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Struggling to get over my relationship - am I unforgiving

(18 Posts)
Mummydummy Mon 12-Sep-16 23:40:24

Had a super passionate intense long distance relationship for over a year. We would meet every 3 months for a couple of weeks. When we were good we were amazing, great fun, passion, mutual belief and love. He is hugely handsome, charismatic, funny quirky and I did adore him. But he was a very difficult man - anxiety, MH issues which he expected to me to understand. We had a lot of terrible rows and he did a number of things that hurt me hugely.
- he said he would never say sorry - he just wouldn't and he didn't ever
- he would walk out on me at the first tension - sometimes going off all night on a bender
- if I was upset he would be cold, hard and mean and laugh at my tears
- he finished the relationship on lots of occasions - often when I was very far from home in a foreign city
- when I turned up to meet him and his friends he would ignore me and then say he felt left out or it was because of his anxiety
- if we were out with other people he showed me no affection and wouldn't come home with me if he still wanted to drink ( even if it was at 11.30 or 12 at night)
- if I raised any of these issues with him he told me I was needy, weak, clingy, not an independent woman
Earlier this year my mother died and he came to look after me. But in the end it became all about him, moods, walking out, in the pub all day, crying etc. I was just relieved when he left and then ended it. I couldn't take it anymore.
For months he begged me to reconsider, told me he loved me and would've done anything for me. Over the top words. But I tried really hard to maintain no contact.
Last week, my grief for my mum welled up and was overwhelming - and at a weak moment I called him. Sadly contact descended into toxic stuff - none of our issues have ever been resolved. He said he'd forgiven me but I would never forgive him, I was narcissistic and didn't take responsibility for my own happiness expecting a man to provide it all. I know I was stupid to reopen comms but it's also true I haven't forgiven him. Should I have done? I am still angry with him and hurt - he would never compromise. Tell me I'm better off without him.

BTW I'm divorced for 8 years, with 2 really happy teens and a job as a CEO and Director. I have lots of friends who tell me I've done so well to survive all my troubles including XH infidelity, huge challenges at work.

HandyWoman Mon 12-Sep-16 23:46:17

OMG if you restart comms with this man he will literally destroy you.

No, you should never forgive him.

You've come so far, and you'll come through this too.

Time to resume No Contact. Never break it again.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. It must all be so raw. Please be as kind to yourself as possible. Find a bit of that wonderful mum you are, and give it to yourself.


meandthreehappyascanbe Mon 12-Sep-16 23:50:55

No comms. Concentrate on building relationships with people who support and value you. He sounds awful, not quite sure why we put up with it all

Bring back the no comms and move forwards, as far away from the poison he offers.

Good luck. X

Curious541 Mon 12-Sep-16 23:55:04

After everything you've been through you deserve more - if he can't help you through such a difficult time as loosing your Mum, then he's not worth another moment

Find a man who makes you happy more than he makes you sad - and not just a 60/40 split - strive for 100% happy. You've been married, you know the reality isn't always 100% but get as close as you can even if it takes time to get there. You're successful at work, you can achieve the same in love - stay strong OP x

Sorry for your loss flowers

SandyY2K Mon 12-Sep-16 23:55:50

You're well rid of him ... he sounds really nasty. The bad far outweighs the good.

antimatter Mon 12-Sep-16 23:56:08

I wouldn't let anyone to take me on such emotional rollecoaster.

He said he'd forgiven me but I would never forgive him

Howcdares he hell you how you should feel!

Mummydummy Mon 12-Sep-16 23:57:52

Thank you, thank you Handy and Meandhree. I felt like he was destroying me. I just needed to hear it from others. xxxx

meandthreehappyascanbe Tue 13-Sep-16 00:10:05

Yep. My husband is an emotional abuser and narcissistic but from the sounds of it much more subtle than your ex I have now left and trying to rebuild myself but I too have days when I need to be told it's not me that's unreasonable or horrible or fat or cold or manipulating. It's not us, it's most definitely them and one of their favourite tricks is to project their faults on to us.

Don't fall for it, stay strong. You are clearly a clever and capable woman who has a lot to offer. We deserve better (no matter how clever or capable we are). Xx

Mummydummy Tue 13-Sep-16 00:29:33

Meandthree - thank you for your support, I'm sorry you've been there too. I actually thought when I read his message that I was narcissitic etc that every word he said was true of him. I know I sound foolish to have ever put up with it but the charisma and chemistry and the good things somehow intoxicate and blind your belief in your own self and your own wisdom. He was very manipulative. If I'd seen a friend go through it I'd have told her to run for the hills!

I had done very well moving on and maintaining no contact but the grief for my mum has just been overwhelming and it all got tied in together into messy loss. And then when I felt really low the horrible things he's said and my XH's infidelity build up into a sense of 'what have I done wrong, why did I deserve this?' I know I deserve way better.

Mummydummy Tue 13-Sep-16 00:30:29

And stay strong too Meandthree...

joellevandyne Tue 13-Sep-16 02:36:50

It's amazing how very good looks and charm can fool even clever, sensible women into not realising that a man is otherwise a complete asshole.

You are well shot of this man. Chalk it up to a weak moment brought on by stress, followed by the fortunate realisation that resuming contact was a terrible mistake.

Move on, help yourself out by blocking every possible avenue of contact with him, and stop giving him free rent in your head.

BubblingUp Tue 13-Sep-16 02:52:17

Read up on Narcissistic Personality Disorder especially this thing they do called Projection. He is messing with you. No more contact. You do indeed deserve better.

jeaux90 Tue 13-Sep-16 07:57:51

He sounds like a narc to me, I was with one for 3 years. Remember this, you are clearly strong, clever, successful and a good mother. You deserve way better than this empty shell of a person who treats you with contempt. If it makes you feel better you need to know that most narcs hate themselves and are attracted to clever, lovely people because they think it reflects well on them. Go no contact, concentrate on your kids and career, your happiness will return. Big hug xxx

queenofbaddecisions Tue 13-Sep-16 18:53:12

I had a similar relationship with a similar sort of a man. It all ended in May/ June of this year when he did things to cause unbelievable damage to my life all in the name of being 'truthful' and 'real'. I am finally now, after nearly 4 months of absolutely no contact, at a point where I don't even think of him fondly for a second and have absolutely no wish to hear from him or see him ever again. But it's taken a while.

So stay strong and keep to no contact!

Mummydummy Tue 13-Sep-16 23:36:02

Thank you to all of you - your support means a lot to me. NC day 3 completed.

MissLadyM Tue 13-Sep-16 23:39:49

Nasty horrible cunt - cut him out of your life - he's a horror and will destroy you

winkywinkola Tue 13-Sep-16 23:44:54

This man is an utterly dreadful creature. An emotional vampire. He sounds frighteningly manipulative.

No doubt he will go on to leach the life out of some other poor unsuspecting human.

You on the other hand, op, sound pretty special! Don't let some toad fuck it all up for you.

Well done on keeping him out of your life. X

Mummydummy Wed 14-Sep-16 00:34:19

Thanks for your wisdom and forthright support. I read the narcs stuff and so much resonated - trying to reason with someone you can't reason with and going increasingly nuts by the injustice of the judgements and not being able to square the Jekyll and Hyde dimensions of one person. I felt immense relief to end it and I know I need to keep away from the toxicity.. Thank you - onwards with positive life and love.

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