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EA-recognising it within a relationship, thanks to MN...

(12 Posts)
AgnesNoname Mon 12-Sep-16 07:46:13

Thankyou everyone. I have always liked reading the relationship board over the years, to read about relationships that were worse than mine and also wanting to read about people who were married to someone similar to my DH and hear the board say he was just difficult and suggest ways to manage him/cope with him
Well, over the years, it got difficult at times, because actually I would read about similar situations to mine and MN people would say, 'this is not normal, this is EA' and I would feel a bit sick and then avoid the boards for a while. And then enter the cycle yet again of bending over backwards, walking on eggshells and pacifying and eating shit to keep my relationship going and my children safe and protected. Exhausting.I lost myself sad
Well, after reading Lundy Bancroft (thanks Lundy) description of the Water Torturer Profile and realising with horror and relief I was not imagining it I started to make my plans. These came to a head sooner than expected and the relationship is ending. I feel relief, sorrow that the relationship was not what I thought it was and worry that my children will be messed up for ever because of the split.
So three things I wanted to say
1)Please tell me it will all be ok
2) Also thankyou all your wonderful people who helped the scales fall from my eyes and the fog clear and see the future clearly
3) And to tell others in my position to keep reading and don't worry, it takes time, but you will get there and you will finally understand what is being done to you and it is not your fault

ManaFleet Mon 12-Sep-16 07:55:22

Well done and good luck! It's going to be OK. It might be hard but you're strong, you've got this far! Head up, walk forward, breath deeply!

AgnesNoname Mon 12-Sep-16 08:03:05

Mostly I'm amazed that lots of people didn't notice it as I was so good at hiding it over the years and now are shock. I even persuaded myself
Share with people. Talk about relationships. However lots of people in real life have no idea of the insidious and hidden nature of EA. And how destroying it is

apintofharpandapacketofdates Mon 12-Sep-16 08:06:53

flowers for you. You're courageous and brave.

Hold your head high & practise kind self-talk.

It will help in the days you're faltering.

Remember that the road is not linear and you will be fine.

Well done OP

AgnesNoname Mon 12-Sep-16 10:01:35

Thanks Pint
I am sad that my children won't be with me every day but suppose the days a week he has them I can use to strengthen myself (and have some fun)
Am worried about whether will ever trust anyone ever again, or see will see every man as potentially controlling
Admittedly do not wish to have a relationship ever again at this point, but would like to think that at some point this might seem a teeny bit more appealing!

apintofharpandapacketofdates Mon 12-Sep-16 11:36:15

I hear you. I must admit I've sometimes struggled on the days I'm not with them. I've mainly taken the opportunity to rest & do as little as possible.

It's amazing how exhausting this pressure is. I'm a year in but have had other difficulties which have contributed to my mindset.

Like you I wonder if I can trust again, however u also think my boundaries will be much firmer and I'll stand for far less nonsense wink

I can't imagine feeling close to anyone but recognise that's part of the healing process and I'm quite happy with that!

apintofharpandapacketofdates Mon 12-Sep-16 11:36:59

Not u, I!!!

AgnesNoname Mon 12-Sep-16 12:35:02

Healing is a good way of looking at it
I am coming out of a long period of destruction and I need to rebuild and heal myself so will think of it as such

nicenewdusters Mon 12-Sep-16 13:48:00

Well done OP. It is a road to recovery, you have suffered very badly at the hands of someone you thought you could trust. It's only natural, and right, that your instinct to trust people in the future will be affected. But you will learn to trust again, with the knowledge that you have gained from your situation. You will have much firmer boundaries, know what you do and do not want, and will be more cautious.

People who haven't been through EA literally cannot understand as it is such a gradual process. It's not weak little women who can't stand up for themselves. You are coming out the other side, you will be ok.

spudlike1 Mon 12-Sep-16 14:05:50

Can't read and run flowers
I've been trapped in an abusive relationship and understand completely. Looking back it was all so obvious still.can't undersrand why people around me didn't see it and why I didn't see it . I'm now with a great bloke who loves me, cares for me and works very hard to understand me .
you someone but focus on yourself right now and your children .
Ive had counselling over the years but get my best advice online tbh and reading books Discoving my complete lack of boundaries and becoming very self aware has been incredible and hope this will make me a better parent So I guess in away there are positives to be gained smile

spudlike1 Mon 12-Sep-16 14:08:30

And I've dumped some abusive freinds as well on my journey , quite sad but mainly very liberating.grin

AgnesNoname Mon 12-Sep-16 14:22:57

Thanks Spud
I have been amazed by the kindness of most and then shock by some that almost run away from you as if scared divorce might be catching
Any book recommendations? I have immersed myself in fiction to carry me away mostly

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