17

I don't think I can do this.
Too many tears today.
I wish I was not a parent so I could just disappear.
I'm too weak to do anything. Weak as a person not weak physically.
I can't do this. I can't navigate life.

TheStoic Fri 16-Sep-16 10:18:31

This feeling will pass, ihula. Just acknowledge your thoughts and feelings, but please believe they won't last.

MunchCrunch01 Fri 16-Sep-16 10:22:16

Getting in front of temping agencies is a good call - they have client contacts already set up, and they see you face to face and gauge that you're trustworthy etc so can be a shortcut to getting some good experience. Working's a great way to widen your circle of people too which will help with adjusting and settling on. It is for the best in the long run if neither of you were happy, tough though it is now.

ddrmum Fri 16-Sep-16 10:23:26

Hula - you can do this, but take time to be kind to yourself. You are not weak, you are goinf through a tough time. Can you take yourself out today & just have coffee with a friend?? It's a big change in your life and lots of changes which won't happen overnight. Let the tears come. flowersfor you.

Froginapan Fri 16-Sep-16 10:24:32


You are going to be very up and down and that's normal and ok. Don't judge yourself harshly for the way you are feeling.

Break things down into small chunks. Make lists of things you need to do and cross off each item as you've completed it - seeing your lists being completed in black and white can help to show you what you are achieving even if it's just 'clean the toilet' - that toilet getting cleaned (or whatever) shows you that you ARE doing this.

Have s look at the turn to us website to figure out what you will get in benefits.

Find out if your local council has a family support unit - if they do and you are eligible for help take it. The service is there to support you during family crisis and can help to take some of the weight off your shoulders by helping you navigate these early break-up times.

Do something for yourself - ask a friend to have your kids for a couple of hours and go for a walk in a pretty park or get a massage or anything that can help to lift your spirits.

I am 7 months down the line - it's been really hard and I still have plenty of bad days but it does get easier.

IHulaNaked Fri 16-Sep-16 10:35:50

Will read and reply after gym class
Endorphins plus MN WILL make me unstoppable I'm sure. Sorry late reading and running. As you can see my mood is turbulent.

Froginapan Fri 16-Sep-16 10:55:38

You're getting out and going to the gym.

That's great!


hellsbellsmelons Fri 16-Sep-16 11:00:45

You'll have some seriously awful times.
Some ups and loads of downs.
You just need to ride that storm.
I used to find a corner and curl up into a ball and cry for hours and hours at a time.
It was a truly horrendous time. 6 years on and I still get teary thinking about how I was back then.
But we can ALL tell you - you WILL get through this.
Cry when you're away from the kids.
It really helps to get things out.
But.... you won't cry yourself out.
You will be amazed at how many tears one person can produce at any one time.
But you WILL get through it.
The tears will lessen. The better times will become longer.
And then one day you just won't cry at all.
And it all starts to look a bit clearer.
Give yourself time and come on here for support.
I wish I could reach through the screen and give you a big hug.
Get as much RL support around you as you can.
My friends and family got me through it, once I'd told them.
Use them, they want to help you!

IHulaNaked Fri 16-Sep-16 12:00:54

Thank you for all your words.
Really really nice to read.
Sad and crying straight after class.
Will reply when more positive.
Thank you all of you so much.
I feel like I know what to do and yet I am not doing it (job applications, applying for any relevant benefits etc). Feels so daunting. I'm my own worst enemy. Future feels bleak "I can't/won't do it" type attitude.

IHulaNaked Fri 16-Sep-16 17:22:25

Well today I achieved at least one tsk which was to apply for JSA. Gulp.
The landlord was being really iffy about accepting housing benefit for his rent though so I'm worried about that.
I'll apply for housing benefit next.

Temping agencies sound like a good idea. I may calling them tempting agencies in my mind to cheer me up smile

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