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Can't be bothered with relationships....apart from the kids

(14 Posts)
inarmsofanangel Mon 12-Sep-16 22:44:54

Me and h separated about a year ago, although we lived pretty separately (under the same roof) for a long time before. Any love had long been lost and I have no real feelings there now.
Since then, I started studying again and building my life back up to what I think I was before.
I keep myself busy, have 3 kids under 7 and am studying to help me back into work asap.
I have absolutely no interest in meeting anyone or dating and think I never will which I guess is fairly normal only this far along. However,,I just don't have any interest in any other relationships either.
I'm trying to keep people at arms length, saying I'm too busy to meet up or other excuses. I deleted my fb account and other social media, changed my phone number ect.
I'm friendly to other mums at school and people I meet and can have a chat no problem but getting into too much depth or forming any real relationships bothers me. I just want to carry on, on my own with the kids.
The kids have friends and they come here and vice versa and I make sure they speak to their dad and extended family and see him when they can but for myself getting to know people is a chore.
The thought of meeting another man fills me with dread.
The thought of even going out for a night with friends also does.
I don't sit down in the day even to eat and I always have to be 'doing' something. I'm the same around my mums. I simply can't just relax for more than 5 mins.
I hardly watch TV anymore and the thought of sitting down to watch a film just seems like a whole waste of time when I should be getting something done.

I've had depression in the past and am still on AD s but I don't feel depressed, or even stressed really.
I just feel the need to constantly be doing something to improve myself and that sitting down or forming relationships just hinder that.

I never could relax around h and I was made to feel lazy in some way if i was but I thought that would change being alone. I think it's got worse.

Not sure if this is all normal?
What's going on?

pallasathena Tue 13-Sep-16 09:15:30

You are just finding your feet, that's all. Keeping busy, engaging with your life, on your terms, independent, assertive, sassy and using your energy productively.
I was exactly the same after my divorce many years ago now. It was all about finding ME being ME and learning that I was actually, a really capable, ambitious person who was busy sorting out her life and planning for a decent future.
Mentally, I was rebelling against stereotypes too. Back in the day, for me, single parents were demonised dreadfully . I was on fire to show the world that I wasn't a stereotype, that my kids were doing well in school, in life, and I ended up getting a couple of promotions with my determination to do well and prove the buggers wrong.
Be proud of yourself, don't second guess yourself and carry on being awesome.

Kariana Tue 13-Sep-16 09:25:48

Can you say why you want to keep people at arms length? Do you think you could be worried about them judging you? Or are you more bruised emotionally by your relationship ending than you have yet acknowledged? Do you think this could be a defence, as in if you push everyone away now there is no chance of rejection? If you do sit down what stops you relaxing? Is it fear of thinking about your situation, worry about things or worry about feeling numb?

It's great for you to get o with your life, but you do need to work through your own hurt and own feelings about what has happened rather than burying them by being constantly busy. Would counselling be an option?

Guiltypleasures001 Tue 13-Sep-16 09:31:52

Hi op

The most telling part of your post was the last bit " if I was seen to relax around my Husband I was seen as lazy" I think unconsciously your trying to prove to him and the world your not lazy, but equally you will burn out at some point.

No one is able to keep up this level of physical and mental activity without paying a consequence, I think it's admirable that you feel the need and are improving your future prospects, but please try and take a little time for yourself and just be still for a few minutes at a time.

Hopefully at some point in the future you will be able to allow yourself to settle a bit more, maybe look in to some counselling, it seems your running a way a little please bare in mind you can never run away from yourself flowers

Assam Tue 13-Sep-16 09:38:28

This sounds like me except for the keeping busy bit, if I have time I love to watch something in the evening.
Seems like not wanting relationships and needing to keep busy are two seperate things? Or maybe you are keeping busy so you deliberately don't have time for relationships?
In my case I have a huge problem opening up, I'm very independent and don't want to rely on other people.
The downside of that is that I have very few friends and the few I have are busy with their own lives and I feel very isolated. Thank god for MN!
Has you gp offered counselling?

pallasathena Tue 13-Sep-16 11:40:10

Additionally, I became very happy on my own. Society doesn't always get that...

