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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Wanting commitment and stability

27 replies

Floppywillow · 13/09/2016 06:10

I have been with my partner for nearly 9 years. 6 years ago I moved into his house but we moved and got a house together three years ago. I put no deposit down and he was able to pay half the house with the agreement I would have a 20% share. This did not happen and at times I have felt like a lodger. I pay the bills as well as housework and he pays the mortgage Iast night I asked for the commitment and to sort the original agreement is this fair?

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sofato5miles · 13/09/2016 06:26

You need the commitment, I understand that. He might not want to give it to you.

FWIW, i moved in to my boyfriend's after 6 months. He earned 5 x my salary. We were married a year later. It was very important for him to have the commitment and marriage. Now, our children and I are protected.

Do you have children?

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 13/09/2016 07:36

Yes, I think you're being fair. What was his reaction when you mentioned it last night?

Floppywillow · 13/09/2016 17:48

Sofato5miles- We do not have any children together but he has a son who is now 10 who comes and stays and I have been a second mum to since he was 1.

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Floppywillow · 13/09/2016 17:51

Buttered toast and strawberry jam- he was quite upset and said he must have reacted wrong in the past for me to feel a need. He just went really quiet and withdraw. I feel a little worried.

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AyeAmarok · 13/09/2016 17:57

Does he want to keep the whole house as "his" for his son perhaps?

Floppywillow · 13/09/2016 20:23

That is what he says both his children but i also have 2 sons. If anything happened to him I would have to leave. I just want security and equality.

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Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 20:39

I wouldn't give 20% of my house to my girlfriend (even of many years) right after I just paid for 50% of it myself!
So he pays 50% and immediately you own 20, him 30 and the bank 50?
Nope. And especially not if I had children.

Wrong of him to suggest it then back down though - I wouldn't have even suggested it.

What I would do is share the further equity with my partner if they were contributing to the mortgage (i.e. Paying more than 50% of the bills, or a significant portion of their income if we had different incomes)

9 years is a long time, but I don't see why he should just hand over equity that he paid for. But it would be a dealbreaker to me to agree the share going forward - and act on that re deeds.

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 20:40

"If anything happened to him" is fairly easy to sort out. What does his will say?

Far more likely than his early death and far more difficult to sort out is what happens if you simply split up.

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 20:41

"At times I have felt like a lodger"

That's because legally, you probably are.

AyeAmarok · 13/09/2016 20:52

If you're only contributing to bills, could you save a deposit yourself and buy a buy-to-let property that will be in just your name and give you some security for your DC?

painbadger · 13/09/2016 21:20

If he wants to keep all the house then it is not fair that you pay all the bills (and do all the housework). I can understand how you feel like a lodger.It is unfair that he offered you 20% and then just didn't organise the paperwork without discussing why he had changed his mind. He shouldn't have tried to make you feel guilty by bringing the situation up.

You need to sit down with him and discuss your fears about the future security for you and your DC and come to some agreement. The buy to let idea upthread is a good one.

Do you also buy all the groceries and laundry stuff etc as well as the bills - does it come to more per month than rent would? Do you think he deliberately kept you out of contributing to the mortgage payment so you would potentially have no claim on the property?

Floppywillow · 14/09/2016 06:06

Cabrina I did contribute before we moved. 20% was agreed because this was what we are both contributing towards now. I pay all the bills apart from mortgage so it is fair.

At the moment he is saying sell the house , leave our jobs and live abroad on the money. Obviously money means more to him than me.

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Floppywillow · 14/09/2016 06:09

Pain badger- I did sit and discuss it with him the other day and told him how I feel. I do laundry bills and usual things in the house and was just about to pay to have the garden landscaped;not cheap.
He is thinking of selling up and moving now. Hopefully these are just thoughts. Thank you for being there.

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SillySongsWithLarry · 14/09/2016 06:14

If after 9 years he doesn't want to give you protection and security I would be looking for independence from him. You could be half way to clearing your own mortgage by now. I had 33% equity when I married my DH, who had no assets - what's mine is very much his. There is no question about not wanting to protect him and share with him.

sofato5miles · 14/09/2016 06:18

How old are you both? Can you survive comfortably on your own?

Paying for all the bills is ludicrous, if he pays the same amount into the mortgage. It keeps everything weighted in his favour and is a deliberate exclusion tactic on his part, to protect his asset. Of i were you i would be really pissed off.

He has a live in lover, 50% of costs and 100% of investment profit. How are the chores managed?

In regards to the garden, i simply wouldn't pay for it until he official recognises it as your home too.

sofato5miles · 14/09/2016 06:20

Arsehole to think of selling up and moving because you challenge the status quo

Floppywillow · 14/09/2016 06:31

We are both in early fifties- very early! At the moment I feel hurt that that is his initial response. It does seem that he is not ready for commitment of any kind.

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Cabrinha · 14/09/2016 06:45

"Not ready" does not apply to a man in his 50s who you have been with for 9 years and lived with for 6.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but the phrase you need is "doesn't want".

I'm not quite sure whether the selling up comment was a musing that's come up before or a deliberate distraction from talking about the house? If the latter, I'd really re-assess being with him.

TBH, I wouldn't stay with him because he has gone back on the 20% and now won't talk about it.

My fiancé and I talk openly about pre nups and ring fencing our two houses for our children. We wouldn't dream of shutting down the other's conversation or concerns.

Sounds like part of the reason he had a 50% deposit was because you'd been paying half his previous mortgage for 3 years 😔

How about you stop with the idea of landscaping his garden (his) and use that money towards a deposit for your own house? Speak to a solicitor but I doubt you've got much claim on his house, most likely you only have lodger status.

Get out now whilst you're young enough for a mortgage, you won't be for long.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2016 06:47

You didn't answer on the will question. I'm guessing the two of you haven't sorted that out and you would get nothing.

Floppywillow · 14/09/2016 06:51

No will sorted. How did you guess.

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ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 14/09/2016 07:02

I can't believe he's got the cheek to ask you for a contribution to the garden costs.

morningrunner · 14/09/2016 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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morningrunner · 14/09/2016 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha · 14/09/2016 07:15

You need to be practical about this.
You're 50.
You will retire at 67.
What if he dies or you split up at 66.
Will your pension cover private rental?
Do you want it to? Or do you want to be in your own home?
Even if you had 20% of the equity in current home, would that get you a mortgage aged 67? Or be used up in rent within 5 years? You need to do your figures.

If home ownership is your goal, you need to act now.

It's pointless to wring your hands and say you're hurt and that you "hope" he doesn't sell up and go abroad. You can't stop him. Your housing status is one of the least legally protected there is. As a lodger, he doesn't even have to give you notice.

You can say to him tonight "this isn't what we agreed" and he can say "fuck this - move out this weekend".

If I were him I'd even argue that there was never any intention for you to jointly own because 3 years ago you didn't take the opportunity of a joint mortgage or going on deeds.

I would speak to a solicitor about whether you could establish an interest. I think it would be hard.

BreatheDeep · 14/09/2016 07:18

He is clearly excluding you from any rights to the house. That's why you are paying all the bills etc while he pays the mortgage. I'd call him out on it. That's not fair at all.

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