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Friend's partner in jail for assaulting her - if she goes back to him will it all be dropped?

(38 Posts)
maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 17:37:38

Friend has been in an abusive relationship for around 2 years. Today, her partner became physically abusive and she shouted out to a passerby to call the police, which they did.

He has been charged with assault and is currently sitting exactly where he belongs - in the cells.

She has a history of leaving him then going back a few days later, what I want to know is can the police continue to charge him if she goes back to him and he wants her to drop charges? I don't think there have been any injuries but there will be the eyewitness testimony from the passerby at the very least. Also she will have given a statement to say he was abusive, but I presume she could withdraw this.

She says she wants to end the relationship and go to court (re assault) but she has tried to leave him a thousand times before and it's always short lived.

ImperialBlether Sun 11-Sep-16 17:44:24

Yes, the police can charge in cases of domestic violence even if the woman changes her mind.

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 17:51:04

Thanks Imperial - but do they usually? Even when no physical injuries/bruises etc?

donajimena Sun 11-Sep-16 17:53:22

I believe they do still press charges. Thank goodness.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Sep-16 17:55:12

Is this you ?

The police may still prosecute if they feel the charges will stick even without her testimony.

Gardencentregroupie Sun 11-Sep-16 17:56:09

It often goes to court and then falls apart because the victim becomes a hostile witness, ie they stand up in the box and swear blind it was just an argument, nothing physical happened, and (often) that they were forced into signing an untrue statement by the police. The court cannot convict, and the abuser and victim leave together for the cycle to begin again sad

SusieQwhereareyou Sun 11-Sep-16 17:59:34

My ex assaulted his new partner, she didn't have medically significant injuries and didn't want to press charges but he was prosecuted and went to court anyway. He pled guilty and got suspended sentence and community service.

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 18:23:37

It's not me Anyfucker.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up that this will be the end, as she's said that so many times before. He is one for talking his way out of things, so I'd imagine he'll try to deny it all, but if the witness who called the police has a solid testimony... hearing screaming, banging, her pleas for them to call the police... I hope that will stand up independently of any backtracking by her.

Mamabear14 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:29:28

This happened to me. I was terrified into dropping charges after XH head butted me in front of our kids and split my eye open. Had to have it all glued up. They took him to crown court, where he was all sweet talk and I was scared and stuttered. He was found not guilty. It is hard to convince a jury you're telling the truth when you've dropped charges.

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 18:32:17

He's tried to strangle her before and she's told me she's scared for her life.

He must have brainwashed her properly though because after telling me he was in the cells for assault, she said 'I feel bad, I hope he is ok'.

I'd say there's a slim chance of her leaving him for good, and I know he'll punish her for doing this if she goes back to him, once he gets through the 'being nice' stage.

I try to help her, but after two years of this I've admitted you can lead a horse to water etc.

Mamabear14 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:39:58

All I can say is just be there when she needs you. My ex strangled, raped and slapped me while holding our baby. Threatened to kill me and set fire to the house with the kids in it, I had to have the letterbox cemented up. But I repeatedly went back, as I was conditioned to think I was ugly and couldn't do better. And I thought I could help him, make him better, especially during those flashes of who he once was. I finally snapped one night when he was hitting me and I thought that it would be great if I just died, that the kids would go to people who never had to see their mum getting hit, and that he wouldn't have to get angry. It took that for me to see how fucked up my marriage was. I'm pleased to say that 8 years later, after being in my own for years, I am engaged with 3 kids now, and my 2 boys haven't been terribly scarred like I was dreading. I really appreciated that as much as my friends all wanted to give me a good shake, and some vanished, the important ones were right there all the way through, and I can't tell you how much that means.

mumofthemonsters808 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:45:45

Has she got children ?, only she'll probably find there is also a referral to social services, especially if the children were in the house during the assault.Its a very typical response to feel sorry for the attacker once he is banged up.Hang in there, it's so hard being friends with a Dv victim because you become so frustrated, disappointed and even angry with their behaviour, but she really does need you.

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 18:47:26

Glad you got out Mamabear.

Let's just hope the police will proceed with a prosecution, particularly as there were witnesses involved, if he gets a criminal record I hope that makes the smug violent twat think twice.

Mamabear14 Sun 11-Sep-16 18:51:16

If there was witnesses I would imagine they would carry on regardless of whether she agrees, they will also summons her to court if that's the case so she will have to show up. I hope she gets out soon. It's so hard at the time but once the fog clears, it really makes you see how influenced you were.

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 18:53:32

She doesn't have kids thankfully. She wants them though - she even asked ME to ask HIM if he'd have kids with her. (I refused to get involved).

I have got over involved in her relationship in the past, as she'd phone me up when she'd left him and use me as support then go back to him three days later. We are good friends, but in the past I've had to have a break from her for a while as it all got too much. So now, for my own sanity I try not to get over involved. I've stopped trying to persuade her to leave him as I recognise its her decision even though I can't fathom out how she can go back to him or justify his actions (no experience of EA relationships myself).

I'm trying not to get over involved this time, I've signposted her to womens aid and suggested she call them if she needs specialist advice as I certainly can't give that. I'll be there at the end of the line if she calls and if she wants to visit, but need to be aware of my boundaries.

She is staying with another friend (I don't live nearby) but lives with him in his house, and I can see her going back to him because she doesn't want to be homeless. What can you do though, can't live someone else's life for them.

AnotherEmma Sun 11-Sep-16 18:59:53

You've done the right thing in referring her to Women's Aid. I really hope she follows your advice and gets in touch with them. I wonder if the police might refer her for specialist support... An IDVA maybe, although it will probably depend whether she is assessed as "high risk" (she sounds high risk, given the assault in public and the attempted strangulation confused)

It sounds like you've done everything you can and you're wise to protect yourself. It will take a lot of strength and support to break the cycle - hopefully she will manage it, but as you say, she has to do it herself.

user1471734618 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:02:04

Could I just say that I do not think it is possible to 'drop charges' these days, as it used to be.
It is up to the police whether or not they want to press charges, not the victim.

Gardencentregroupie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:04:03

I'll just correct user there - it's up to the Crown Prosecution Service, police don't really have much say in whether cases go to court or not.

user1471734618 Sun 11-Sep-16 19:05:11

oh right yes of course. Anyway you cannot go to the police and have them drop charges. They put it to the CPS regardless of anyone.

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:39:02

Another Emma the assault was not in public, was in his house but she somehow attracted the attention of a passerby. Also he did not try to strangle her today, that was another time but no witnesses on that occasion.

Anyway she said the police had been very supportive which is good.

AnotherEmma Sun 11-Sep-16 19:48:11

Yes I understand that was a different time but I meant that two separate, serious incidents should be cause for concern. Didn't realise the assault wasn't public but if there was a witness that will help in court (if I goes to court).

maggiethemagpie Sun 11-Sep-16 19:56:22

Friend has just been in touch, the wanker has been bailed but a condition of his bail is he does not contact her. Presumably if he does he will go to prison?

She is still thinking of him though so I guess nothing to stop her seeing him in secret. She says she will call the police if he goes near her, but I don't know if she'll see it through.

Sounds like police are taking it seriously though

AnyFucker Sun 11-Sep-16 20:02:16

op, you are doing all you can x

Mamabear14 Sun 11-Sep-16 20:09:38

You are being amazing just be being there to listen, I know it's infuriating, my god I would have been infuriated at myself years ago. He will be re-arrested and they will take it seriously if she can prove she hasn't been contacting him etc.

AnyFucker Sun 11-Sep-16 20:10:39

Mama, I am so glad you are out

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