EvaWild Tue 13-Sep-16 11:50:39

Normally people can be a source of relaxation, because through interaction with them you feel happy. However, if there is anything that is hindering you from socialising that means you have established barriers for one reason or another. I do think it is most important to objectively decide on what those reasons are and work from there.

inarmsofanangel Tue 13-Sep-16 20:17:43

Many thanks to you all. Sorry for the late reply. Palla, that's an interesting take and yes, I think I am trying to find myself again and trying to do it on my own. I was very independent before I got married with kids and worked abroad a lot.
With my h this all changed as he didn't really want me to work, so i became totally reliant on him for everything, especially finances. I walked on eggshells around him for most of the time and I basically gave everything up and followed him wherever he wanted to be. (this meant close to his work and moving on several occasions away from any family or friends.
I guess i am trying to prove myself - maybe that I don't need anyone else.

'Or maybe you are keeping busy so you deliberately don't have time for relationships?'

Yes Assam, I need to think about that one! I'm not actually sure which it is.
I also have very few friends, however, I don't really feel alone. I'm happy in my own company. I guess I feel safe there?
Like you Palla, some people just don't understand it. My mum for example drives me nuts as she feels the need to talk (non stop) if anyone is around her. I guess she feels if she isn't she it makes her uneasy.
I'm quite happy with MN - at least I know where I stand !! smile

And Eva, Yes, I know I worry about letting people down, people not understanding me or not liking me if I make deeper relationships.
I guess i feel I can never meet expectations. All this is reflected in why I have enjoyed working with children and want to continue as I know they don't judge by these standards the same as adults do.

toots321 Wed 14-Sep-16 09:01:54

Hello smile
Just wanted to say well done on the studying. I know exactly how you feel. Its hard going with 3 children and juggling everything else. I actually don't stop either. For some reason I can't relax and watch TV. I feel I am better keeping busy.
This could be me writing this post apart from being happy with my own company so I'm quite envious of you for this. Its something I long for. So any tips would be appreciated wink

Assam Wed 14-Sep-16 09:11:07

My mum is like that too, I wonder if introversion is partly a reaction to having an extrovert mother!

My dream is to work with dogs...for the same reason grin

What are you studying for?

inarmsofanangel Wed 14-Sep-16 11:41:38

toots - No tips really. We could meet up and sit and watch TV for a bit or clean the house together? grin I think I'm a quiet person generally and with 3 rowdy kids, some peace and quiet is awesome whatever I am doing !

Assam, I'm doing Supporting Teaching and Learning in Schools. Lots more work than anticipated ! smile
....On the other hand maybe I'd be better going down the dogs route....
Very good idea!

KarmaNoMore Wed 14-Sep-16 11:52:38

I'm also on my own with my kid.

I go through phases

Phase 1: when I am exhausted or have much work to do, I just want to retreat to the minimum level of responsibilities (ie. Kid, job, house) and not to have anything/anyone use the very little free time that I have. That is mine and no one else's. I need it to touch base with myself.

Phase 2: when I'm stressed. I become more social want to meet with friends to let some steam out/ get support.

Phase 3) when I'm relaxed, happy and the house is in order. I become a social butterfly, can have people around regularly, without any stresses, which includes good friends and even dates.

I move from those pases several times over the year. Fortunately my friends are not particularly needy so don't mind if I disappear from the radar for a while.

KarmaNoMore Wed 14-Sep-16 11:55:55

My university supervisor said that there are two types of time when you are studying:

- The time when you are studying
- the time when you feel bad guilty because you know you should be studying.

It may be all down to something as simple as that grin

toots321 Wed 14-Sep-16 15:13:14

Hehe good idea smile
I guess if you're happy then yes it's normal for you and that's all that counts. We are all different in want we want and need.
I suppose if you start to become unhappy then maybe question it. I keep busy with work/study and 3 children. I don't sosialise but I am envious of people that do.
If you are happy in your own company then I think that's a good sign. We don't know how we will feel next week, next month or next year so be open to opportunitis and maybe Mr right wink

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